12 years ago I participated in a year-end blog meme for the first time called Rewind 2011, with fun and interesting questions designed to get writers and readers to reflect on our lives in 2011. I did so again the following year, with my Rewind 2012. After that I took six years off, starting up again with Rewind 2018, followed by Rewind 2019, Rewind 2020, Rewind 2021 and Rewind 2022. I am always fascinated by how much has changed in my life over the years, as well as the many things that haven’t. I decided to do it again this year and as with my experiences in 2011 – 2022 answering the 35 questions listed below was both interesting and challenging for me.
For 2023 I cleared my previous answers from 2022 and started fresh again, as it can be tempting to reuse some of my previous answers (which I’ve done in the past and is okay). I did consult posts from Facebook, blog entries here and even our family holiday letter (that we sent with our card in December) when I felt the need to jog my memory for some questions. I also gave myself grace to not finish it during 2023, hence why I am now sharing it in mid-January (as I did last year/for my Rewind 2022).
If you choose to participate (either on your blog, via a Facebook post or you can even send me an email with your answers), please let me know so I can read and comment on yours too.
So here goes Round Eight with “Rewind 2023:”
1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before? I conducted a more formal job search, albeit internal to Northwestern University (NU), than I had during any other time in my life. I was *only* in the traditional workforce for four years before becoming primarily a stay at home mom for 18 and thus hadn’t done that much before. I applied for 17 roles (including one outside of NU) and eventually found a wonderful fit with the new position that I started on September 18th, as Career Advisor with the Medill School of Journalism, Media, Integrated Marketing Communications.
With one exception, the first ten or so jobs that I applied for I wasn’t asked to interview, which was discouraging. I worked more with my old friend and awesome career coach Alison Begor (whom I highly recommend if you are looking to make a job change and/or pivot in your career), along with a friend/colleague/mentor at NU, to strategize, as well as to update my resume and cover letter. I also continued to do a lot of internal networking and advocating for myself for specific opportunities at NU. That than led to my being invited to interview for several roles in January and February through which I ended up as a finalist for two positions (both of which I was very excited about) and made it to the second round of interviews for what I thought was my dream job in the Global Learning (study abroad) office. After those didn’t pan out (for a number of reasons, which make for interesting stories in and of themselves) I felt very disappointed and even more drained, as well as pessimistic, about the process.
From there I focused on making the most of the role that I was in and everything I loved about it, as part of the program team supporting two professional master’s programs (MSIT and MLDS/MSiA at NU in the McCormick School of Engineering), which gave me a lot of flexibility in my work/life balance. That proved to be especially important as my mom’s complex medical conditions got worse and I was pulled away from work more and more before she died in July. I slowed down my search for a few months and then in May a friend/colleague who has worked in Medill for many years told me about an open position that she thought could be a great fit for Medill and for me. In retrospect, so much of my life experience up until this point yielded transferable skills that prepared me to thrive in my new job as Career Advisor, including what I went through in the last year in particular to get here.
Another thing I did in 2023 that I’d never done before was to sit with someone I was very close to who was dying/receiving hospice care — my dear mom. From the moment I got the call that she was being rushed to the Evanston Hospital ER with what they thought were signs of a stroke early on Wednesday, July 12th and I drove there to meet her, through her last breath in the early afternoon on Thursday, July 13th, I rarely left her side and then only for a few minutes here and there. It was an extremely emotional, draining and powerful experience to be with Mom through those final hours of her wonderful, challenging and meaningful life. I wasn’t able to be with my dad when he died in July 2021 and appreciated having the chance to be with Mom until the very end.
Related to the last one, I lived in a world in which both of my parents are dead, which contributed to me feeling untethered for the second half of 2023 (after Mom’s death). As much as in some ways I’d been preparing for this for many years, knowing my parents both had a lot of complex medical conditions, we are never truly prepared for our parents to die and having them both pass away within the span of two years and 12 days has been a lot to navigate, especially because we were so close and very involved in each others’ lives.
