Today you’ve reached a significant milestone in a young adult’s life, your young adult life.

Today you are 21 years old.

I had a bit of trouble falling asleep last night and as I was trying to settle down, I reflected on how I was actually awake most of the night before you were born. This was due to my being in labor (for over 24 hours), prior to your delivery (via c-section) and it seemed somewhat fitting, though not the most effective way to calm my mind.

You weren’t actually born until around supper time on October 2, 2003 and we’ve often joked that the OB/GYN we nicknamed “Dr. Smartass,” who delivered you, wanted to make it home in time to have dinner with his family that night.

In many ways, your life at 21 does not look as I imagined it would or like that of your dad’s or mine at your age and that’s more than okay.

It is your life, your journey and (for the most part) you get to choose your path.

I am grateful that Dad and I are in position to be able to continue to help support you at this age and stage and appreciate your affirmation that living at home feels right to you at this time.

I struggled a bit to choose this year’s song and decided on Send for Me by The National (specifically band members Aaron Dessner and Matt Berninger). I got to see them perform Send for Me twice live last year at the Auditorium Theatre in Chicago (where you graduated from Jones College Prep High School in 2022) and it was mesmerizing.

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I’ll come and get you
Send for me, whenever, wherever

It is a somewhat simple concept and one that I hope you’ll digest as a young adult who can still count on your parents to come and get you anytime and anywhere.

For much of my adult life, before the last years of their own lives, I could count on my mom and dad/your Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin to come and get me, which gave me a lot of comfort and confidence.

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I’ll come and get you
Send for me, whenever, wherever

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I thought you’d never
Send for me, whenever, wherever

Run out, run out, run out to me now
Run out, run out, I’m pulling around
Run out, run out, run out, run out to me now

Run out, run out, run out to me now
Run out, run out, I’m pulling around
Run out, run out, run out, run out to me now

The last year you spent serving with AmeriCorps City Year Chicago informed as much what you didn’t want to do next (study/train to work in education) and what you did (which you are still unsure about). It was challenging, with long and draining days, including quite a commute to/from the schools you were placed at. I admire that you stuck with it, finishing what you started.

Now you are well into your first semester at Oakton (Community) College, which seems to be going well. Dad loves to talk Accounting (one of your courses and the major you are considering) with you and I feel that way about Sociology (another of your courses). You were also taking a math course, that was mostly self-paced/directed, which you were actually able complete early (before the end of the semester) today! Lastly, you are taking an English/Composition course, which isn’t your favorite and you are still managing to keep up with your assignments and work through it.

I am proud of you for trying out for one of the fall plays at Oakton and how you handled not getting cast. It was especially disappointing after the director was so impressed with your audition and indicated that you were a strong contender for the lead role. However, then they kept you waiting, a lot longer than expected, before you found out. It was cool that they asked you to still be involved, in a consultant-like role, since they thought you’d still have valuable input to share. However, your involvement didn’t end up being as frequent and meaningful as we initially understood it to be. Pivoting has been a big theme in our family this year and we applaud you continuing to do so, with patience and humility, when things don’t go as you hope or anticipate.

While on the topic of theater and acting, in August we got to see writer, actor and comedian Brendan Hunt (Coach Beard on Ted Lasso), perform his solo show “The Movement You Need” as a family at the Io Theater in Chicago (where he grew up), as well as to get to meet and chat with him briefly afterwards! Brendan is an incredible story teller, who made us laugh so much and cry some too. As a fellow bereaved adult child of a big Beatles fan, who grew to love the band and their music in large part because of my dad/Gail and your Grandpa Kevin (for Brendan it was his mom), I found that shared connection especially moving and relatable.

One of my favorite memories from that evening, right before I took this photo of Brendan, you and Gail was when you introduced yourself to him and mentioned the part in his show when he talked about being nervous to meet one of his idols and how kindly Brendan responded to you, indicating that he thought you were handling the interaction well. I am thankful to one of our friends, from when we lived in Chicago’s Beverly neighborhood, who is also one of Brendan’s old friends, that suggested we see the show, knowing how much they thought we’d appreciate it!

Getting back to college life, Pride club has been another way that you have started to get more involved in the Oakton community and I am glad that you are able to attend the weekly meetings most of the time. The handful of instances when you haven’t been able to go has been, in part, because you serve as our family’s “Uber” driver, as needed (which can be often). We are grateful that you drive Gail wherever they need to go/be whenever we ask and, more recently, when I wasn’t able to drive because of my ongoing struggle with dizziness/vertigo (since the tailend of my trip to London), you took me to and from work several days. Soon Gail will get their permit and start learning to drive, which will be interesting.

