Sometime in recent years I finally came around to the value of flossing my teeth daily. I’d known it was important for much of my life and had never found a way that worked for me to maintain a consistent routine.
I committed to prioritizing flossing as part of my oral healthcare and bedtime routine around the time we were making our way through my parents’ belongings after my mom died in July 2023. We have actually not finished that process/project completely, as life happens and we’ll get there eventually.
While sorting through their stuff we came upon many large quantities of items such as dental floss, because my dad (who died in July 2021) liked to stock up on things, in part to get the deals for buying in bulk.
So, when I started flossing regularly, I was amused by the volume of dental floss containers that I had inherited (including various brands and some with mint flavor). I knew I’d eventually run out and have to buy my own, while realizing it would be awhile.
Well, that time has come. This week, three years after my mom’s death and five years after my dad’s, I finished the last container. It’s another bittersweet reminder of both what I’ve lost and what my parents left me through their deaths.
For much of their adult lives my parents modeled consistent and thorough oral healthcare. They both used electronic toothbrushes and flossed regularly. I admired that about them and it wasn’t until after their deaths (both at age 80) that I was motivated to start a similar practice.
When we moved back to Evanston in March 2022, Mom recommended their longtime dentist’s office and we started going there. I appreciate that our new dentist, some of the hygienists and office staff knew my parents. The team there are big proponents of using electronic toothbrushes and flossing and somehow they finally got through to me.
Also, Mom often talked about how the importance of oral healthcare had been impressed on her by her dad/my Grandpa Jack, who lost his teeth young on a basketball court (while he was a student athlete at Wanyesburg College, in the late 1930s/early 1940s, playing on their basketball team).
I continue to appreciate and think about the many ways I can keep my parents’ memories and legacies alive, as well as how I can still learn from what mattered to them. In addition to being a school teacher/reading specialist, Mom worked for social justice in her retirement. On top of being a journalist, Dad supported fellow recovering addicts in a 12 step program. They both prioritized flossing every day, for as long as I can recall.
I am grateful for all that my parents, who were also flawed (as we all are), taught and modeled for me in the 46 and 48 years I got to spend with them on this earth. I learned a lot from what they did well and the things they struggled with.
As one of my wise Axe cousins, C, is fond of saying, “what is remembered lives.”
My parents most definitely live on through me, my sister and our children/their grandchildren, as well as all those who are better for having known them.
Going forward, I will continue to think of Mom and Dad often when I brush and floss. And, now, it’s time for me to go shopping to buy some of my own.
Spring has come again and today it’s been 18 years since you were born and died.
It is a big milestone and you are not here.
I took a mental health day off work to give myself space to feel how I feel — which includes deep sadness and many other emotions. I am grateful to be able to do that.
I continue to wonder who you might be now, if you had lived longer, and don’t think about that as much as I used to.
However, during these big birthday years, when so many of those who would be your peers are moving forward into their young adult lives, I am more aware of your absence.
You’d legally be an adult and eligible to vote.
Likely, as senior in high school, you could be making a decision about where to go to college, as well as what to study/major in. Alternatively, you might be on a different timeline or choosing to pursue other paths.
What I most want for your siblings, Skylar and Gail, is for their lives to align with their values. I encourage them to be grounded in love, kindness, curiosity, empathy, generosity, justice, joy and authenticity. I do my best to meet my teenage and young adult children where they are and help them to navigate the wonders and challenges of life. If you were still here, I’d wish for and try to do the same for you. Parenting is far from easy and I am grateful for the privilege, as well as the grace, to learn and grow with your dad, Skylar and Gail as we go.
The last year, especially recent months, has felt unusual, in that some of the long held traditions and routines we established around celebrating holidays and visiting your grave were interrupted. Thus, all four of us have not been there together since close to the anniversary of your birth and death last year. Likewise, I have not prioritized getting there myself since then. It is definitely the longest I’ve gone in 18 years.
Life got away from us in the last few weeks and we didn’t make a plan to visit your grave in advance of or on your birth/death day, as we have every other year (even when we were out of town on the actual date). That feels both very understandable and frustrating. Initially, I didn’t think we’d get there today and possibly not make it this weekend, which we know (and I told myself) would be okay. However, I woke up this morning feeling sad and realized that I wanted to go. These grief rituals are meaningful to me and, especially with it being 18 years, I am glad that we are course correcting.