Finally, I fell for a very elaborate scam — I thought I knew better and would never fall for one like that and, yet, I did. It was a Taylor Swift Eras concert ticket scam involving a Facebook group for those who supposedly wanted to buy and sell tickets and sending the payment(s) via Zelle. It is what it is and we lost $950. It is embarrassing, I am still angry when I think about it, I feel stupid and so sad. I wanted for Gail and I to be able to experience Taylor Swift and Girl in Red live/in person and not spend what they were asking on StubHub. There were more than a few red flags, but not as many as I would’ve thought, which is one of the reasons I fell for it. I also jumped through a ridiculous amount of hoops to fall for it (which is all the more frustrating). So for anyone considering trying to buy tickets this way, please don’t do it or be extra careful, as the level of detail that this/these scammer(s) put into pulling it off is beyond me.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? As I have shared in previous years, I no longer believe in making New Year’s resolutions, as I know that I can start something new and/or make changes in my life at any time. I don’t think I have to wait for a new year to do so and I also appreciate that it can be motivating to use a new year to jump start our work towards goals in our lives.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, as I already mentioned in #1, my dear mother Jacqueline June (Beisler) Axe died on July 13th (six months ago today). It’s still hard for me to believe as I type this. In addition to being my mom, she was one of my closest friends and biggest cheerleaders. She read most of the blog posts I wrote over the last 16 years and often commented when I shared links to them via Facebook or mentioned them when we spoke. These were Mom’s words in the comments of the link I shared on Facebook to my Rewind 2022 post on January 16, 2022:
I just read “Rewind 2022.” I am in awe of your reflections and how well you expressed them! I learned a lot about you and life from reading them! Thank you! You grace my life!
Mom most definitely graced my life too and I learned so much from her in the 48 years I got to have her as my mom. I think about and her miss her every day.
As I did after Dad died, I’ve started curating a page here on my blog where I link to the posts I write about Mom, as I share them. Interestingly, in the first year after Dad died, I wrote nine blog posts about him and my experience navigating life after his death and one in the second year. I realize that since Mom died 12 days after the second anniversary of Dad’s death, my grief and all that followed her death in many ways eclipsed where my focus had been until then.
There were many others that I wasn’t necessarily close to who died this year, however they made a meaningful impact on my life/me. Many of those people were somewhat unexpected and I am learning that is going to be more common at this middle age/stage of life. In late March, my paternal Uncle Pat, who was married to one of my dad’s younger sisters/my Aunt Sheila died. In early April, a hometown/childhood/school/Camp Echo friend Emily died. That was a reminder for me not to take for granted that there will be time to connect with people in person in the future. When our family moved back to Evanston in March 2022, Emily and I were excited to be living only a few blocks away from each other. Somehow it wasn’t on my radar that her cancer had returned, even though we communicated fairly regularly via social media (liking/loving/commenting on each others posts), and sadly we did not meet up in person before her untimely death. Also in April the dad of an extended family member who I feel close to died unexpectedly. My heart broke for them and their family, which include other extended family members who I care deeply for. I always enjoyed seeing this family member’s dad at gatherings and he is so very missed.
In early June, my former supervisor from when I worked at Catholic Theological Union (CTU) Graduate School for Theology and Ministry from 2002-03 with the Peacebuilders Initiative, Sheila McLaughlin, died. However, I didn’t learn of her death until late August. At that time I started writing a blog post about the influence she had on me and then never finished/posted it. So I am sharing some of the reflections I had compiled in the Notes app on my phone here. Though Sheila was only my supervisor for one year at CTU, we entered each other’s lives at a pivotal time for me and she had big impact on my both my faith and professional growth, including showing me it was possible to have healthy work/life balance/boundaries, after I had previous jobs where that wasn’t modeled or encouraged as well. I found and watched the livestream recording of her funeral mass. I was struck by the readings being the same as those we chose for Mom’s funeral in July. That was validating knowing they were both amazing and strong women, as well as what a great liturgist Sheila was. The priest who gave the homily talked about her life in three acts (we met and worked together during her third act) with an Epilogue still being written by all those who lives she touched, which I moved me deeply and gave me hope as I continue to navigate life without both of my parents in it. Lastly, her twin brother gave a beautiful eulogy. I had forgotten about him until he stepped up to speak and then remembered that I had met him and that he had a small role with the Peacebuilders Initiative as a yoga teacher. At one point during his Eulogy for his sister, he invited everyone take a moment to think about special memories they have of Sheila/their relationship and then he paused. I don’t recall ever seeing that done before and found it to be powerful.
In mid June an acquaintance from when we lived in Beverly, Madeline, died. We didn’t know each other well and still I really enjoyed being connected with her over social media and seeing her perform live, as she was an comedian. Two things I will never forget about her, which brought joy to my scrolling were how she would countdown the last days of the Chicago Public School year before summer break with creative/amusing memes representing the number left and she would post pictures of how random people would (seemingly regularly) block her driveway in front of her house, by parking in front of part or all of it. In November, an old friend of my parents, who was especially close to some of our our dear family friends, Hugh, died. Last, but certainly not least, earlier this month one of my dad’s close friends and a member of my parents’ parish church whom they both adored, Bob, died. Attending Bob’s wake and funeral were especially bittersweet experiences, as it was the first time I was doing something like that because, in addition to caring about Bob and his family, I felt compelled to represent my parents in their absence to pay our respects and convey how much their friendship/community meant to Mom and Dad.
