Expect The Unexpected

I was supposed to return in 6 months.

You’d think, as someone who struggles with anxiety, I’d have been counting down the days to get my right breast rechecked, to see how what they found in December, a small mostly fluid filled cyst with a bit of solid, that had a “high probability of being benign,” was doing.

However, the time got away from me, and I misplaced the order/notes for me to schedule the 6 month follow up. I intended to circle back with the Breast Care Center and/or my OB/GYN, but didn’t until my annual appoint for my pap smear, late last month. I did remember to ask for a new order that day, from my doctor, so I could schedule the appointment.

I finally called last week to set up the diagnostic ultrasound of my right breast. Life has been so upside down lately, especially after a tree fell on our car, when we were at a family reunion in Door County, Wisconsin a few weeks ago, that somehow I didn’t even recall that the actual purpose of the appointment was because they’d found the small cyst in December. I thought this follow up was just because of my dense breast tissue.

Anyway, because I neglected to schedule the ultrasound when they recommended, over 9 months had passed since my October mammogram. For some reason, when that much time has elapsed they now require another mammogram, in conjunction with the ultrasound.

So I had to call my OB/GYN and explain the situation, along with requesting a new order that included both a diagnostic ultrasound of my right breast and a routine mammogram (that would take the place of my regular one that I’d have been due for in October this year). I did find out that our insurance is calendar year and not 365 days, so having my annual mammogram early won’t be an issue, in terms for coverage.

When I arrived yesterday morning, I got in relatively quickly for the mammogram. The women who did it was super nice. She was a bit perplexed why I was having the mammogram, in addition to the ultrasound. I did my best to explain, as I understood it, and she double checked with her supervisor, to make sure it was necessary. It was while she was checking that I ended up calling our insurance company to confirm it would be covered, as that was among her concerns related to me having it done today.

After we got the all clear from her boss and our insurance company, we moved forward. The mammogram felt routine and was over rather quickly. Then I returned to the waiting room for those who have their pink medical gowns on (as opposed to the waiting room when you first enter the office). I’d already been sitting there for a while when the mammogram tech told me that it would be about 30 minutes before I’d be getting in for my ultrasound.

At the time, I assumed it was because they were busy and/or short staffed. There were a lot of women in the waiting room. When I think back now, they could’ve also been waiting for a doctor to review my mammogram results, which I’d been told I would receive the same day. I’m guessing it was actually a combination of the two.

When I was finally called in for my ultrasound the tech was also very kind, but not as chatty as the woman who did my mammogram. In the moment, I wrote that off to differences in personalities. But now, I wonder if it was because she knew something I didn’t. The tech invited me to sit on the examination table and remove the left side of my gown, saying she was going to begin with my left side/breast.

I was confused and asked why, as I knew that this ultrasound was supposed to only be for my right breast. That is when she told me that they did see something in my left breast, on my mammogram today, and wanted her to take a closer look. The tech spent a lot of time on one part of my left breast taking measurements and such. I did feel some slight pain in one spot as she did so, that I didn’t feel when she moved on to my right breast.

As I laid on the table, I tried to relax, breath, and not overthink what might be happening.

When she was done the tech told me she’d bring the results for the radiologist to review and then they’d be back to discuss with me.

The results turned out to be a mix of good and bad news.

The good news was that the cyst they’d been slightly concerned about in December had shrunk and they were no longer worried about it.

The bad news is that there is a solid mass in my left breast that they want to biopsy.

In December, I was relatively relieved when they marked “high probability of being benign,” out of the options/boxes they could’ve checked, which also included: normal, benign appearing (not malignant), short term follow up is recommended, findings that may be due to breast cancer, additional imaging — Ultrasound/MRI, and known carcinoma.

Yesterday, when I glanced at the form, on my way out of the ultrasound room, I was surprised to see they had marked “findings that may be due to breast cancer.”

That stopped me in my tracks and I got choked up.

Up until this point I’d managed to hold myself together, though with each passing moment and additional news my anxiety was building.

I asked the ultrasound tech if I should be more concerned because of the mark in that box. She told me that they “have to check it, for insurance reasons,” and said that many women have one or more cysts in their lifetime that turn out to be nothing. I’ve heard that and appreciated the perspective.

