Hello, 14!
What a whirlwind this last year has been for you and our family, dear Gail… We have navigated so many wonderful and challenging experiences.
Dancing Gail continues to describe you well as you spend as much time at Dance Center Evanston (DCE)/Studio 5 taking classes and rehearsing for ede2 dance company as you do at home and in school. I love this photo of you that I snapped after your last DCE Recital 2023 performance (and one of your best) with your Tap 4 class, which was bursting with energy — tapping to the super fun song “Sing, Sing, Sing,” and you were so entertaining!
As much as you thrive on stage, you also share my love for being an enthusiastic audience member. To that end, you’ve grown into an awesome theater/concert buddy! It was so exciting to experience your first concert with you in November — Indigo Girls at Cahn Auditorium in Evanston (not far from where I attended my first concert, also at 13 — UB40 at Welsh-Ryan Arena/McGaw Hall)! Though they are one of my all-time favorite bands, I’d never actually seen the Indigo Girls perform live in person. We expected Amy and Emily to be fabulous, which they absolutely were. What we didn’t anticipate is how much we’d enjoy their opening act, Garrison Starr, who we got to meet, out in the lobby, in between her initial performance and when Indigo Girls went on. Garrison was so kind and enthusiastic when we met and even signed your souvenir t-shirt!
We enjoyed Garrison so much that we went to see her again in May, this time with her My Sister, My Brother bandmate Sean McConnell at Evanston SPACE. Garrison and Sean alternated signing songs from their solo albums (at times chiming in with each other) and their My Sister, My Brother music — their voices sound really awesome together. Your Dad decided to join us at the last minute and we all really enjoyed their performance, as well as the intimate concert venue at SPACE.
On the opposite end of the concert venue/experience spectrum, in July we saw Ed Sheeran’s +–=÷× Tour at Soldier Field which was epic! So many of Ed’s songs speak to us, especially those from his most recent album, Subtract, that are related to grief and loss. Hearing him sing some of those live felt surreal and therapeutic for both of us, a little over two years since my dad/your Grandpa Kevin died and only 16 days after my mom/your Grandma Jacquie died earlier that month. I wish we couldn’t relate so much to these lyrics from “Eyes Closed” and I appreciate how Ed captures the experience of early grief for so many, including us:
I pictured this month a little bit different, no one is ever ready
And when it unfolds, you get in a hole, oh, how can it be this heavy?
Everything changes, nothing’s the same, except the truth is now you’re gone
And life just goes on
So I’m dancin’ with my eyes closed
‘Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
And time is movin’ so slow
And I don’t know what else that I can do
So I’ll keep dancin’ with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
So I’ll keep dancin’ with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Oh, I keep dancin’ with my-
So yeah, Grandma Jacquie died.
You made the difficult decision to leave your friends/”Dugdale” cabin mates at YMCA Camp Echo in Michigan, after being there for only three days (of your two week session), to ride home in the middle of the night (for over four hours), with your amazing Dad and awesome sibling Sean (who drove straight through/for over nine hours round trip to get you) in hopes of spending time with your maternal grandmother, who you understood would likely be unconscious when you arrived (if she was still alive). Though it was disappointing for you to miss out on the rest of the camp experience you’d been so excited for this summer, I know that you don’t regret coming back to be with my sister/your Aunt Meg and me at Evanston Hospital from 2:45 a.m. until Grandma Jacquie took her last breath close to 1:00 p.m. on July 13th, after she had been receiving hospice care for over 24 hours. Grandma Jacquie and you were very close and though she was not conscious after you arrived, in whatever way it may’ve been possible, I am sure it was meaningful for her to have you there and I know how important it was to you to have that time and connection with her in those final hours and moments.
Grandma Jacquie lived a full life, made it to 80 and had a complex combination of difficult and painful medical conditions, including Parkinson’s Disease, which made everything harder to navigate. Though we miss her very much, we also find comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering. Grandma Jacquie and we are/were extremely grateful that we moved here in March 2022, so that those last 16 months of her life we got to live only four blocks away. There were so many momentous experiences that we got to share with Grandma Jacquie since our move. From celebrating her 80th Birthday with our Axe family and dear friends at Hackney’s to our trip to the Walnut Room just after Christmas, where we got to eat by the big tree there (that’s when I took this lovely photo of you two), as well as honoring the second anniversary of Grandpa Kevin’s death at Hackney’s and her last 4th of July celebration in Evanston (just nine days before she died). There were also lots of ordinary special times, such as her weekly visits, which usually included her joining us for a meal in our dining room, at our kitchen table or in our beautiful backyard on the patio (which she loved), followed by watching a movie or TV show. We appreciate that she got to see the final season of Ted Lasso and watch Shrinking (two of our family’s favorites) before she died.
We are so proud of you choosing to write and give a eulogy for Grandma Jacquie, along with Aunt Meg and me. Dad helped you to fine tune your first draft, as he does so well, and you delivered it beautifully, with your older sibling Sean by your side for moral support. I hope you don’t mind my sharing it here, as it captures 13 year old Gail even better than my words can.
Circling back to our shared love of theater, we kept up our streak of going to see lots of musicals in downtown Chicago this year, sometimes with Dad and/or Sean along for the adventure and when we got lucky, more affordably, thanks to the Broadway in Chicago ticket lottery! The shows included: The Book of Mormon, 1776, Into the Woods and Jagged Little Pill (JLP).
