Brave and Anxious

I came across this edited version of a page from a children’s story yesterday (via Parenting Works). I love the idea that we can allow ourselves to feel more than one emotion at the same time.

It’s okay to cry.

We can feel sad and brave.

Those two emotions (as well as any others) are not mutually exclusive.

I kept that in mind heading into my biopsy this morning.

I was feeling brave and anxious.

I didn’t need to talk myself out of the anxiety and only focus on trying to be brave.

As with many experiences in life, the anticipation is often worse, or at least different, than the reality. Based what happened with my breast biopsies three years ago, I knew things might not go as planned.

I am happy to report that things went about as well as they could have with my biopsy this morning.

My left breast is sore and I am feeling some anxiety about receiving the results, which likely won’t be available until early next week. They told me I may get the call on Monday or Tuesday afternoon, but hopefully by Wednesday at the latest.

They used another type of anesthetic (the name of which escapes me) to numb my breast for the biopsy today, since we suspect I might be allergic to lidocaine. This was in part because of my previous experience (in 2016), when I got light headed and nauseous in the middle of the procedure. The same thing had happened not long before that, when I had a mole removed from my back, which led to the lidocaine allergy theory, since that anesthetic was used for both procedures.

I did not have an adverse reaction or feel much of anything this time, which I was very pleased about. There was a point with the doctor told me that it was time for the “worst part,” while she was injecting the anesthetic. She said I’d likely feel a burning sensation. I did feel that a bit, but it wasn’t bad at all. From there on out I felt some pressure and heard what sounds to me like the noise a staple gun makes, when she was taking samples of the tissue, from the mass in my breast, but had very little pain.

When I first arrived I met with someone who went over the plan for the biopsy and what to expect, which I appreciated, even though I’d been through this before. Then the doctor/radiologist came in to review everything again and they both asked if I had any questions. We discussed the anesthetic issue, as they seemed most concerned about making sure they got that right, which was was comforting.

I did ask if they thought this could be another phyllodes tumor, which I keep mispronouncing and then get corrected. They said that it could be, however it is not in the same location of my breast as the benign one was in 2016, and thus less likely. From what I understand, the best case scenario is this solid mass in my breast being diagnosed as a fibroadenoma, which would be benign and not need to be removed/require surgery.

Everyone I dealt with at the breast center today was very kind, which helped me manage my anxiety and be brave. There were four people in the room during the biopsy, including the doctor/radiologist, the ultrasound tech, and two “navigators,” (as it states on my discharge form), which is a great term for the role they were in. One of the navigators was in training and thus stood off to the side and mostly observed.

The more experienced navigator was basically my moral support, as though Bob did come along with me, he stayed in the waiting room the whole time. I never did ask if Bob could join us during the procedure, but I also didn’t get the sense that would be allowed and I was okay with it. The navigator talked me through every stage of the biopsy, as did everyone else involved as they did their parts, which was really awesome.

I felt the most anxious in the hour or so leading up to the biopsy. Once I got into the room and on the table where the procedure was to happen, I started to relax more. The ultrasound tech started things off by doing some imaging, which I actually find calming, almost like a massage. She talked to me about what she was looking for and reviewing, as we prepared for the biopsy, so I didn’t have to wonder. She also marked my breast where the mass is, so the doctor would know where to focus when she began the biopsy.

The ultrasound tech did end up double checking that there was nothing in my lymph nodes, which I appreciated confirming, as in 2016 the biopsy in my lymph nodes was the worst part for me. So knowing that wasn’t in play today was a relief.

During the procedure my left arm, which they had me resting on my forehead, fell asleep, which felt weird. So in between the doctor taking tissue samples, they let me wiggle my fingers. There was a point when I felt something dripping down the side of my body and found out later that the “oozing” came from some bleeding during one of the tissue samples being taken. They had me switch to a new/clean gown after the procedure, because there were spots of blood on it from the oozing.

The doctor ended up taking four tissue samples, in part because two of them were essentially from the same location in the mass and she wanted to get three “good ones” from different parts of it. She seemed pleased with what she got, giving me the sense that they’ll be able to determine what they need to from them. At the end they gave me the choice whether I wanted to see the tissue samples in the container they’ll be sent to the lab in. I opted to and thought they looked like a few little skin colored strings (maybe a centimeter long at most) floating in some kind of solution.

At one point during the biopsy, someone in the room said the mass in my breast looked “decimated.” Later I asked about that and they explained before the biopsy it had a “nice oval shape” and as the tissue samples were being taken they could see holes in the mass on the ultrasound screen and thus described it that way.

The doctor inserted a clip in the mass in my breast, to mark its location/where the biopsy was done. They also did a mammogram after the procedure was complete. Both of those are customary with biopsies, as I understand it, and has been my experience.

They recommend I wear a good supportive bra for the next 24 hours and also gave me this cute heart shaped gel ice pack to use for the first 2 hours after the procedure (alternating 20 minutes on and the biopsy site and 20 minutes off) and then as needed. I put it in the refrigerator, to keep it chilled, when I am not using it. They specifically told me not to store it in the freezer.

Other “Post Breast Biopsy Instructions” include not having to restrict my activities, but they recommend I don’t lift anything over 10 pounds for 24 hours after the procedure. I worked out this morning, before my appointment, and I’ll play tomorrow by ear. I am scheduled to teach a group fitness class, as I do most Thursday mornings, but have a sub ready to go, if I don’t feel up to it, and may skip the class to be extra cautious.

I can take Tylenol for discomfort, which I am experiencing, but no aspirin or any products containing aspirn or nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory products (NSAID), such as Ibuprofen, which was also the case in the 5 days leading up to my biopsy, because they are blood thinners.

They covered the biopsy site with steri-strips and a gauze bandage. I can shower and remove the bandage after 24 hours, but the steri-strips should stay on until they fall off on their own (within 5-7 days). I can trim the edges, when they start to peel off.

One slightly annoying thing, but it isn’t a big deal, is that I am not supposed to swim for 4-5 days. I reminded them we leave for vacation on Friday morning and they said by Sunday I should be okay. So no going in the swimming pool or hot tub at our hotel on the way to Hilton Head Island on Friday evening or going in the pool or ocean when we arrive later in the day on Saturday. However, by our planned beach day on Sunday I should be all good.

We are staying in Gatlinburg, TN on our way down to South Carolina on Friday night and plan to do a hike in the Smoky Mountains. I do like soaking in a hot tub sometimes, but we likely would be too tired after a long day in the car, followed by hiking, and a late dinner to even check out the hotel pool and jacuzzi. It’s just the knowing that I can’t/shouldn’t that is slightly bothersome. But, I get it and will follow the rules. I also figure, if I really wanted to, I could dangle my legs in the pool or hot tub, just not submerge myself.

So that is where things stand. The waiting is truly the hardest part. However, we do have a lot of really awesome things happening in the days to come, with our family vacation, so I think that will help me not perseverate on this too much between now and when I get the results.

Hopefully, we’ll be celebrating “all clear” while in one of my favorite places on earth, with many of my favorite people next week, but if not, we will deal with the news and move forward from there.

I appreciate knowing that it is okay for me to feel both brave and anxious as I navigate this latest breast care scare.

I hope that wherever and whenever this finds you, that you are able to make peace with the emotions you are feeling, even if they seem to conflict.

Thank you again for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and support, as always. I do feel the love and comfort you have been sending my way and that means so much to me.