Honoring Molly (14 years)

14 years have now come and gone since we last held you in our arms.

14 years since I carried you, you were born, and, soon afterwards, you died.

And what a year this last one has been…

I don’t think we’ve experienced a more difficult year since the one in which you were born and died (2008), though that thought seems familiar, considering how challenging the last two years have been (navigating life through a global pandemic).

This year has been especially hard because of my Dad/your Grandpa Kevin’s unexpected death in July. Though in some ways I felt like I was prepared for the death of one or both of my parents, since Grandpa Kevin turned 80 in January and my Mom/your Grandma Jacquie 79 in September 2021, we are never truly prepared for loss like that.

It was bittersweet to revisit the letter I wrote to you/in your honor this time last year, knowing it was the last one that Grandpa Kevin read and commented on (when I shared it on Facebook).

So much has changed.

The reevaluating and being open to adjusting our “plan” for the future, that I mentioned, came to fruition last month when we moved back to my hometown of Evanston. Getting here wasn’t easy, especially in the current real estate market and we did it.

One of the many factors that helped nudge us back in this direction, after 19 years living in our Beverly neighborhood on the far SW side of Chicago, was my returning to the traditional workforce full time, with a job at Northwestern University on the Evanston campus, as a Program Assistant supporting two professional masters degree programs in the McCormick School of Engineering: Master of Science in Analytics (MSiA) and Master of Science in Information Technology (MSIT). Though working FT again has been a big adjustment for our family, I really enjoy the work that I do, especially interacting with grad students and having really awesome colleagues.

There are so many bittersweet aspects to living in Evanston again, after all these years. I don’t like being further away from your grave and I appreciate living closer to Grandpa Kevin’s, though I wish he was still here, walking distance from our home, living with your Grandma Jacquie in their apartment at Three Crowns Park.

This year it felt right to change the title of my post/letter to you, Molly. “Honoring” resonates more with me now, than “remembering,” and “Happy Birthday Baby Girl!” also doesn’t ring true for me, as it once did, which is okay.

I am learning, at 47, that changing or trying on new/different names and titles, when old ones don’t seem to fit how we feel and identify, as any given time in our lives is okay too.

As you may know, your sister goes by Gail now and both of your siblings prefer to use they/them pronouns. That took some time to get used to and I have gotten pretty good at it, to the point where I actually struggle to use she/her and he/him at times.

Gail switched to my old middle school Haven, soon after we moved to Evanston, and I am so proud of how they have adapted there, finding some fellow “odd balls” as one of Gail’s new friends refers to those they hang with. I wonder if you had lived longer would we have moved to Evanston or stayed in Beverly/Chicago.

Would you be graduating from 8th grade at Sutherland, Keller or possibly St. Barnabas in June? You likely would have made your confirmation at St. Barnabas this year too.

Where would you go to high school? Jones College Prep, like Sean? Another Chicago Public High School? Or maybe, a private high school, such as St. Ignatius, where Sean had also been admitted and considered attending? Would you be into the arts, like Sean and Gail, and have applied and maybe gotten into the Chicago High School for the Arts (ChiArts), as Sean had gotten into (with their focus on Musical Theater)? Or, might you be starting at Evanston Township High School (ETHS), where I graduated from in 1993 and Gail will go in a few years?

Sean is finishing their senior year at Jones College Prep and recently decided that they will be going to Marquette University for college, where Grandpa Kevin got his masters in Journalism and we think will be a really good fit for your brother. The day that Sean decided to commit to attending Marquette, we saw two butterfly decals on a window, in a doorway, to a building where Sean will spend a lot of time there, and that felt like a sign from Grandpa Kevin and you.

Gail still likes to wonder, imagine and discuss what you would be into and have in common. What would you look like at 14 and what kind of style might you have? Would you love to dance, as Gail and I do? Would you be into other forms of art? Would you enjoy performing and/or going to see Musical Theater? I bet you’d also be one of Sean’s biggest fans and want to go to all of their shows too!

This year your birthday/the 14th anniversary of your death falls on Easter, which is also our first Easter since Grandpa Kevin died, as well as his youngest sister/my Godmother/your Great Aunt Denny (who died in January). That is a lot to digest and hold today. We spent Palm Sunday and the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday) at Sheil Catholic Center this week, which was very nostalgic, since that is where I grew up worshiping with our Axe family and have so many special memories. Some of my most vivid memories of Holy Week at Sheil include Grandpa Kevin being a reader at the masses (often acting the part of Pilate during the Passion) and harmonizing from our pew as we sang along to beautiful songs (including the Pange Lingua, Tantum Ergo and the Our Father).

At this stage of my life I am feeling more agonistic when it comes to God and Heaven, which is discombobulating, after having a strong faith for 40+ years. However, as Rachel Held Evans used to say, “on the days when I believe,” I am hopeful that if there is some kind of hereafter that Grandpa Kevin, Great Aunt Denny, so many other loved ones who also have died, and you are together.

One of my favorite pictures of Grandpa Kevin on one of your birthdays, when Grandma Jacquie and he joined us at your grave, to honor your life and memory, is of him sitting on the nearby monument and blowing bubbles. Grandpa Kevin enjoyed when we transitioned from releasing balloons on our Molly Days (in effort to protect wild animals and the environment) to bubbles. Since Grandpa Kevin died I have taken to keeping a container of bubbles in my car and blowing them whenever I visit his grave, which is often these days, as I did early on after you were born and died. I continue to find peace and comfort in decorating and spending time at Grandpa Kevin’s cemetery and yours. That helps me to feel connected to both of you, which means a lot to me, as I miss both of you so very much.

There is so much more I could say and I believe that, on some level, you know how I feel. If you are celebrating all that today represents with my Dad/Grandpa Kevin and Aunt Denny, your Dad and my grandparents/your great grandparents, along with so many other amazing souls who left his world too soon (in my opinion), please give them our love and so many hugs (if that is possible). We hope that they do the same for you.

We love you and we miss you so very much, today and everyday.

Happy Birthday and Happy Easter, dear Molly Marie!

Love,
Mom

I have you in my heart. ~ Philippians 1:7