We appreciate how much you help around the house and with Gail, though we often have to ask/remind you to do things more than we’d like to. We know you are working on being more self aware, sufficient and motivated to do your chores and practice daily tasks of living. It both impresses and amuses me when I witness you trying some of the approaches we’ve used with you, over the years, with Gail when you are trying to help them move along and/or get things done.

Recently we’ve had some interesting and meaningful conversations about important issues that we are both upset by. One is the existence of the death penalty and the execution of Marcellus Williams in Missouri. I share your outrage and encourage you to further your political education, as well as to learn more about when, where and how you can get more involved, which might include organizing/taking direct action/working for change.

As I was writing parts of this (the night before your birthday), we were watching the 2024 U.S. Vice Presidential Debate between Republican candidate J.D. Vance (former President Donald Trump’s running mate) and Democratic candidate Tim Walz (Vice President Kamala Harris’s running mate). This year’s Presidential election is another topic often discussed in our family and it will be the first one you’ll be old enough to vote in, which is another significant milestone.

The way our current two party system is set up, until if/when we abolish the electoral college (which I am in favor of), unfortunately our votes in Illinois don’t really *count* when it comes to Presidential races. I am grateful that we live in a state that almost always goes blue/to the Democratic candidate(s) and at the same time, I wish we had more progressive/abolitionist candidates (that had a chance to actually win) who were willing to recognize, speak out against and try to put and end to the apartheid system Palestinians live under in Gaza and the West Bank. They could also pledge to enact an arms embargo (if they aren’t in a position to do so now) that could lead to a ceasefire to stop the genocide in Gaza. However, for now, I believe that voting for candidates that can win within the system we have (until we can change it) and we will be able to more effectively organize to impact change under makes sense. There’s no doubt in my mind those candidates are Harris/Walz. There are also many Harris/Walz policies/plans that I support.

I don’t take these milestones in your life for granted, especially with yesterday being five years since your childhood friend D died unexpectedly of an AVM in his brain. It’s surreal and bittersweet that much time has passed. We still miss D and share special memories of him. Likewise, I feel sad that my parents/your Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin didn’t get to live to see you reach this milestone. I know how much they adored you, their first grandchild, and how proud of you they were and would still be.

At the same time, when it comes to these milestones, I don’t want you to feel pressure to make too much of them. We’ve talked a lot over the years about how our society and culture socialize/condition us to think certain experiences and stages of life are *supposed* to be a certain way. It can be difficult to unlearn these ideas, as we figure out what matters and is meaningful to us. When we discussed how to celebrate your 21st birthday, you indicated curiosity about trying alcohol, while also recognizing your favorite beverages are milk, water and milkshakes. So we found a local restaurant that has cheeseburgers and fries (your favorite meal), as well as makes “boozy milkshakes” and plan to celebrate there with you tonight!

Other highlights this year included our family’s wonderful road trip/two week vacation to one of our “Happy Places” Hilton Head Island, South Carolina! One of our morning bike rides on HHI was fun(ny) and memorable — especially when we had to forge that stream/big pool of ocean water that we came across during low tide, as we rode along the beach. We’ll never forget watching and laughing with you, as you carried your (relatively new) bike through/over it, in effort not to get it very wet! Here’s some photographic evidence…

Some of our low points were certainly each of the four of us getting COVID at various points this summer — you and me for the first time ever! That was a big bummer.

We are proud of you for so many reasons, including that you *chose* (wink, wink) to start your special day working out with us! We did 4 Weeks of The Prep: The Crucible, with one of our fav super trainers, Amoila Cesar, and I found his words of wisdom to be spot on for your 21st birthday. We also agreed to you being the DJ/choosing the music (from your fav video game soundtracks), which you found especially motivating. The last song was “Live and Learn,” which I believe is from Sonic Adventure 2 (or so my quick consultation with Dr. Google said), which also seemed fitting for your milestone day.

You still love to buy, receive and wear funny T-shirts, including the one we gave you as a gift today, which reads, “Never Trust an Atom, They Make Up Everything.” You also continue to enjoy all things Pokémon and Sonic, as well as streaming/watching stand up comedy specials, especially ones that make you think, as much as laugh (such as John Oliver). Though we haven’t had an HBO/HBO Max subscription in awhile, you are are still a big fan of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and we try to catch his weekly segments/big stories on YouTube when they are available and we remember/have the time.