You and I were so captivated by JLP that we ended up returning to see it three times in nine days! The storyline, song lyrics and performers were amazing. Also, since we staged doored every time afterwards, we felt like we got to know some of the cast members a bit. You were especially enamored with Jade McLeod (Jo) pictured with you here, Rishi Golani (Phoenix) and Cydney Kutcipal (Ensemble) in the photo with you below, who really appreciated that we kept coming back and the awesome pictures you drew of/gave to them.
Though grief and loss was certainly a central theme for your first year as a teenager, with your dear maternal grandparents deaths occurring just over two years apart, there were certainly many other occasions full of joy and meaning. Also, navigating the physical and emotional changes that come with puberty, especially as a young person who identifies as gender fluid, is not easy. I am glad that we are able to have open and honest conversations related to all of that, so that you are better able to understand and appreciate what is happening with your mind and body.
Every age and stage of life can be both wonderful and challenging, which you are learning. That can also be said when it comes to parenting. I remember how adorable baby Gail was and how hard those sleepless nights were when you struggled with colic. Likewise, I think it is really cool that you and I have so many shared interests and personality traits, which makes spending time together really fun. Conversely, teenage Gail struggles with delayed gratification and impulse control, which can lead to frustrating choices and inappropriate behavior. Though as parents we recognize this is not uncommon for adolescents, it still makes our relationship with you difficult sometimes.
We hope that as we continue to talk all of this through and hold you accountable for your actions, that you will develop ways to cope, as you learn and grow from experience. We are glad you have found friends in Evanston, both at your middle school and through extracurricular activities (including dance, acting and GSA), that you enjoy spending time with. Your Dad and I also get that teenage relationships can be awkward and confusing to navigate. We do our best to support you in the ups and downs that go along with that. You also have the unexpected bonus of having Sean living back home now and thus able to be part of your support system.
For much of the last year Dad, you and I were adjusting to Sean being away for their first year of college at Marquette University, which was especially hard for you with how close you two are. However, Marquette didn’t work out as Sean and we hoped that it would for a number of reasons and they did not return for this next academic year. We know that you are rooting for Sean as they take on their next challenge as a student success coach with City Year Chicago (an AmeriCorps program) starting next month, though you’ll miss having them as your regular driver to/from school and dance, as well as personal tutor as you work on homework, as much as they do now.
Another highlight for our family and you this year was last month when we got to take our first big vacation, for more than a few days out of town, in four years. We got to go to Maui with Sean, you and our extended Benson family (where your dad and I honeymooned 23 years ago) for 10 days, to celebrate a special milestone. Unfortunately, the day we arrived happened to be when the devastating wildfires there overtook the Lahaina area in West Maui. It was a heartbreaking and bittersweet time to be on the island, though where we were staying in Kihei, which is about 45 minutes away, in what is considered South Maui. Thus, we were far enough from where the brush fires happened that we didn’t see in person what was on the news.
We did what we could, while trying not to get in the way of recovery efforts, and still had many wonderful experiences. We hung out with our extended family, spent a lot of time at the beach and pool, as well driving the road to Hana/exploring the route on two different days, which was cool. We relished in some much needed relaxation, after all of the events surrounding Grandma Jacquie’s death. We’d spent weeks moving all of her stuff out the assisted living apartment where Grandpa Kevin and she had moved about a month before he died in 2021 and she lived the last two years of her life.
On August 13th, the one month anniversary since Mom/Grandma Jacquie died, we remembered how she spoke of peak life experiences and literally had one hiking the Waihee Ridge Trail to its peak. It was a truly amazing experience and so worth the wait for our first big hike on Maui!
There is so much more I could share and I know it’s okay to wrap this up now, especially as in doing so I will actually be finishing my first draft of this ahead of your birthday, which will allow me to be more present to celebrate with you. Also, good enough is good enough and I want you to remind yourself of that when you are tempted to spend more time on something than might be necessary or worthwhile.
I realize that I haven’t mentioned your sister Molly (who left this world much too soon, before you were born, in April 2008) up until this point and that’s okay too. The above photo was taken on our visit to the cemetery where she is buried close to her birthday/the anniversary of her death this year. I love that we found this butterfly kite and flew it there. We don’t talk about Molly and who she might be today if she had lived longer, as much as we used to and that doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we’ll ever forget about her.
I imagine Molly and you might share a love for Percy Jackson and Heartstopper books, along with watching TV series such as Ginny and Georgia, Stranger Things, The Bear and also Heartstopper, not to mention listening to Taylor Swift and Girl in Red. I am sorry we likely won’t get to see TS’s epic Eras Tour concert extravaganza in person, as we hoped to. I remember all too well and it really sucked when I fell for that scam back in May trying to buy us some tickets. However, I am really excited to see the movie version on the big screen with Dad, Sean and you next month!
On that note, September 17th is a happy day every time that we get to celebrate another year of you!
I am excited to celebrate your birthday with family and friends this weekend! Our plans currently include you getting to eat birthday meals out at restaurants three times in 24 hours (with various loved ones) — the last being one of our shared favs: Ed DeBevic’s!
Happy 14th Birthday, dear Abigail Grace!
Dad, Sean and I love you so much, with Molly, Grandpa Kevin and Grandma Jacquie always in our hearts!
Love,
Mom
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