5. What places did you visit? We visited Milwaukee, Wisconsin, while Sean was attending their second semester at Marquette University there through May and Bob’s parents’ summer home in Sister Lakes, Michigan.
In August we took our first big trip since before the pandemic hit in 2020, to Maui, Hawaii in honor and celebration of Bob’s parents’ milestone 50th anniversary this month with our extended Benson family. We happened to arrive the day that devastating wildfires hit West Maui, which was sad and scary. We were lucky to be staying in Kihei, about 25 miles away, where we weren’t directly impacted. For that reason, this much anticipated vacation was not quite what expected and we made the most our situation, while trying to support local people and businesses. Mom and Dad Benson renewed their vows during a beautiful ceremony at a small ocean side chapel, followed by a special family dinner afterwards. It was Bob and my first time back on Maui since our honeymoon in 2000 and we made many wonderful new memories, including hiking adventures, driving/exploring the Road to Hana, lots of delicious meals, local beer, shaved ice, relaxing time at the beach and attending a fabulous luau.
In November I got to travel for work to Nashville, TN for the Career Leadership Collective’s Kickstart professional development experience for new career services professionals. I connected with wonderful staff members from other universities across the U.S., learned a lot, enjoyed some delicious food and heard/saw some fabulous live bands perform in the Music City.
6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023? The ability to widen/expand my Window of Tolerance through regulating my emotions more effectively. I want to slow down and pause more before I respond/react to outside stimuli, whether those are other people in my life or situations that arise. This idea was introduced to our family by one of the wonderful therapists who helps us to navigate this time in our lives. That therapist also talks about how learning/being able to “notice, name and navigate” our feelings/emotions can be instrumental in better understanding and learning to regulate them in healthy ways.
7. What dates from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 12th when mom began dying and entered hospice care unexpectedly and July 13th when she died.
September 18th because it was my first day in my new role at NU as a Career Advisor with Medill.
Lastly, October 7th when Hamas killed close to 1,200 people in Israel, as well as took many others as hostages, and how that incited a horrendous response from the Israeli government, which to date has killed over 23,000 and wounded over 58,000 people in Gaza.
8. What was/were your biggest achievement(s) of the year? Caring for mom, being with her while she was in hospice care/dying, planning for and implementing her wake and funeral services, cleaning out her apartment and wrapping up her affairs, parenting our now 14 year old and 20 year old children, and applying for many new roles and landing an awesome one.
This year I also used the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at NU to connect with a new therapist that I adore and after our first 10 sessions, that were provided as a benefit of NU’S EAP, transitioned to connecting with her long term through our health insurance. We meet via Zoom every other week and I have learned so much from her. I am grateful to be in regular therapy again. Other members of our family have also gotten matched/to connect with new therapists this year, which has also be fruitful and I am grateful that we are able to receive support this way, which helps so much to navigate the joys and pains of life at every age and stage.
Also, I was invited by the three co-facilitators of Evanston’s White Anti-Racist Group (WAG), that I joined in June 2022 (after we moved to Evanston that March), to join them as a facilitator in June 2023 to help plan for and lead the meetings that summer. It went well and they asked me continue on in the Fall for the next school year with them. These three women have taught me so much, become good friends and it is my honor/privilege to get to spend time regularly connecting with them. Our Evanston WAG meets monthly (in person in the summer and via Zoom the rest of the year). This is a description that describes the purpose of our private Facebook group where we also communicate in between meetings, in addition to email, that also captures the focus of our meetings, “This group exists to share resources that will enable us to continue to examine white identity, white privilege, and white supremacy. Through this ongoing examination, we hope to reduce our bias and more effectively take action to dismantle systemic racism and to create a more equal, just, and liberated community and nation.”
9. What was your biggest failure? Allowing dysregulated versions of me to engage with others, especially our children in my role as a parent (see #6). Also, using sarcasm in ways that hurt people whom I love. Sarcasm was discouraged in my childhood home/Axe family and thus it wasn’t a big part of my life until I became an adult. It took me a long time to learn how to understand, appreciate and use sarcasm in my relationships. Only in recent years did I get to a place where I started weaponizing it. That said, I appreciate more now why my parents opted to not use sarcasm much in our household and am working to be more intentional and kind about how I speak to others. Also, getting scammed trying to by Taylor Swift | Eras Tour tickets for Gail and me (see #1).
