As Ferris Bueller taught us and was part of his famous monologue, from the movie about his day off, which you memorized in elementary school,
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”
Life has been moving especially fast in recent months and 22 was a rough year for you and our family, though there were certainly many high points.
You learned a lot of life lessons the hard way, through experiencing the natural consequences of your actions. This included not graduating with your associates degree from Oakton College on the timeline you and we initially anticipated for this year. You did get to walk across the stage during the ceremony in May, which we celebrated with you, and wrapped up your OC coursework doing summer school remotely. You applied and were accepted into DePaul University in Chicago as a transfer student, along with being invited to join and participate in DePaul’s Summer Accounting Transfer Program. That was a positive experience leading into Fall quarter, which seems to be off to a good start. Way to go!
In your 22nd year you served as part of the Center on Halstead’s (COH) Young Adult Board and then applied, interviewed and were invited to return for another term. We are proud of your commitment to helping make COH a welcoming, safe and supportive space for the Chicago area LGBTQIA+ community. COH has also been a wonderful place for you to make friends and connections with others who are exploring and embracing their gender identity and expression, as well as sexual orientation.
You’ve struggled to find a part time job that is a good fit. You need one to pay back money you’ve borrowed from Dad and me, along with being able to move into a stage of life where can support yourself. You and we are hopeful that you will find something soon that both works with your schedule and for your skillset.
I get that all of this has not been easy for you and it is part of being an adult (for many people), which you have technically been for five years now.
Age does not tell the whole story and there are still aspects of adulthood that lots of people struggle with long after turning 18.
I appreciate the way you embrace finding humor in life. You do this through watching stand up comedy specials and TV series, to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and SNL, along with practicing improv, as well as performing and attending shows (which I will come back to), joking around with our family and wearing fun t-shirts with plays on words.
As you know, one of my favorite singers and songwriters is Sara Barielles and one of her most well known songs is “Brave.” You used to sing it when you were part of the Chicago Children’s Choir and I loved witnessing that. I got to see Sara and her band perform for the first time live last Sunday, which included a spirited rendition of Brave. The lyrics have always resonated with me and feel as timely as ever with the state of our world and interpersonal relationships, both on a macro and micro level.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
At the same time you’ve been navigating the perils of emerging adulthood, you’ve also been transitioning — both socially and, more recently, with medication — into the gender identity you more closely identify with than the one assigned to you at birth. Noting I have your consent and blessing to share about this here, as you are open/out about your gender identity and expression as a Trans Women.
One of the many things that has made this last year exponentially more difficult for you and our family is that not everyone in our orbit has embraced who you are when you and/or we have tried to tell them. We understand that it can be a lot for those who haven’t known transgender people to deconstruct the socialization they previously experienced. However, it is never too late and we wholeheartedly believe that if people truly love and care about others, they don’t have to let preconceived notions or “religious” beliefs get in the way of being open and willing to learn.
This lack of support from some people, who we hoped would have your back and ours, has felt really sad, extremely painful and incredibly disappointing. In the meantime, you and our family has leaned into relationships with loved ones who are willing and able to treat you with the respect and acceptance that you, and all human beings, deserve. We are grateful to and for the people in our lives who have shown up for and supported you and our family, as we navigate this together.
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
But don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
On that note, I think it is important for me to specifically name some of what has been happening in our country and the world, as well as to share why I think it matters, in these birthday blog posts. Though there are more than I few major things I could name — including the ongoing genocide and humanitarian crisis in Gaza, since I wrote about that in Gail’s birthday blog post I will focus on a different one here. A big headline this week has been about the Cornell Rape Allegations and Lawsuit. According to The 19th*, these are the allegations:
(Jane) Doe, a former Cornell student, alleges that she was drugged and repeatedly raped in a multi-hour attack at the Chi Phi fraternity house in October 2024. According to the civil lawsuit and media reports, Doe said that she went to the fraternity house already intoxicated and was pressured multiple times to snort a drug the men told her was ketamine. She alleges that while they sexually assaulted her, one of the assailants sent a message to a fraternity Snapchat group that there was “free pussy upstairs” so that additional men could participate in the rape. Doe reported the alleged attack to university police about three weeks later. No criminal charges were pursued at the time.
This story has reignited a much needed ongoing conversation about bodily autonomy, bystander intervention, consent, accountability, who is believed and rape/sexual assault. You know that I do not shy away from these discussions, in part because I want Gail and you to know where I stand, as well as why we need to work to change both the big systems and individual behaviors that allow these situations to occur and go unaddressed.