There is so much more I could write/say and yet, I am going to wrap this up.

My wish for this next year of your life is that you find joy and meaning, as you continue to explore who you are/how you identify and where that will take you. I hope that your journey will include prioritizing your relationships with loved ones and being open to making new/deeper connections with those you may not have met or gotten to know well yet.

One of my favorite verses in Send for Me by The National is:

If you’re ever in a psychiatric greenhouse
with slip-on shoes
Wipe a smile on the shatterproof windows,
I’ll know what to do

If you’re ever in a gift shop dying inside
Filling up with tears
‘Cause you thought of somebody you loved
You haven’t seen in years

That imagery makes me both laugh and cry, as it reflects the ways important relationships in our lives can impact us powerfully and how it can feel to be understood by a loved one.

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I’ll come and get you
Send for me, whenever, wherever

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I thought you’d never
Send for me, whenever, wherever

Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I’ll come and get you
Send for me, whenever, wherever

Happy 21st Birthday, my dear Sean Owen!

Thank you for making me a mom!

My life changed forever, for the better, the day your dad and I found out you were on the way and even more so the day you were born.

Please know that as long as I live or* am able, you can always send for me and I’ll come and get you.

Love,
Mom

*PS – I added this * because we giggled so much after I read this to you during/after dinner (per your request), because I intended to convey that if I was alive and not able, there was a chance I wouldn’t come and get you. However, I inadvertently suggested that if I was able to come and get you, after I die, that I would. LOL

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‘Cause when you’re fifteen…

Can you believe it?

Today you are fifteen!

I was going to borrow/reuse some of the post I wrote for your older sibling Sean on their 15th Birthday six years ago, using lyrics from the awesome song 100 Years by Five for Fighting, as I felt they fit/apply to you at this age and stage of life as well.

However, then I came across a post on Instagram yesterday, from a friend whose child was born the day before you. They were celebrating their 15th birthday in the post and had added Taylor Swift’s song Fifteen.

Say what?!

Did I know that TS had such a song?

I am not sure.

That said, of course I had to find out more!

After spending some time learning about it, including listening, reviewing the lyrics and exploring the backstory, I knew that would be the one for your 15th Birthday post here.

Also, it didn’t hurt that TS mentions her bestie, whose name is none other than ABIGAIL (with red hair) in the song!

This birthday blog post is an extra labor of love this year, as (you know) your mom is composing it while on Day 5 of navigating life with benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), that was somehow triggered towards the end of my recent work trip to London (which prior to that was awesome). BPPV is not fun/I do not recommend it.

Your 15th year was a doozy with lots of high points and a many low ones too. Though you could probably say that about any and every year of your life (and anyone’s for the matter), the older you get the more aware you tend to be.

Let’s start with some of the highs…

You graduated from 8th grade at Haven Middle School in Evanston! Hooray and go Northstars!

I know I am a broken record about this subject and I never dreamed (until several years ago) that you and I would attend/graduate from the same middle and high schools! I love that you are now a 9th grader/freshperson at ETHS! Go Wildkits!

You had some wonderful experiences with your dance classes at Dance Center Evanston (Tap, Modern, Jazz, Hip Hop, Ballet, Pointe and Cecchetti) and the annual recital weekend in June at the North Shore Center for the Performing Arts, as well as being a member of/performer with ede2 (dance company for 7th and 8th graders) for the second year. Dad, Sean and I, as well as Grandma and Grandpa Benson, Sheila, Pete and Chris all love to watch you perform on stage and are grateful for the many opportunities we had to see you do so during your 15th year!

You also had some humbling experiences related to dance, as you were not invited to join the Evanston Dance Ensemble (EDE) high school dance company (affiliated with ede2), as you anticipated and hoped to be. That was both heartbreaking and a learning opportunity, as you tried to understand what happened and why.

It seemed like the universe was nudging you more in the direction of acting. which you also really enjoy doing, and had been struggling with whether to focus as much on dance in high school anyway. So to some degree our family thought, “Gail will audition for (and get to be in) the Freshman/Sophomore Fall Play at ETHS!” And then… You didn’t make that! Ugh.

Again, it was a mix of extreme disappointment and also (maybe) some more lessons to be learned related to effort and preparation when trying out for and participating in things, especially at the high school level.

All of this led to more PIVOTING!!!

From not dancing as much as you expected, to not getting to act on stage as you hoped, to doing something you never really considered = YAMO Croo!

