20 years ago today, on December 1, 2004, we experienced our first miscarriage.
I was about seven weeks pregnant, with an estimated due date (EDD) of July 20, 2005.
Sean was 13 months old when I tested positive with a home pregnancy test on November 10, 2004. We were trying and I was anxious to know. Thus, I didn’t wait long after I missed my period.
Sean and that baby would’ve been about 22 months apart in age and likely one year in school. I recall that bothering me a bit initially. For some reason, I thought it could be a bit weird. I also remember after we miscarried briefly wondering if I wasn’t excited enough, allowing myself to dwell on things like that.
Somehow two decades have come and gone since then.
We went on to get pregnant two more times in the year to follow, one ended in a very early miscarriage (in August 2005) and the other turned out to be an interstitial ectopic pregnancy which had to be surgically removed before it ruptured and could’ve endangered my life (in November 2005).
That was still over a year before we were referred to/began working with a reproductive endocrinologist and trying to conceive via assisted reproductive technology, which also led to my starting this blog in April 2007.
There is so much more to the story of our family, especially our journey with Molly, who died the day she was born (in April 2008), followed by the arrival of our rainbow/miracle child Gail, who turned 15 in September this year. Not to mention Sean, who turned 21 in October!
Time really does fly…
I looked for posts that I wrote over the years in which I referred to our first pregnancy loss and may add more in the future to this blog entry, if/when I come across more:
I don’t have a lot more to say about this milestone and also felt compelled to share something here about it.
Sending lots of love to all those who have experienced miscarriage and/or other forms of pregnancy or baby loss. Though I don’t believe everything happens for a reason or that we need to try to find silver linings when we are grieving, I do think we can find meaning as we navigate difficult, uncertain and painful times in our lives. Our journey through secondary infertility and loss had such a big impact on who our family is and I am today, thus I took time to write about this.
Today you’ve reached a significant milestone in a young adult’s life, your young adult life.
Today you are 21 years old.
I had a bit of trouble falling asleep last night and as I was trying to settle down, I reflected on how I was actually awake most of the night before you were born. This was due to my being in labor (for over 24 hours), prior to your delivery (via c-section) and it seemed somewhat fitting, though not the most effective way to calm my mind.
You weren’t actually born until around supper time on October 2, 2003 and we’ve often joked that the OB/GYN we nicknamed “Dr. Smartass,” who delivered you, wanted to make it home in time to have dinner with his family that night.
In many ways, your life at 21 does not look as I imagined it would or like that of your dad’s or mine at your age and that’s more than okay.
It is your life, your journey and (for the most part) you get to choose your path.
I am grateful that Dad and I are in position to be able to continue to help support you at this age and stage and appreciate your affirmation that living at home feels right to you at this time.
I struggled a bit to choose this year’s song and decided on Send for Me by The National (specifically band members Aaron Dessner and Matt Berninger). I got to see them perform Send for Me twice live last year at the Auditorium Theatre in Chicago (where you graduated from Jones College Prep High School in 2022) and it was mesmerizing.
Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, I’ll come and get you
Send for me, whenever, wherever
It is a somewhat simple concept and one that I hope you’ll digest as a young adult who can still count on your parents to come and get you anytime and anywhere.
For much of my adult life, before the last years of their own lives, I could count on my mom and dad/your Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin to come and get me, which gave me a lot of comfort and confidence.
Send for me, whenever, wherever Send for me, I’ll come and get you Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, whenever, wherever Send for me, I thought you’d never Send for me, whenever, wherever
Run out, run out, run out to me now Run out, run out, I’m pulling around Run out, run out, run out, run out to me now
Run out, run out, run out to me now Run out, run out, I’m pulling around Run out, run out, run out, run out to me now
The last year you spent serving with AmeriCorps City Year Chicago informed as much what you didn’t want to do next (study/train to work in education) and what you did (which you are still unsure about). It was challenging, with long and draining days, including quite a commute to/from the schools you were placed at. I admire that you stuck with it, finishing what you started.
Now you are well into your first semester at Oakton (Community) College, which seems to be going well. Dad loves to talk Accounting (one of your courses and the major you are considering) with you and I feel that way about Sociology (another of your courses). You were also taking a math course, that was mostly self-paced/directed, which you were actually able complete early (before the end of the semester) today! Lastly, you are taking an English/Composition course, which isn’t your favorite and you are still managing to keep up with your assignments and work through it.
