Dreaming of Mom

I finally had a dream with my mom in it!
It happened right before I woke up this morning — 10 months and 13 days since she died.

In the dream Mom was still alive, but we seemed to know that she was close to dying. I am not sure if she knew that. I recall that Mom was sitting in a wheelchair and we had scheduled a doctor’s appointment for the next day, to see a female doctor, whose name I think started with an S. Her longtime eye doctor, who our family switched to when we moved to Evanston in 2022, has a last name that starts with an S. Each of our family member’s have been for our annual eye check up in recent weeks/months, so she could’ve been fresh in my mind, though I don’t think the appointment had anything to do with Mom’s eyes. I got the sense in my dream that we had been consulting with that doctor about Mom’s care/how she was doing. I think we were concerned. However, in the moment she seemed to be stable.

I remember that Mom looked at me and smiled. She seemed to be affirming that, though she was tired and wanted to rest, she didn’t think she needed the appointment. Especially towards the end of her life, Mom (and I) often felt overwhelmed and exhausted by the number of medical/doctors appointments that she had (which I and other loved ones accompanied her to). So it makes sense she wouldn’t want an appointment if she/we didn’t feel it was absolutely necessary.

Mom looked good in the dream and not quite how she appeared towards the end of her life last year. I think she looked less worn down, but also peaceful and tired. I remember Mom’s smile in the dream and her looking at me/making eye contact. I looked through some old photos that I had saved on my phone this morning and the one above (at the beginning of this post), taken just over 20 years ago on April 21, 2004, captures fairly well how her face looked to me in the dream. Her smile was so beautiful, as she was. Something about her looked different, but I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t think her face had as much of the Parkinson’s progression in it (which is common), as she had before she died. There was also almost an angelic glow to her.

I think that Mom spoke a few words to express that it made sense to her to cancel the appointment. Though she may have also done so with affirmative gestures. Mom and I weren’t alone in the dream, but I don’t recall who else was there. If I had to guess, it was likely family (Bob, Sean, Gail and/or my sister) and/or maybe Mom’s/our good friend Sheila. I vaguely recall a top that Mom was wearing in the dream and noticing that it was light/pastel colored (maybe yellow and/or pink, green and/or blue shades). I found the below photo, taken on July 2, 2005, in which Mom is wearing an outfit similar to what I recall in the dream.

The picture was taken at a cemetery in Waynesburg, on a trip back to Waynesburg and McKeesport, Pennsylvania that summer, for a 4th of July family reunion on Mom’s paternal side of her family. Mom was born in Waynesburg, where her Mom grew up and her dad went to college. Her dad was from McKeesport. Mom, Sean and I are posing for this picture by the grave of her maternal grandmother, June Morrison Hunt, who Mom adored, was very close with and lovingly referred to as “Grammy Hunt.” Grammy Hunt was born on July 22, 1893 and died on September 27, 1968. I am sharing this, as I looked up the other photos we took that day and find it interesting to reflect on. She is buried with her husband, Mom’s maternal grandfather William F. Hunt, whom Mom never got to meet/know, as he died before she was born. My Great Grandpa Hunt was born on November 10, 1884 and on December 28, 1937. They are also buried with their youngest child/only son Sergeant George William Hunt. George was born on September 6, 1923 and died on August 25, 1948. Mom did get to know her Uncle George. They adored each other and sadly he died not long after returning from his service in World War II.

At that time Mom died last July, her primary care physician (PCP), Dr. D, was male. That said, the day before she started dying, I had taken her to annual neurologist appointment with Dr. M, who is female and specializes in patients with Parkinson’s. Also, Mom and Dad’s longtime PCP was Dr. H, who was female. Not that these details matter much and I find it interesting what I am able to recall and how it might be significant in processing my experience.

It’s interesting that in the dreams I’ve had about my dad after he passed, that I/we knew he had died in those encounters. In this one it seemed to be clear that Mom hadn’t died yet and I wasn’t aware in the dream that in real life that she had died (as I was in every dream I’ve had about Dad).

Bob, the kids and I finished watching a TV show last night called School Spirits on Netflix, which Gail found, previewed and recommended for us. It deals a lot with dead people observing the living and one character is able to interact with their best friend in certain circumstances. I wonder if that is part of why I had this dream. Also, being a holiday weekend, we’ve been going to bed and sleeping a bit later, which sometimes seems to correspond with me remembering dreams more so than usual (which is rare these days). I read what I shared about my first dream with Dad since he died, which happened 7 months 11 days after his death and noticed that around that time we were continuing to go through Dad’s belongings and deciding what to do with them. Similarly, this first dream with Mom in it, since she died 10 months 13 days ago, happened in the midst of my getting back to going through her things and determining what to do with them, which I’d put off in recent months for many reasons.

I often think about one of my mom’s last relatively good days before she died, which was July 4th last year and how we spent it. I remember how surprised and glad we were that she wanted to do everything we suggested that day, which included attending the Evanston 4th of July parade, followed by BBQ at our home. Both events included our close family friends, the H family, along with two of their extended family members J and C who were in town visiting from England. We’ve often wondered if Mom had a sense it would be her last July 4th/holiday celebration like that. That was also only three days after we had a special memorial celebration in honor of the second anniversary of Dad’s death with my sister’s family, and the H family (including J and C), which consisted of a memorable cemetery visit, during which we played Beatles songs (Dad’s favorite) and blew bubbles, before going for a meal at Hackey’s on Lake (one of Dad’s favorites restaurants) and where we had receptions/luncheons after both Dad’s and Mom’s funerals/burials, as well as celebrated Mom’s milestone 80th Birthday on September 22, 2022.

I have a vivid memory of when I left Mom on July 4th last year, after wheeling her back from the BBQ at our home to Three Crown Park where she lived. I bent down to Mom’s eye level, as she was still sitting in a wheelchair, and she smiled big. Mom said “thank you for this day” (or something to that effect). Though I am not sure that I thought she was close to her death, in that moment I do recall getting the sense that Mom might have believed that it was her last 4th of July and I’ve certainly wondered about that in retrospect. Did she push herself to do these special/memorable things with loved ones, as she knew on some level that she was not long for this world?

In the dream when Mom looked at me and smiled and communicated about wanting to cancel the doctor appointment, she was looking to her left, where I was either standing (I think) or seated. So it wasn’t the same straight on eye to eye that I had on July 4, 2023. However, I did get to see her beautiful smile.

When my alarm went off this morning, I think I was starting to try to cancel Mom’s doctor appointment and debating whether to do so or to wait a bit longer to see how Mom was feeling. I think I had settled on cancelling, so we wouldn’t get charged if we did so closer to the time (within less than 24 hours). I am not sure if it occurred to me to consult with the doctor or medical staff about whether they thought we should cancel.

I was telling Bob about my dream this morning, before our workout, and relayed that I’d been trying to “welcome” dreams about my mom for a while, but it hadn’t worked. Bob jokingly asked how does one “welcome” someone into their dreams?! I shared that at times before I’ve gone to bed in recent months I have intentionally thought about Mom and *said* to her/the universe, if it is somehow possible, I would love for her to visit me in a dream. Though I don’t recall doing that before bed last night, I am so grateful it happened and I hope that I will get to encounter my dear mother again soon in my dreams!