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Other than my super annoying seasonal (more like year round) allergies and at least one bad cold (close to the time Mom died in July), I managed to avoid getting COVID or anything else major. I did opt for a proactive procedure, called a Laser Iridotomy, that my new eye doctor recommended, due to my a high risk of Angle Closure Glaucoma, (also known as Acute Glaucoma or Narrow Angle Glaucoma). It wasn’t fun and I survived/it wasn’t that bad. Though I did have to return to have the procedure repeated on one of my eyes, when the hole closed up soon after the first procedure, which I did not enjoy. I wrote here on my blog about this Middle Age Malady, along with another bizarre medical condition I was diagnosed with in late 2022, though it doesn’t require any treatment at this point. Also, I continue to navigate perimenopause and though I went 10 months without a period, I’ve yet to make it to 12/a full year. Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of Hot Flashes, though I’ve heard some refer to them as Hot Flushes — which I think captures the annoying feeling better.
One other thing that happened, which was quickly overshadowed by what happened with Mom the week that she died, is that I felt really dizzy/light headed on Monday, July 10th at work and ended up going to the ER in an abundance of caution. I had Googled my symptoms and wondered if I was possibly having a heart attack. In retrospect, it may’ve been a combo of cold symptoms and stress. As, the days/weeks leading up to Mom’s death were very stressful for Mom, our family and me. The medical team in the ER was very supportive and affirming of my choice to come in that afternoon and get checked out just in case, even though I turned out to be okay.
11. What were the best thing(s) you bought? Our plane tickets and other expenses related to our Maui trip!
We had a clean out installed in our front lawn after our basement flooded four times in the first nine months that we lived here in our new home. We also bought a Combi boiler when our hot water heater stopped working, especially knowing that our furnace/boiler would’ve been due to be replaced in the coming years. We have been very pleased with it and highly recommend if/when you may be due for something like that, it may be worth looking into/considering if it will meet your needs.
Our family experiences great joy through going to live theater and concerts. Some of our favorite performances from this year, that various configurations of us saw, were: The Book of Mormon, Jagged Little Pill, My Sister, My Brother (Garrison Starr and Sean McConnell), The National, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Ed Sheeran, BoDeans, Pearl Jam, John Oliver and Hamilton.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Bob and me! Though I have always known and appreciated how lucky I am to be married to my best friend Bob, this year I have been especially grateful for and moved by how he has supported Mom, the kids, our extended family/close friends and me through such difficult life transitions. The first half of the year Bob did so much for Mom and for me, as I was helping to care for and support her and then after she died he continued on in so many important and meaningful ways, including helping to navigate the financial ramifications of Mom’s death. I am also really proud of myself and how I handled everything that life threw at me this year, especially helping Mom to deal with her complex medical conditions and then death.
Those organizing and advocating for a Ceasefire in Gaza, including my friends who identify both as Jewish and Anti-Zionists, who have showed incredible courage in the face of so much pressure to fall in line with the Zionist agenda. I have learned so much this year about the history of the land where Palestinian and Israeli people reside now and have lived in the past. We often hear about this situation and/or “conflict” being complicated. However, the more I learn, the less complicated it seems to be. I really appreciate my Anti-Zionist Jewish friends who have been willing to share their stories and experiences, including the way they were conditioned to believe certain things about land in the Middle East/West Asia, especially Israel. Watching the documentary film: Israelism was also eye opening and meaningful. I highly recommend renting and watching it.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The conservative/biased U.S. Supreme Court and how they are using their power to roll back/take away civil rights for women (especially when it comes to making decisions about our own bodies/medical care) and minorities (especially affirmative action). Also, Hamas, the Israeli government and Zionists. I have been surprised, confused and saddened to learn how many people in my orbit that I understood to be progressive, open minded and anti-racist aligning with/supporting the Zionist agenda.
14. Where did most of your money go? Our house, Sean’s second/last semester at Marquette University, our trip to Maui and tickets for live theater performances and concerts.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My new job as a Career Advisor with Northwestern | Medill!!! Jagged Little Pill the musical (Gail and I got to see it three times when the National Tour was in Chicago, two of which through winning the Broadway in Chicago Ticket Lottery), Hamilton the musical (Bob and I won the $10 lottery last month and got to see it again — his second and my third time) and Taylor Swift | The Eras Tour movie (especially since we were not able to get tickets to see Taylor and her show live/in person)!