I am proud of you for trying out for one of the fall plays at Oakton and how you handled not getting cast. It was especially disappointing after the director was so impressed with your audition and indicated that you were a strong contender for the lead role. However, then they kept you waiting, a lot longer than expected, before you found out. It was cool that they asked you to still be involved, in a consultant-like role, since they thought you’d still have valuable input to share. However, your involvement didn’t end up being as frequent and meaningful as we initially understood it to be. Pivoting has been a big theme in our family this year and we applaud you continuing to do so, with patience and humility, when things don’t go as you hope or anticipate.
While on the topic of theater and acting, in August we got to see writer, actor and comedian Brendan Hunt (Coach Beard on Ted Lasso), perform his solo show “The Movement You Need” as a family at the Io Theater in Chicago (where he grew up), as well as to get to meet and chat with him briefly afterwards! Brendan is an incredible story teller, who made us laugh so much and cry some too. As a fellow bereaved adult child of a big Beatles fan, who grew to love the band and their music in large part because of my dad/Gail and your Grandpa Kevin (for Brendan it was his mom), I found that shared connection especially moving and relatable.
One of my favorite memories from that evening, right before I took this photo of Brendan, you and Gail was when you introduced yourself to him and mentioned the part in his show when he talked about being nervous to meet one of his idols and how kindly Brendan responded to you, indicating that he thought you were handling the interaction well. I am thankful to one of our friends, from when we lived in Chicago’s Beverly neighborhood, who is also one of Brendan’s old friends, that suggested we see the show, knowing how much they thought we’d appreciate it!
Getting back to college life, Pride club has been another way that you have started to get more involved in the Oakton community and I am glad that you are able to attend the weekly meetings most of the time. The handful of instances when you haven’t been able to go has been, in part, because you serve as our family’s “Uber” driver, as needed (which can be often). We are grateful that you drive Gail wherever they need to go/be whenever we ask and, more recently, when I wasn’t able to drive because of my ongoing struggle with dizziness/vertigo (since the tailend of my trip to London), you took me to and from work several days. Soon Gail will get their permit and start learning to drive, which will be interesting.
We appreciate how much you help around the house and with Gail, though we often have to ask/remind you to do things more than we’d like to. We know you are working on being more self aware, sufficient and motivated to do your chores and practice daily tasks of living. It both impresses and amuses me when I witness you trying some of the approaches we’ve used with you, over the years, with Gail when you are trying to help them move along and/or get things done.
Recently we’ve had some interesting and meaningful conversations about important issues that we are both upset by. One is the existence of the death penalty and the execution of Marcellus Williams in Missouri. I share your outrage and encourage you to further your political education, as well as to learn more about when, where and how you can get more involved, which might include organizing/taking direct action/working for change.
As I was writing parts of this (the night before your birthday), we were watching the 2024 U.S. Vice Presidential Debate between Republican candidate J.D. Vance (former President Donald Trump’s running mate) and Democratic candidate Tim Walz (Vice President Kamala Harris’s running mate). This year’s Presidential election is another topic often discussed in our family and it will be the first one you’ll be old enough to vote in, which is another significant milestone.
The way our current two party system is set up, until if/when we abolish the electoral college (which I am in favor of), unfortunately our votes in Illinois don’t really *count* when it comes to Presidential races. I am grateful that we live in a state that almost always goes blue/to the Democratic candidate(s) and at the same time, I wish we had more progressive/abolitionist candidates (that had a chance to actually win) who were willing to recognize, speak out against and try to put and end to the apartheid system Palestinians live under in Gaza and the West Bank. They could also pledge to enact an arms embargo (if they aren’t in a position to do so now) that could lead to a ceasefire to stop the genocide in Gaza. However, for now, I believe that voting for candidates that can win within the system we have (until we can change it) and we will be able to more effectively organize to impact change under makes sense. There’s no doubt in my mind those candidates are Harris/Walz. There are also many Harris/Walz policies/plans that I support.
I don’t take these milestones in your life for granted, especially with yesterday being five years since your childhood friend D died unexpectedly of an AVM in his brain. It’s surreal and bittersweet that much time has passed. We still miss D and share special memories of him. Likewise, I feel sad that my parents/your Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin didn’t get to live to see you reach this milestone. I know how much they adored you, their first grandchild, and how proud of you they were and would still be.