It’s often challenging for me to write one of these posts for you so soon after I’ve written one for your sibling. As though Gail is just shy of six years younger than you, their birthday falls two weeks before yours. I tend to recount much of what we have done as family together in the last year in Gail’s birthday blog post and rehashing it here seems redundant. That said, I do want these special letters to you to be able to stand alone.
We are glad that it worked out for the four of us to take a fun-filled and relaxing family vacation this summer to one of our favorite places — Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, along with stopping in Charleston for two nights on our way. I love this photo of Dad, Gail and you laughing heartily during a guided walking tour that we went on there.
You are at a stage in your life when you don’t prioritize spending a lot of time with your dad, Gail and me. So we don’t do as much together as we used to, which is okay. At 23, that is not unusual. However, being that you live at home with us and are not fully independent can make things more complicated. That has been somewhat of a challenge and evolution for Dad and me, to recognize and appreciate that there are many paths to meaningful lives beyond the ones that we chose/ended up on. We continue to do our best to meet you where you are, while still trying to hold you accountable and walk with you as you learn important life skills.
Dad and I also strive to be lifelong learners who live in line with our values. For us, this includes deconstructing some of what we were taught growing up and allowing our worldviews, as well as our priorities, to change and evolve. We know that we are never too old to pivot and chart new courses, which we do our best to model for Gail and you.
Yesterday was the seven year milestone since your childhood friend D died unexpectedly of a brain AVM. His mom, who is also my friend, shared a beautiful post on social media about what that bittersweet milestone means to her. It is hard to believe that much time has passed and I share her curiosity about who D would be today if he got to live longer. I continue to be grateful that D was part of your younger/formative years and all that you, as well as our family, learned from him being part of our lives. One of my favorite memories of D, which I shared on his mom’s post, that you told me about many years ago and we recently recounted together, is that he enjoyed *watching* The Lord of the Rings in his mind, because he’d seen the movie so many times. I’ve always thought that was so cool.
While on the subject of those who have gone before us, our family continues to honor the lives and memories of my mom/your Grandma Jacquie, my dad/your Grandpa Kevin and our baby/your sibling Molly — who would’ve turned 84, 85 and 18 respectively this year. We do this on their birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths, as well as in everyday moments and conversations when they come to mind. We appreciate remembering all that we learned from them and the wonderful experiences that we shared. As I also wrote about in Gail’s birthday blog post last month, I find it comforting to imagine talking with my parents and, knowing them well, have a pretty good sense how they would respond to whatever it is I might be struggling with or celebrating in life.
Another highlight of your 22nd year, that I alluded to earlier, was that you completed Improv Level 5 with your classmates/team “Baha Blast” at iO Theater in Chicago! Your dad, Gail and I didn’t miss any of your eight Sunday evening Grad Shows shows, which we enjoyed. The unique long form of improv that your classmates/team created was really fun and unique — including scene painting, “zooming into characters minds” and aggressive side support. Attending your improv showcases at iO, after each session/Levels 1-4 you that completed, was a significant factor in my starting improv classes myself at iO, not long after your birthday last year. I have grown to love practicing and performing (which we often refer to as “playing”) with my own improv classmates/teammates at iO and think it is awesome that we have this hobby in common, as well as Gail who participates in Improv Club ETHS. There are so many areas of life that the improv concept of “yes/&” can be applied to, which Ted Lasso incorporated into a Season 4 storyline that we happened to watch as a family last night.
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave
As I mentioned earlier, Gail and I got to go see Sara Barielles perform live earlier this week at The Chicago Theater as part of her Good Grief Tour, that is also the name of her new album, which explores the theme of navigating grief and loss. Before the show began, we made a pit stop at the bathroom and to fill up our water bottles. At the water fountain I encountered someone who had appeared to have a VIP pass. I asked if that meant they got to meet and hear from Sara earlier that day and they said, “yes.” I asked if there were any big takeaways they’d be willing to share. The person answered that towards the end of the VIP time with Sara, she left them with advice which was that Sara wished she had “started telling the truth sooner.” I found that to be really powerful.
One of the things I admire about you at 23, Skylar, is that you are telling your truth. You aren’t conforming to who society/others expect you to be. I find that to be healthy and brave, especially in world that often pressures people assimilate and fall in line.
Happy Birthday, dear Skylar!
I love you so much!
Love,
Mom
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