Those may sound like nonsensical words to those who don’t speak the language of E-town.

So for the lay people out there and according to ETHS’s website: “YAMO is a musical sketch comedy revue that is written, directed, choreographed, scored, produced, performed, critiqued, revised and perfected by ETHS students.”

It’s definitely a full circle moment for me (as your mom) to be able to *allow* you to do YAMO Croo (a.k.a. Stage Crew) as a 9th grader, when you didn’t make EDE or the Frosh/Soph Fall Play, knowing that I wasn’t *allowed* (by my parents) to do it as a 9th grader, after I didn’t make YAMO Dance. I know they had good intentions and were worried about how I would do academically (something we are concerned about with you too at times) if I was too busy after school. We didn’t know yet/at the time (in 1989, also the year TS was born), that I actually did better/managed my time more effectively when I was busier (such as with extracurriculars), which is still the case (after I returned to the traditional workforce full time in 2021).

Other highlights from your 15th year?!

Most definitely getting to return to Camp Echo for a full two weeks with Voyagers at Outpost! It was bittersweet for you to be back with the memories of learning there last summer on July 12th, just a few days after you arrived, that Grandma Jacquie was dying, and you were able to have a wonderful and meaningful experience overall. You made some great friends and had some really cool adventures there.

Then you came home and got COVID! Because, the universe thought it would it be fun for our family to get it three different times this summer, as opposed to all at once. It super sucked to have to cancel so many plans and activities you and we had been really looking forward to. You were a great sport when we had to cancel your 8th Grade Graduation Party not once, but twice — due to Sean having COVID and then later Dad and me getting it, at the end of our awesome Hilton Head Island (HHI) vacation! You (and we) also had to miss out on 4th of July celebrations, as that is when you had it. Ugh (again).

We did have a marvelous time on HHI — for two weeks this year, though it was not the same (and sad) without Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin with us. It was hard to believe it had been five years since our last Axe family trip there/with them. We had a lot of awesome adventures there before COVID hit the 50% of our family (including me, for the first time since the pandemic began) that had not been stricken yet this summer, including bike rides, beach days/riding waves in the ocean/building sand castles, yummy meals, visits to Harbour Town to see/hear Gregg Russell perform, golfing (mostly Dad and me, but you did participate in that exhibition/get chosen for a short lesson on the spot!) and (of course) spending time with our Hunt family (many of whom live there).

What else?

In addition to physical health challenges, including getting COVID in early July and not feeling well towards the end of last week and earlier this week (you are not back to 100% yet today, though you did return to school/extracurriculars), you also navigated mental health challenges this year. This is not new for you or our family and I admire how you are often able to be self aware and advocate for the support that you need. Dad, Sean and I love you so much and are proud of you for both asking for and be willing to receive help. You have come a long way this year on that front and we know it has not been an easy journey.

Certainly one of the best things this year brought you was a closer relationship with a really good friend, that you met through a shared love of dance, and whom with you ride bikes to school most mornings, hang out often, have sleepovers and do many things together that you haven’t gotten to do as much of since the pandemic hit in early 2020 and then we moved to E-town in 2022. We are so glad you two have this connection and we really enjoy spending time with M when she is around/at our house!

You had some opportunities to babysit for the super cute 5 YRO and 3 YRO neighbor boys who live next door! You love both the experience of getting to spend time with them and the fruits of your labor = spending money! This also led to you being asked to be a face painter at one of the two block parties our family got invited to this summer (neither of which was actually held on the block we live on), since their mom was helping to plan one of them.

You still love to sketch and draw and are taking cartooning as an elective your first semester of high school, along with American Sign Language (ASL) as your chosen language. You’ll take theater in place of cartooning second semester. You also seem to be enjoying and learning a lot in your other general/core classes (including Biology, Geometry, Humanities — English and History, Advisory and Physical Education).

To say your room is a MESS, would be an understatement! So that is something you can definitely work on in your 16th year. Not to mention, getting your drivers permit… AHHH! How exciting and also scary is that?!

Speaking of scary things, you introduced our family to the TV series School Spirits and the (not so scary) Heartstopper (based on the graphic novels), both of which we all really enjoyed watching together. You are like a Heartstopper evangelist and I get it! It is a wonderful love story (more so stories) that is so relatable, especially in these more open minded/hearted times to be a teenager. How excited are you for Season 3 to be released soon and for the trailer to come out on your birthday today?!