I am doing my best to not worry about this too much, understanding that odds are likely everything will be fine.

That said, having had so many medical experiences that went against the odds and being in “less than 1%” categories a few times, it’s understandable for me (and anyone) to feel some anxiety, as I wait for the biopsy.

Their next available appointment was Wednesday, August 14th. I asked if they were more concerned would I get the procedure sooner. I didn’t really get a straight answer, but was told that is when they could fit me in and not much would change in a little over a week’s time.

The results will be available 3-5 days after that, when we will be on our family vacation in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. I told them that and they didn’t seem concerned. The woman scheduling the biopsy said to another woman behind the desk, “should she still go on vacation?!” And the woman replied she thought it would be fine.

I wasn’t clear if they were joking or serious about me possibly not going on vacation and thus unsure how to respond. I ended up saying that if not having the biopsy for over a week was okay, I imagined being gone for over a week on vacation wouldn’t make a big difference either. They both seemed to agree.

Going into our trip not knowing whether it is benign or malignant isn’t a great feeling, but we’ll do our best not to focus on this too much. Hopefully, when the news comes in, we’ll get to celebrate it not being cancer.

If that isn’t the case, we’ll schedule any needed follow up appointments, make the most of our vacation, and deal with the rest when we get home.

Writing often seems to help me process news and life experiences like this. So being able to get my thoughts together and also share them this way is therapeutic for me.

As I’ve shared before, I am open about experiences like this because I want others to know/remember we aren’t alone when it comes to health scares and/or other personal struggles (such as dealing with anxiety, grief, infertility, and loss). I know how much being proactive matters when it comes to breast care, and health in general.

We don’t have to talk about these things, but it is okay if we want to and/or find comfort in doing so.

As in the past, one of the things that has brought me some comfort and perspective, during this time of waiting, has been reviewing my blog posts about what happened in early 2016, when my first/baseline mammogram (at age 40) led to a lot more, including surgery. I’ve found it helpful to remember what that felt like, including the process that led to my benign phyllodes tumor being diagnosed and removed. I know, especially from that experience, there is a lot of grey area between all clear and breast cancer. So I am doing my best to remain cautiously optimistic and, understandably, feel a bit scared.

I did ask and they did confirm they don’t think this looks like another phyllodes tumor.

These are the posts that I wrote, from the time I first shared what was happening, in January 2016, until we got the “all clear” (i.e. it was definitely benign/you don’t have cancer) after the surgery, in March, as well as two from December 2018, about the questionable finding in my right breast they discovered then and were checking on yesterday. If you want to read one or more of them, and aren’t super tech savvy, just click on the title of the post (which is a hyperlink and will take you there).

Cutting to the Chase  (1/11/16) 

Biopsy Day (1/16/16)

Benign Phyllodes Tumor (1/18/16)

What Happens Now  (1/26/16)

Second Opinion Day (2/15/16)

A Good Problem to Have (2/16/16)

Asymmetry (2/17/16)

Surgery On Monday (3/18/16)

All Clear (3/26/16)

A Questionable Finding (12/15/18)

High Probability of Being Benign (12/20/18)

Though I no longer believe everything happens for a reason, I can’t help but wonder how things might’ve played out differently if I’d scheduled my follow up right breast ultrasound in June. Had that been the case, I likely wouldn’t have had another mammogram or any diagnostics on my left breast until October this year, at the earliest. So if this solid mass does turn out to be cancerous, finding it now, instead two or more months from now, could certainly help in treating it sooner.

I’d appreciate you please sending thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes my way, especially as I wait for the biopsy and then the results.

The kids and I went to Target late yesterday afternoon to do some school supply shopping. I indulged myself in a little retail therapy and picked out this workout tank and capris. Exercise is one of my favorite forms of stress relief and the message on the tank will help remind me that I can and will get through this in the days to come.

I hope wherever and whenever this finds you, with whatever trials you may be facing, that you are hanging in there as well.

At 44, it is becoming more and more clear to me that there seems to be a steady stream of stuff like this always happening with our family and/or others that we care about.

Such is (mid)life.

I am learning that the most helpful thing we can do, especially during difficult and uncertain times, is try to avoid platitudes and let each other know we are here with love and support.

So I will keep doing that as we await biopsy day, followed by the results, and hope for the best.