Remembering Molly (13 years) ~ Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Happy 13th Heavenly Birthday, Molly Marie!

Today you would be 13, a teenager.

I’ve been struggling to write this for so many reasons.

This week has felt really heavy, not to mention this month and year. It is both healthy and okay to feel everything I am feeling and it is really hard. I will not turn to toxic positivity when I am responding appropriately to our current circumstances.

Adam Toledo was 13 when he got shot/was killed by a Chicago Police Officer less than 3 weeks ago.

As a fellow bereaved mother, my heart hurts all the more for Adam’s mother and all the loved ones of those who have died at the hands of gun violence, especially Black and Brown people who are not given the benefit of the doubt that white people are afforded most of the time.

So much needs to change, individually and systemically. As I white woman and mother, I will not look away. I will continue to listen, to learn/unlearn, to speak up/out and work to dismantle white supremacy, including its prevalence in/entanglement with law enforcement.

I often think about and wonder what you would be like at this age and stage of life, in this case a 7th grader, who would likely be experiencing puberty. I was 13 when I got my period for the first time.

Abby also continues to enjoy imagining and discussing what you could be into, what the two of you would have in common and whether you’d share a room or not. As I write this, your Daddy and she are assembling a new loft bed in her room and she has mentioned several times how fun it might’ve been if you could’ve had a bed underneath the loft part, instead of the open space that instead she’ll *get* to use for additional storage and/or another place to hang out.

Abby also loves to draw and recently has been focusing a lot on animated characters. She gets a kick out of creating comic-like portraits of friends and family members, including guessing how you might look as a young teen. Abby also likes to write short stories and often imagines plots that include sisters.

Over the years I’ve tended to focus more on all the wonderful things you might be doing, including the extracurricular activities you’d participate in, and how awesome your unique personality would be. However, if you had lived longer, your life would not be all sunshine and roses. Being a teenager, especially in these times, is not easy. Being a parent is also not easy.

Mental Illness and addiction runs in our family and tragically, last month, another one of our extended family members lost their battle with depression. Some of their close family members shared, “if love could have saved (them), it would have!” As many who have struggled with anxiety, depression and/or addiction know, including those in our family (me being one), love helps a lot and it isn’t always enough.

Odds are, you would likely be dealing with mental illness and/or addiction by this point. I continue to be open about this with Sean and Abby, offering resources and support (as needed) and believe I would’ve done the same for you.

The older your siblings get, the more difficult and uncomfortable conversations we have about the challenges of navigating life, trying to be good humans, and how we can learn, grow and help to change ourselves, as well as our communities, for the better. I am proud of how they recognize the value in advocating for themselves and others, especially those who were not born into circumstances with the same amount of privilege.

As I shared about in your birthday message last year, the COVID-19 pandemic has continued to upend so much of life as we knew it, especially when it comes to education and those in the traditional workforce. It’s still hard to believe that your Daddy has been working from home, while Sean and Abby have been doing remote learning, since mid-March of 2020. All three of them will return to classrooms and the office for the first time on Monday, as Sean and Abby begin the 4th quarter of their 11th and 5th grade Chicago Public School years doing hybrid learning.

Since our last name starts with B, your siblings were placed in the groups/pods that will attend in person on Mondays and Tuesdays, then they will learn at home with everyone on Wednesdays, and again with their groups/pods remotely on Thursdays and Fridays. Though Sean could take the Metra train and Abby a school bus, for now your Daddy and I decided that we’d prefer to drive them to/from school. That is the main reason your Daddy is going to go into the office, at least to begin with, since he’ll already be downtown with Sean. I will be driving Abby to/from her school and can’t believe I am going to have more than a few hours to myself at home for the first time in over a year!

Though we didn’t take allowing your siblings to return for in person school lightly, part of why your Daddy and I are more comfortable with them participating in hybrid learning is because of the significant progress that has been made since President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris were elected in November and inaugurated in January, especially in regards to vaccines and more consistent factual communication from their administration.

Also, Daddy, Sean and I all had opportunities to get vaccinated in the last few weeks! Interestingly, the way it ended up playing out, we each got a different brand: Moderna, Pfizer (the only one approved for those who are 16 & older), and Johnson & Johnson (J & J). Moderna and Pfizer are both administered with two doses, whereas the “good enough” J & J is one and done.