After discussing as a family, before Gail left for school, we decided that Skylar and I will pick up Gail after school to drive there. Gail will likely read more of my mom’s/your Grandma Jacquie’s letters to her mother/my Grandma Dee on our way there and back, which we really enjoy doing together. We are almost done with 1994 and they go through 1996 (though I don’t think there aren’t many from that year).
Depending on how your dad’s remote work day goes, as well as how he’s feeling, he may join us or not. I am reminding myself that we all continue grieve and process our journey with you in ways that work for us. We will still celebrate and honor your memory in other meaningful ways all four of us together.
After 18 years of grieving your death, preceded by your incredibly brief life, I don’t have a lot left to say.
I pass by and look at this photo of Skylar, Gail and me at your grave every day. It is one of my favorites and was taken on Mother’s Day in 2013. It sits in a 5 x 7 frame on top of a small bookcase, which belonged to my paternal Grandma Mite, on the landing halfway up the main staircase in our home.
Tonight we have tickets to see Hadestown the musical at ETHS, which feels serendipitous. The story and song lyrics capture living through tragedy, grief, hope and love so well. Last year we also saw ETHS’s spring musical, Mamma Mia, on your day. We will likely go out to dinner beforehand. Skylar suggested Culver’s or Shake Shack, imagining you’d enjoy eating there as much as your siblings do.
I’m also sharing one of my favorite pictures from our family’s epic trip to England last summer, of our Fab Four with a statue of the Fab Four in Liverpool. I think it captures each of our vibes and personalities well at our current-ish ages and stages of life.
I chose the Road to Hell (Reprise) from Hadestown for Skylar’s 17th Birthday post song, in October 2020, saying towards the end of my letter to your older sibling, “we keep singing, even when it is sad, and even when we know how it ends (at least for some of those we love).”
I am sharing the song lyrics again here, along with a lyric video, from the Original Broadway Cast Recording (OBCR) of Hadestown, as they capture our heartbreaking and life affirming journey with you, dear Molly Marie. I love that we will get to wrap up the 18th anniversary of your birth and death tonight with getting to hear and see it performed live on stage in our hometown.
A’ight It’s an old song It’s an old tale from way back when It’s an old song And that is how it ends That’s how it goes Don’t ask why, brother, don’t ask how He could have come so close The song was written long ago
It’s a sad song It’s a sad tale It’s a tragedy It’s a sad song But we sing it anyway
Cause here’s the thing To know how it ends And still begin to sing it again As if it might turn out this time I learned that from a friend of mine
See, Orpheus was a poor boy
Anybody got a match?
But he had a gift to give
Gimme that
He could make you see how the world could be In spite of the way it is
Can you see it? Can you hear it? Can you feel it like a train?
Is it coming? Is it coming this way?
On a sunny day, there was a railroad car And a lady steppin’ off a train Everybody looked and everybody saw That spring had come again
With a love song With love song With a love song
With a tale of love from long ago
It’s a sad song It’s a sad song It’s a sad song
We keep singing even so
It’s an old song It’s an old song It’s an old song
It’s an old tale from way back when And we’re gonna sing it again and again We’re gonna sing, we’re gonna sing
It’s a love song It’s a tale of a love from long ago It’s a sad song We keep singing even so It’s an old song It’s an old tale from way back when And we’re gonna sing it again and again
Thursday, 4-11-96 2:35 PM London 8:35 AM E-Town Well, I took my last final! (pretty painless – though I sure studied long enough for it…) I really did learn a lot from that architecture class! I sold my books back & am close to £35 richer for it! I wish I could keep the books […]
Yesterday, Rory McIlroy won the Masters golf championship for the second year in a row — making him one of four players to do that back to back. Last night, after we got home from Skylar’s Improv Level 5 Grad Show at iO Theater, Bob and I watched a recording of the final several holes […]
19 years ago today, on April 10, 2007, I began blogging. Though I don’t post as often or consistently as I have in the past, I am still grateful to have this space to share and process life. On past blogoversaries I have shared things that I have learned from blogging and 14 years ago, since my blogoversary fell on the […]
Wednesday, 4-10-96 11:40 PM London 5:40 PM E-Town This week has pretty much been full of my preparing for & taking finals! I am gonna copy into here highlights from an e-mail I wrote to Mom, Dad, Meg, & Kelly about this weekend & early this week cuz I am tired & don’t feel like […]
Learning to cope and find meaning when life doesn’t go as we hope, dream and plan (whether due to infertility, loss, illness and/or other circumstances)
Sometime in recent years I finally came around to the value of flossing my teeth daily. I’d known it was important for much of my life and had never found a way that worked for me to maintain a consistent routine.