Also, Mom contributed to my getting an annual membership to the Art Institute for my 48th birthday! I really enjoyed being able to go there fairly often in 2023 with my family and a number of times by myself. Mom and I went there together on May 13th (the day before Mother’s Day) to see the Van Gogh and the Avant-Garde exhibit, attend a lecture about it by the curators and have lunch. It was a very special day just the two of us and hard to grasp that she died only two months later.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2023? “When I Get There” by Pink, “Eyes Closed” by Ed Sheeran and the setlist for his Mathematics tour, The National’s album “First Two Pages of Frankenstein” released in April, especially “Once Upon a Poolside” and “Send for Me,” and Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour setlist (which we listened to so many times in preparation for attending the movie), especially “The Man,” “Lover,” “Enchanted,” “22” and “Karma.”
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder
b) thinner or fatter? about the same
c) richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Travel and spend time with friends
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Perseverate about circumstances, situations and people that I cannot change
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2023? We celebrated with my sister Meg and her family early on Sunday, December 10th, as they alternate every other year being in Minnesota with her husband’s family and this was their year to go there. It was a nice low key celebration that reminded us of our Axe family Christmas Eves when we were growing up in Evanston. We ordered pizza, as we often did (our bigger/more formal meal was always on Christmas Day), exchanged gifts and played games. The adults played the card game Euchre and the kids hung out and played video games together. It was very bittersweet to not have Mom with us for the first time — celebrating our Axe family Christmas, with only two generations. Meg’s family and we had also been together for a bit more formal meal/gathering on Thanksgiving, which we hosted at our home, along with our close family friends — the H family. That was the first big holiday celebration since Mom died and very meaningful for us to all be together then.
On Christmas Eve we visited the cemetery where Molly is buried to bring decorations for her grave, as well as to see Bob’s paternal grandparents’ graves, en route celebrating with our Benson family at Bob’s sister and her family’s home. They catered the meal this year, which made the gathering more laid back. Grandma updated the narrative of/script for her Nativity Play in effort to appeal to her grandchildren who are getting older. It was fun to see the kids and grandparents open presents, which gets less chaotic as everyone ages. A highlight this year was when a family member brought a lot of dollar bills for the grandchildren/cousins to play LRC with and each person who won got to keep the cash! The kids really enjoyed the game, especially those who were lucky enough to win and the adults got a kick of watching them play.
On Christmas Day we opened presents in our jammies after we woke up. This was the second year since we didn’t have any professed believers (in Santa) at our home, which definitely leads to a lower key vibe on Christmas morning. Though the kids were still excited to open and enjoy their gifts. Sean asked for and received some Pokemon related things and Gail asked for and received friendship bracelet making supplies and Perry Jackson books. Two of my favorite gifts (that I picked out for myself) were Taylor Swift related. One was a white t-shirt that looks like what she wheres in the Eras Tour movie when singing “22” that says, “A LOT GOING ON AT THE MOMENT.” The other was an ornament, which we also got for Sean and Gail, that references her song “All Too Well” and says “F*ck the Patriarchy.”
Next we got ready/dressed up for the rest of the day and went to mass at St. Nick’s Church (where Mom and Dad were parishioners for over 20 years). We stopped by the cemetery where Mom and Dad are buried to visit their graves on our way back. Then we hosted the H family at our home. We repeated the menu we served in 2022 on Christmas Day, as well as Easter 2023, including HoneyBaked Ham (which Dad especially loved), delicious homemade macaroni and cheese, along with cornbread, honey butter sauce, and french style green beans. We also served Bob’s mom’s yummy cookies for dessert (which she’d given us the night before). We Zoomed with Meg and her family after dinner.
We had half as many people at our table as we did in 2022. This was in part because, as I already shared, my sister Meg’s family typically alternates spending Christmas with our Axe family in Illinois or Wisconsin and with their Minnesota family (where they were this year). Also, Bob’s parents/Grandma and Grandpa Benson, who often join us, couldn’t make it this time. Last and most definitely not least, Mom/Grandma Jacquie was not with us for the first time this year and Dad/Grandpa Kevin for the third. Outside of 2020, because of the pandemic (when we still did a family Zoom call), I don’t think there was ever a December 23rd – 25th in my life when I didn’t see/spend time with my mom (and dad, before he died in 2021) on at least one day. All of this said, we were grateful to host/be with our dear friends/chosen family, which was special and meaningful.
