Today You Are Twenty

Happy 20th Birthday, Sean!

Today you are no longer a teenager.

Wow.

Two decades down and hopefully many more go.

Your paternal great uncles who like to compare getting older to playing an American football game would say you are now entering the second quarter of yours.

There’s so much about your life, as well as our family’s, that isn’t what I imagined it might be at this age and stage. The three biggest being: you are not in/away at your second year of college; your maternal grandparents/my mom and dad are both dead; and our family has now lived back in my hometown of Evanston for over a year and half now.

All three circumstances conjure surreal and bittersweet feelings.

When I was around your age I watched a bizarre movie with not so bizarre thoughts on life that spoke to me called Threesome. I was especially moved and inspired by a monologue towards the end, which I transcribed and then memorized:

“My college experience wasn’t what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure. But I’m not unhappy; I don’t think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it. It’s kind of like going on a vacation – you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you’d do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it’s happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip.”

Your college experience was definitely not what you had planned and you probably were not expecting to be spend this year living back at home with Dad, Gail and I forging a new path. That said, as we talked about a lot during your first year at Marquette and since you’ve returned, life, death and love are often not how they are portrayed in the movies.

About a month ago I shared on Facebook and Instagram (with your consent) a post about what was happening with you, as I knew that some of our family and friends might be wondering how your second year post high school was going. I led with a quote that I found from Serena Williams, “If Plan A isn’t working, I have a Plan B, Plan C, and even Plan D.” I talked about how your post high school Plan A was Marquette University and that it didn’t work out as you and we hoped for a number of reasons and, thus, you did not return for this next academic year. I shared that you and we spent time this summer exploring what your Plan B, as well as C and possibly even D could be.

The plan that you decided you most wanted to pursue was a year of service as a 2023-2024 City Year AmeriCorps member. City Year offers a mid-year start option, which you opted for since our special trip to Maui with our extended family precluded you from starting with the cohort that began in late July. You applied to be a student success coach with City Year Chicago and found out last month that you were invited to join starting in mid-October and serve through early June! We are excited for and proud of how you are navigating this plot twist in your life as a young adult.

We also look forward to seeing how your City Year Chicago experience will unfold, knowing it can it both empower you to make a positive impact on students in Chicago Public Schools (which you attended for K – 12th grades) and help you to figure out what your next steps/career path might be. Your Grandma Jacquie, who knew that you were pursuing this year of service opportunity with City Year Chicago before she died in July, would be/surely is (if possible) so happy to know this news! We know Grandpa Kevin is/would be too!

As our family has been helping you to pivot and work through all of this in recent months, while also navigating life since Grandma Jacquie died, we’ve talked about how problematic “achievement culture” can be and how though this wasn’t our shared vision initially, there are still manys ways for you to create/have a meaningful and impactful life. We’ve also found moments of much needed humor, such as joking about the episode of Friends with the “Pivot” scene.

Dad, Gail and I all missed you a lot when you were at Marquette in Milwaukee and have relished (most of the time) in having you back at home with us. We appreciate the ways you are willing and able to help out, doing chores around the house, being Gail’s regular driver to/from school, as well as dance classes and company practices. We also have tried to help you reflect on and learn from what didn’t go well during your year living away from home at college. We know you are not alone in this experience (of not returning to school after you first year) and hope you find some comfort in that knowledge. Conversely, as we’ve discussed many times, one of the best ways to grow is through challenging our comfort zones. Developing and maintaining healthy habits and routines is a lifelong practice that will serve you well going forward, regardless of what path you pursue. One of those healthy habits is starting your day working out with Dad and me (and sometimes Gail) and joining our family for dinner most nights, both of which I really enjoy and you seem to as well!

As much as Marquette didn’t end up being a great fit for you and vice versa, you did still have some wonderful experiences during your time there and we enjoyed our visits — especially family weekend around this time last Fall. A highlight of your year and ours being a Marquette family was watching and cheering for the Marquette Golden Eagles basketball team! They had a great season and you loved going to the games, where you cheered them on from the student section. We got a kick out of being able to find/see you in the crowd at times on TV! There was also that time when your friend, who co-hosted a weekly student run radio show/podcast, needed someone to sub for his co-host and you stepped in. It was so much fun to listen to the two of you adlib about various topics and you definitely seemed to be in your element.

You continue to be passionate about Pokemon, Nintendo games/characters and the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)! You made it to premieres of more than a few movies with one of your old friends and brought Gail along to some. Recently you’ve been going to a local game store at the mall and playing in Pokemon tournaments, which you’ve enjoyed and has allowed you to make some new connections with others who have shared interests.

Another big development in your life this year, which has been very meaningful and brought you much joy, is that you found love. It may not have been in the most conventional way and that’s okay. Technology/the internet allows for connections to occur in so many forms these days and, thus, the object of your affection lives across a very big pond (in one of my favorite countries) and though you have not met in person, texting and video chats has enabled your relationship to grow. More will be revealed (as Grandma Jacquie was fond of saying) as to what your partner’s and your future may hold. Regardless of what happens going forward and if your paths continue to converge, I am truly happy for you and your partner that you’ve formed such a special bond and have gotten to be there for each other in recent months, which haven’t been easy for either of you.

Other highlights this year include our extended Benson family trip to Maui to celebrate a special milestone, continuing to enjoy attending live theater performances (The Book of Mormon and 1776), sporting events (the last Cubs home game of the season, on Grandma Jacquie’s bittersweet birthday weekend, when it looked like they might still make the playoffs), watching movies (such as Barbie in the theater), TV series (Welcome to Wrexham, As We See It, Ted Lasso, Shrinking, The Bear, Heartstopper, Ginny & Georgia) and playing family card and board games together (including euchre, poker, Catan and Monopoly). One of my favorite parts of doing such activities together is when you find something really entertaining and/or funny and how enthusiastically you laugh!

Speaking of laughing, one of the celebrities that moves you to laugh out loud often is John Oliver on his show Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. You and I were supposed to kick off your birthday weekend on Friday by driving up to Milwaukee to see him perform live. However, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike thankfully ended this week (they appear to have gotten a reasonable deal), which means John’s show is returning soon and apparently this tour stop was deemed problematic in making that happen. So, I look forward to experiencing that with you belatedly at the end of this/your birthday month!

As I wrap up my 11th birthday letter to you, since I first started doing this annually when you turned 10, I will leave you with part of the song, including the chorus, of an awesome Taylor Swift song (from her album Evermore), called It’s Time to Go:

That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul
I know when it’s time to go

Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
That will find you the right thing
And you know in your soul
You know in your soul
When it’s time to go
You know, you know, you know, you know
When it’s time to go
So then you go
Then you go
You just go

Also, sharing the Official Lyric Video in case you want to check that out and/or refer back to it at some point:

So, my dear Sean Owen, I do believe that as you move forward into this next decade of your life, as Taylor sings, “in your soul you’ll know when it’s time to go”/listen to/follow your heart (by not like in a Disney movie or RomCom). Another one of my favorite celebrities/writers/podcasters Glennon Doyle talks about that as our “knowing,” others refer to it as a gut feeling and/or “doing the next right thing.”

You know I love that phrase and encourage you to take life at 20 one day, one step, one healthy choice and one next right thing at a time. Who knows where you will be/what you will be doing this time next year and that is okay. It is also exciting, because you get to make that call! Kudos to Gail for taking this awesome and apropos photo of you hiking the Waihee Ridge Trail in Maui!