At the same time, when it comes to these milestones, I don’t want you to feel pressure to make too much of them. We’ve talked a lot over the years about how our society and culture socialize/condition us to think certain experiences and stages of life are *supposed* to be a certain way. It can be difficult to unlearn these ideas, as we figure out what matters and is meaningful to us. When we discussed how to celebrate your 21st birthday, you indicated curiosity about trying alcohol, while also recognizing your favorite beverages are milk, water and milkshakes. So we found a local restaurant that has cheeseburgers and fries (your favorite meal), as well as makes “boozy milkshakes” and plan to celebrate there with you tonight!
Other highlights this year included our family’s wonderful road trip/two week vacation to one of our “Happy Places” Hilton Head Island, South Carolina! One of our morning bike rides on HHI was fun(ny) and memorable — especially when we had to forge that stream/big pool of ocean water that we came across during low tide, as we rode along the beach. We’ll never forget watching and laughing with you, as you carried your (relatively new) bike through/over it, in effort not to get it very wet! Here’s some photographic evidence…
Some of our low points were certainly each of the four of us getting COVID at various points this summer — you and me for the first time ever! That was a big bummer.
We are proud of you for so many reasons, including that you *chose* (wink, wink) to start your special day working out with us! We did 4 Weeks of The Prep: The Crucible, with one of our fav super trainers, Amoila Cesar, and I found his words of wisdom to be spot on for your 21st birthday. We also agreed to you being the DJ/choosing the music (from your fav video game soundtracks), which you found especially motivating. The last song was “Live and Learn,” which I believe is from Sonic Adventure 2 (or so my quick consultation with Dr. Google said), which also seemed fitting for your milestone day.
You still love to buy, receive and wear funny T-shirts, including the one we gave you as a gift today, which reads, “Never Trust an Atom, They Make Up Everything.” You also continue to enjoy all things Pokémon and Sonic, as well as streaming/watching stand up comedy specials, especially ones that make you think, as much as laugh (such as John Oliver). Though we haven’t had an HBO/HBO Max subscription in awhile, you are are still a big fan of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and we try to catch his weekly segments/big stories on YouTube when they are available and we remember/have the time.
There is so much more I could write/say and yet, I am going to wrap this up.
My wish for this next year of your life is that you find joy and meaning, as you continue to explore who you are/how you identify and where that will take you. I hope that your journey will include prioritizing your relationships with loved ones and being open to making new/deeper connections with those you may not have met or gotten to know well yet.
One of my favorite verses in Send for Me by The National is:
If you’re ever in a psychiatric greenhouse with slip-on shoes Wipe a smile on the shatterproof windows, I’ll know what to do
If you’re ever in a gift shop dying inside Filling up with tears ‘Cause you thought of somebody you loved You haven’t seen in years
That imagery makes me both laugh and cry, as it reflects the ways important relationships in our lives can impact us powerfully and how it can feel to be understood by a loved one.
Send for me, whenever, wherever Send for me, I’ll come and get you Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, whenever, wherever Send for me, I thought you’d never Send for me, whenever, wherever
Send for me, whenever, wherever Send for me, I’ll come and get you Send for me, whenever, wherever
Happy 21st Birthday, my dear Sean Owen!
Thank you for making me a mom!
My life changed forever, for the better, the day your dad and I found out you were on the way and even more so the day you were born.
Please know that as long as I live or* am able, you can always send for me and I’ll come and get you.
Love,
Mom
*PS – I added this * because we giggled so much after I read this to you during/after dinner (per your request), because I intended to convey that if I was alive and not able, there was a chance I wouldn’t come and get you. However, I inadvertently suggested that if I was able to come and get you, after I die, that I would. LOL
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Today you’ve reached a significant milestone in a young adult’s life, your young adult life.
While on the topic of theater and acting, in August we got to see writer, actor and comedian Brendan Hunt (Coach Beard on Ted Lasso), perform his solo show “The Movement You Need” as a family at the Io Theater in Chicago (where he grew up), as well as to get to meet and chat with him briefly afterwards! Brendan is an incredible story teller, who made us laugh so much and cry some too. As a fellow bereaved adult child of a big Beatles fan, who grew to love the band and their music in large part because of my dad/Gail and your Grandpa Kevin (for Brendan it was his mom), I found that shared connection especially moving and relatable.