21. Did you fall in love in 2023? I fell in love with the idea of “imagining and practicing new worlds.” There is a lot more for me to learn about and to unpack with this concept, however in a nutshell — so many systems function in ways that keep marginalized and oppressed people marginalized and oppressed and we have to disrupt the status quo through organizing and working for meaningful and lasting change. We don’t have to wait for new elected officials to be voted in/take office and/or for legislation to pass (though both are also important) to help others through mutual aid and community care. We can start with our internal narratives, being more intentional and kind in how we speak to ourselves. Likewise, we can be more intentional and kind in how we speak to our families, friends and colleagues.
One of my favorite local examples of mutual aid and community care is our Evanston Community Fridges. People donate money and/or drop off food for those in and around our community who are food insecure to take for themselves and their loved ones. There are no questions asked or hoops those who receive the food have to jump through. I wish that our society was set up in a way that no one ever had to go hungry and I appreciate that in big and small ways we can make a difference through things like this.
22. What was/were your favorite TV program(s)? Ted Lasso: Season 3, The Bear: Season 2, The Last of Us, Welcome to Wrexham: Season 2, The Crown: Season 6, The Diplomat, Dear Edward, Shrinking, Trying, Heartstoppers and The Morning Show. I am probably forgetting some as our family loves to binge watch TV series together. Mom often watched some of these shows with us when she came over once a week for a meal or to hang out, usually on Saturday or Sunday late in the afternoon through the early evening.
23. What did you do for your birthday in 2023? The night before my birthday we had dinner at a family favorite, Wildfire Glenview. My sister and her family drove down from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, picking up Sean from Marquette on their way, and we celebrated with Mom and our families. My sister and brother-in-law’s oldest/her daughter/our Goddaughter and I share a birthday, so we were celebrating both of us that night. On my actual birthday I decided to take the day off from work, which was fun. I went to the Art Institute of Chicago, which is one of my local/Chicago area “Happy Places” to see the Dali exhibit there. I treated myself to lunch at Potbelly, which was yummy. Also, Gail baked an awesome yellow cake with chocolate frosting for me and decorated it (including mixing red and yellow to write their message in my fav color orange), which we all enjoyed for breakfast. It was also fun that London came up on our Rick Steves One-a-Day calendar that day.
24. What was/were the best book(s) you read and podcasts that you listened to? I read/finished 22 books in 2023 (some I had started in 2022), which was three more than in 2022. However, a few were graphic novels (the awesome Heartstoppers series that Gail introduced me to) and thus faster reads. As I have shared before, I am often reading/listening (via Libro.fm) to more than one audiobook at a time. 14 of the books were non-fiction and six were fiction. Of the 14 non-fiction books, five were for a bi-monthly virtual Intergenerational Abolitionist Book Club that I participated in facilitated by Mariame Kaba and Geoff Johnson which was fascinating. Our club read five biographies of abolitionists from the 1800’s and I was struck by how the challenges they faced back then have similarities to what is currently happening in our nation and world. Of the six fiction books, three were for another one of the books clubs that I am in that meets via Zoom. I appreciate that the book clubs that I am in move me to read books I might not have otherwise. My two favorite books this year were: The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor and Master Slave Husband Wife: An Epic Journey from Slavery to Freedom by Ilyon Woo.
I continue to love listening to podcasts and some that I really enjoyed this year include: We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, The Daily, Who Killed JFK?, Ghost Story, The 13th Step, HBO’s The Last of Us Podcast and The Crown: The Official Podcast.
25. What did you want and get? A new job at NU!!! (see #1)
26. What did you want and not get? More time with my mom and I am so very grateful for the 48 years that I got to have her as my mom. Also, I didn’t get to pick where we traveled. Our vacation in Maui was wonderful overall and we haven’t prioritized some of the trips we’ve been wanting to take to certain locations since before the pandemic began. There are many reasons for this, including initially (in 2020 – 2021) because of our health and safety and then (in 2022) is was more a financial issue because of our move to our new home in Evanston. We still very much want to do a trip to the UK, after the epic trip I had planned for us in August 2020 had to be cancelled and another big destination on our list is National Parks in the U.S.
At this point we are planning a relaxing two week trip to one of our “Happy Places” in 2024 = Hilton Head Island in South Carolina. So much of our life in 2023 was overwhelming and I wasn’t sure I had it in me to plan a big trip in 2024. Also, we’ve started working with a local architect to design plans to finish/build out our attic and make some changes to our second floor (which will be expensive). The new third floor space will include a home office/guest room and bathroom. So we are thinking the year we both turn 50 and celebrate 25 years of marriage might be the one that will finally bring our family across the pond together for a very special adventure in the city/country I studied/lived in during the spring semester of my junior year of college in 1996!