And now circling back to the author/composer of Fifteen, the soundtrack of your 15th year was in large part songs by Taylor Swift, especially her newest album The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD)! You got a TS TTPD inspired cardigan for your 8th Grade Graduation gift and a TS Folklore inspired cardigan for your 15th Birthday gift today. From live streaming Eras Tour stops to playing Mastermind on the Swift Alert app, while competing against each other (and hundreds of thousands fellow Swifties), we sure had a lot of fun with our shared love for her music and antics! We are happy for her that she found love again with Travis Kelce and enjoy following what they allow us to see of their relationship. She has come along way since she wrote Fifteen, apparently when she was 18 and reflecting on how it felt.

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Who doesn’t want to be wanted?!

I know I’ve shared with you before, that when I was around your age, I desperately wanted a partner and to be “in love.” However, if someone *liked* me, I tended to write it off as character flaw on their part and found it safer to have crushes on those who were equally unlikely to find me to be a suitable mate for them. How silly is that?!

One of my biggest regrets is not giving some people who were interested in me a chance, as I think we would’ve had fun together and I was too young to be taking myself so seriously (Thank you, Indigo Girls, for helping me get Closer to Fine)! However, that is easy for your 49 year old mom to say with hindsight.

Oh, to be able to go back and tell yourself what you know now at any age and stage of life… Can you imagine?! It would be so cool! And yet, as we learned from Being Erica, having the ability to revisit some of our regrets and/or get another chance to make a different choice doesn’t mean that life would be easier or even better.

In reviewing the post I wrote for Sean six years ago, I came across these words and didn’t feel the need to come up with new ones, as they still hold true. So, to quote 2018 me:

“Thank you for all you have taught me over the past 15 years. It’s true that I learn as much, or more, from being your mom, as you learn from Dad and me raising you.

It’s hard for me not to have expectations, for you and your experience during your high school/teenage years. And I am realizing that what I might want or hope for you may not be the same as what you want for yourself. And that’s more than okay.

This is your life.

Not a chance for me to have a do over through you…

That doesn’t mean I can’t live vicariously through you at times, which I do.

And I will still try to share some of the lessons I’ve learned, the hard way, when I was your age and beyond.

I get how important it is for you to learn, mostly from the choices you make and the paths you take, on your own.

You will make mistakes.

You will have regrets.

But, every day’s a new day.

And you will be what/whomever you decide you to be.”

And now to quote TS from again…

But I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen

I agree that time can heal a lot, including many aspects of our experiences with grief and loss (which you’ve had to deal with much of, as a bereaved sibling of Molly and grandchild of Grandma and Grandpa Axe). However, I will take issue (as I tend to do) with TS suggesting that she was *supposed* to be anyone or anything. I don’t believe that our lives are predestined or determined. As I already shared in quoting 2018 me, I do think you/we get to decide, though certainly some people are born into lives of more or less privilege, oppression and marginalization. Though, in reconsidering what TS is saying here, she may be suggesting that finding “who we are supposed to be” is another way of choosing.

Okay, well, I am tired and want to share this before your birthday is over. So that’s is all for this year’s tribute to you on another September 17th, which is a very happy day!

I love you so much, dear Abigail Grace, and feel so blessed and lucky that I get to be your mom and that you are part of our family!

Happy 15th Birthday! Cheers to another wonderful and meaningful year in your life!

Love,
Mom

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My London Semester Journal II: Sunday, March 31, 1996

August 27, 2024

Sunday, 3-31-96 4:00 PM On the Way Home from Our Road Trip (somewhere in Scotland or England) 9:00 AM E-Town Back in the “Black Sheep”… That’s what we’ve named our rental car this weekend! We are on our way home after a fabulous weekend which truly exceeded my (& I believe all of our) expectations! Ruth […]

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Transportation Bonding

June 30, 2024

One of the many cute and quirky things my parents did regularly in their golden years was something they referred to as “transportation bonding.” It typically consisted of my dad driving my mom somewhere that only she needed to go. However, they used it as an opportunity to spend quality time together during the ride […]

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Mom, O’Keefe & NYC

June 13, 2024

For my 48th birthday last year, in March 2023, my mom contributed to my getting an Art Institute of Chicago membership, something I’ve done and really enjoyed off and on over the years. I got it as part of a deal that lasted 15 months, so it doesn’t expire until the end of this month. […]

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Dreaming of Mom

May 26, 2024

I finally had a dream with my mom in it! It happened right before I woke up this morning — 10 months and 13 days since she died. In the dream Mom was still alive, but we seemed to know that she was close to dying. I am not sure if she knew that. I […]

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