The pandemic, Trump Era and white supremacy have all contributed to how difficult this last year has been for our family and it has taken a toll on some of our relationships with loved ones. Sadly, not everyone we care about (along with many people in our country and world that we don’t know personally) have approached one or more of those factors with as many precautions, integrity and the commitment to being actively anti-racist. That has been especially painful.

I continue to be proactive with behavior therapy for myself and encourage loved ones to also take advantage of how helpful talking with an objective professional can be for our sanity. I am learning how to use boundaries better to maintain healthier connections with family and friends.

Another development for our family in the last year, which I understand to be somewhat common in these pandemic times, has been to reevaluate and be open to adjusting our “plan” for the future. We are not ready to share much more than that widely yet, however I do want to say that I am proud of us for allowing ourselves to reconsider what we think is most important, in various areas of our life, and to recommit to continuing to evolve together.

Personally, I am also starting to dip my toes back into looking for a job in the “traditional” workforce. I am feeling drawn to positions in Higher Education, specially Student Affairs/Activities or Study Abroad/Global Learning, and recently applied for some at local universities. I am also working with an old and dear friend, who is coaching me through this process, which I really appreciate. It is both exciting and a bit scary to consider what it would be like to have a paid full time job, after over 17 years primarily being a stay at home mom, while doing a lot of volunteering and some part time work.

There have been so many “plot twists” in this last year that have required so much persistence and the ability to find hope and joy in simple pleasures, mostly at or near our home. We’ve played a lot of golf, gone on many local bike rides and have spent more time hanging out and having meals in our backyard than ever before.

I have also spent a lot of time as a caregiver with my parents/your maternal grandparents, accompanying them to appointments, mostly related to their healthcare. I am grateful to have been able to do this with/for them and it has been draining. Straddling the roles of parent to my own children and adult daughter to Mom and Dad has been an adjustment and was made even more challenging in the midst of the pandemic.

I am not sure what I really believe these days, when it comes to God and an afterlife, and I am continuing to explore that. It is a confusing place to be, considering how much of my life I spent with a strong Christian faith and being active in Catholic Newman centers/parish churches. That said, I certainly find it comforting to imagine you being in some kind of Heaven, along with so many dear family members and friends who have left this world too soon (at least when it comes to the timeline I would’ve preferred), as well as the other babies who didn’t live long or were born still, and have not given up hope that may exist. I also still appreciate when I see or hear things that feel like signs from you and/or other loved ones who have died, including butterflies, ladybugs, pennies on the ground, rainbows and meaningful songs.

I almost forgot to share one of my favorite things that we did early on during the pandemic, amongst the many home improvements we’ve been focused on over the last year… As you may know, if you are somehow able to watch over/keep tabs on us, in May we ordered a small magnolia cylindrica tree to plant in our backyard/garden! It is really small and I am not sure if I grasped how long it would take to grow and mature. If I had a better understanding, we might’ve opted to start with something bigger. That said, I have found so much joy and meaning in observing our “Molly’s Magnolia” plant/tree develop. Your magnolia arrived with leaves already on it and many more grew over the summer and fall. Now new ones are starting to sprout and grow, in our second season of nurturing it.

I was hoping that flowers would bloom on your magnolia this year, since it arrived after the time that could’ve happened in 2020. However, based on what has shown up so far, it is not looking very likely, and that’s okay. I love checking on Molly’s Magnolia, weather permitting, when I go outside to drink my healthy shake and/or as I come and go driving “Weasley” my awesome orange VW Beetle. It gives me another way to feel more connected to you, especially when I haven’t been to visit your grave at the cemetery in awhile.

This will be another year of just us four celebrating/honoring your life and memory in our own way, especially since the pandemic seems to be surging again in the Chicago area. We plan to decorate your grave, light candles and sing “Happy Birthday” to our Molly-girl, eat the yummy lemon birthday cake that your sister Abby proudly made, and do other fun family activities that we imagine you would enjoy with us!

We love you and we miss you so very much, today and everyday.

Happy Birthday, Molly Marie!

Love,
Mommy