27. What was/were your favorite film(s) of this year? Though we have not gotten tickets to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour in person, Bob, Sean, Gail and I went the night the movie version was released to see it at our local theater. One of our shared favorite memories, that the four of us still reflect on and joke about, is that there were a bunch of very young children singing and dancing around in the front of the theater during the movie, when All Too Well (10 Minute Version) came up and Taylor said the line “Fuck the Patriarchy!” a bunch of the little kids yelled it out/sang along! That’s why I bought the ornaments that say that for Christmas (see #20). As Swifties, Gail and I returned two more times, wearing homemade friendship bracelets, to sing and dance along with Taylor, her amazing band, singers and dancers, as well as everyone else in the audience! We also rented and watched it again on New Year’s Eve.
Another favorite for me was the documentary film Israelism, which was eye opening and very meaningful (see #12). Description from the film’s website: “When two young American Jews raised to unconditionally love Israel witness the brutal way Israel treats Palestinians, their lives take sharp left turns. They join a movement of young American Jews battling the old guard to redefine Judaism’s relationship with Israel, revealing a deepening generational divide over modern Jewish identity.” I highly recommend renting and watching it.
Bob and I really like watching documentaries and one of the many reasons I love working at Northwestern with Medill is the opportunity to do things such as attending film screenings and related discussions. In November Bob and I got to see Imagining the Indian: The Fight Against Native American Mascoting. It was a powerful documentary, followed by a thought provoking Q & A with Medill Alumnus Kevin Blackistone (Co-Producer) and Aviva Kempner (Co-Director, Co-Producer). The film is supposed to begin streaming in early 2023 and I highly recommend checking it out if/when you get the chance, especially if you think it is okay to have Native American/Indigenous mascots or “symbols” representing any kind of sports team at any level from elementary school to professional leagues.
The event was sponsored by Northwestern Medill, NU Center for Native American and Indigenous Research and the Buffett Center Institute for Global Affairs. From the event description: “Imagining the Indian is a comprehensive examination of the movement to eradicate the words, images, and gestures that many Native Americans and their allies find demeaning and offensive. The film takes a deep-dive into the issues through archival footage and interviews with those involved in the fight. The psychological research is clear, the use of Native American mascots is detrimental, not only to Native people, but to marginalized groups everywhere.”
28. Did you make some new friends this year? I got to know my WAG co-facilitator friends a lot better (see #8), as well as some of the members/participants in WAG, and formed new connections with colleagues at NU, especially in Medill (see #1).
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having more time to spend with people I care about and doing things that I love. When someone we are close to dies, especially a parent, there is so much that needs to be done and taken care of. Of course Bob and I did so much of that as a true labor of love and, at the same time, that (along with other factors) precluded us from getting to spend more time with other loved ones and doing other things we enjoy.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? Clothes that are comfortable, flattering and fun. Also, I often have one of more friendship bracelets on that Gail or I made (inspired by Swifties). When Mom died I inherited some of her jewelry, including a beautiful amber bead necklace that Bob and I had brought her back from our November 2019 trip to Poland. I wear that necklace often, both because it is beautiful and because it helps me to feel connected to Mom. Lastly, I bought two special pieces of jewelry (earrings and a bracelet) when were in Maui that I love and wear often.
31. What kept you sane? Therapy was huge and I am so glad that I prioritized connecting with a new one! Also, connecting with my best friend/partner/husband Bob and some close friends (sometimes in person and often via text/group chats). Listening to podcasts and audiobooks continues to be meaningful to my mental health as well.
32. Which celebrity/public figures(s) did you fancy the most? Mariame Kaba and Geoff Johnson, who facilitated the Intergenerational Abolitionist Book Club I participated in (see #24), as well as Garrett Bucks who facilitated a training that I participated in called Barnraisers. Mariame recommend that white people who want to try to help change systems participate in Barnraisers, which is how I found out about Garrett in the first place. He has a book coming out in March 2023, called The Right Kind of White, which I am really looking forward to reading. Also, I’ve been captivated by Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s courtship and am happy for them both.
33. What political issue(s) stirred you the most? See #13
34. Who did you miss? My mom and dad. Also, many other loved ones who left this world too soon, including our baby Molly. That said, my parents’ deaths have mostly eclipsed those loses at this stage of my grief.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson(s) you learned in 2023.
I LEARNED SO MANY VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS IN 2023!!!
Through my new role at NU with Medill as a Career Advisor, I am learning the importance of listening to understand and reflecting back what people say. My new supervisor has been in career advising for many years and she has already taught me so much. I love when I am in a meeting with her and/or shadowing her advising a student, when after actively listening to the person (or people) speaking, she’ll say, “this is what I am hearing.” She also talks about how when we are taking in a lot of new information (such as onboarding for a new job) to let things “wash over us.” I appreciate the visual and understanding I don’t have to digest it all at once.
I picked up the phrase(s), “say more” or “tell me more,” when I am trying to get someone I am in conversation with to further explain what they might be trying to explain. I am finding it often works well with within my immediate family, especially Sean and Gail at ages 20 and 14 when they don’t always give detailed answers to my questions.
Also, throughout 2023 I was reminded how my mom often spoke of the best thing we can do for loved ones who are struggling is to take good care of ourselves, so we will be healthier and feel more grounded when we try to support them, but not at the expense of our own well being. That can be applied to many people and circumstances and I get that is easier said than done. It was especially difficult for me when I was trying to help take care of Mom before she died, holding the tension between wanting to be there for her as much as possible and also needing to take care of myself.
My family and I were introduced to the Window of Tolerance (see #6). Though we were familiar with aspects of it previously, learning the vocabulary around the concept and being able to understand how each of us may thrive when our Window of Tolerance is wide and struggle/cope when it narrows has been has been really helpful in our efforts to interact with each other kindly and patiently.
The rest of what I am sharing in response to this last question initially came from an email exchange with some friends reflecting on things we’ve learned in recent days and months. Since a lot of my words to them captured many of the valuable life lessons that I’ve learned in 2023, I am adapting them here:
A friend recently shared that they’ve noticed when they feel reactive or cynical, it’s often because they are at capacity/their cup is overflowing. My friend talked about how recognizing those moments is key, especially as white people, and not allowing them to shape our actions. They said that can be some of our most important work in our interpersonal connections, including when it comes being anti-racist and trying to dismantle systems of white supremacy.
Also, in recent months I’ve been using and understanding the word generative more. I think about and try to be mindful of how some words and actions can be more or less generative.
I am trying to be curious and less judgmental, as Ted Lasso and others have taught us. When I notice that people I used to being in relationship with no longer want to be connected to me, often it seems because I am standing for what I believe in/speaking out, I try to “bless and release.”
I remind myself that life and organizing/advocacy/anti-racist/abolitionist work is marathon, not a sprint — at times we have to tag in an out. So it is huge to be on a relay team with others, in our community and world, and not running on our own.
I do love some good cliches and metaphors.
Being with friends, as well as so many other community members/co-conspirators, at a recent gathering/event was an incredibly powerful and meaningful experience for me. I learned from others’ examples, especially witnessing public comments and actions, which included literally standing with and following a friend’s lead/copying their moves and actions. I vividly recall every time my friend would step closer to a crowd that was protesting, in effort to use our whiteness to show solidarity, I would step closer with them. I was definitely in my proximal learning zone, feeling way out of my comfort zone and still recognizing the importance of what we were doing with our bodies and our words. Being able to follow my friend’s strong example was huge for me.
Last month, as Bob and I sat in the first row of Hamilton in Chicago (after we won the $10 ticket lottery) and I was watching “The Story of Tonight,” I couldn’t help but see my WAG friends in Hamilton, Lafayette, Laurens and Mulligan, when they sang “raise a glass to the four of us, tomorrow there will be more of us.” There were so many timely moments in my favorite musical that reminded me of the importance of standing for what we believe in, rejecting the status quo and turning the world upside down.
Lastly, in the email exchange I mentioned, my friends and I were discussing how we move through different seasons of life and how our capacity to be involved in organizing/advocacy may ebb and flow. In regards to that, I shared about how there was a time when my kids were much younger and my mom was newly retired that I found her telling me about her social justice work to be somewhat boring. I didn’t get it, as much I as did when I was younger and circled back to years later. She dedicated so much time and energy in her retirement to these efforts and my dad did some too, as well as when he was younger, which I think of often in moments like the gathering/event I referenced above. I know they are proud of me following in their footsteps, breaking cycles and at times taking some things further then they were able to (for many reasons). It was especially moving at the gathering/event to see one of their friends speak.
And I think, to quote Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”
Thank you for being part of my life in 2023. I wish you and yours a wonderful and meaningful 2024!
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