Up On the Watershed: The View from 45

Today I turned 45.

Since entering my forties in 2015, I’d hoped, as well as worked to try to make it possible, for someone else to be #45 (making her our first female President), when I turned 45.

What has transpired since that didn’t come to pass has been surreal and heartbreaking for me and so many. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more frustrated and angry, than how I have felt in these last 4 years of my life, though there have still been many wonderful personal moments and experiences during that time.

Some of what happened in recent years turned my world, my faith and my perspective upside down.

I’ve done my best to learn from everything and everyone along the way, as well as adjust my behavior and rhetoric accordingly.

As they say, when you know better, do better.

I do believe I am a better person for that openness to taking in new (to me) information, points of view, and being willing/able to evolve.

I don’t think these things had to happen to make our world, our country or me better.

I still don’t buy that everything happens for a reason and haven’t since our baby girl Molly was born and died almost 12 years ago.

However, people are resilient.

I am resilient.

Life is can be hard, really hard.

People get sick.

People die.

Relationships are complicated.

Not everyone we care about will be in our lives for as long as we anticipated.

Boundaries are necessary, especially when it comes to sanity, and I am learning to implement them as needed.

I am working on giving myself grace, as well as not overthinking as much and not being so hard on myself.

I allow myself to feel my feelings and try not to judge them in the moment.

I practice not “being a victim to the rules I live by” and challenge myself regularly to break them, because I can and that’s okay.

I continue to embrace therapy for me and my loved ones.

It’s been almost 3 years since I stopped taking medication for my anxiety, after 3 years on it, and most of the time that still seems to be working for me.

My therapist thinks I am getting restless and we are exploring what that means for me and my future, including what career path I might take when I go back to PT or FT work in the professional world.

Sometime in the last year or so I came across the Indigo Girls song Watershed. I’m not sure how it hadn’t gotten my attention before (since it was released in 1990 on their Nomads, Indians and Saints album), but the timing was perfect and it really resonates with this age and stage of my life.

Watershed by Emily Ann Saliers

Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honey’s
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
‘Cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone’s tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that it’s never too late
But you don’t, you don’t get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
‘Til your agony’s your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And there’s always retrospect (when you’re looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top (start at the top)
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me want to stand still

Stepping on a crack (stepping on a crack)
Breaking up and looking back
‘Til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
‘Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate (twist of fate)

And when you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

The last time I did a reflective blog post in honor of my birthday like this was 5 years ago, which is all the more interesting to me because of Emily’s reference in Watershed to looking back on her life in 5 year increments.

I am struck by the photo I included in my 40th birthday entry, as back then I still dyed my hair and straightened it more often, as well as wore contacts a lot. Not long after that I started entertaining thoughts about what it might be like to go more natural, letting my grey hairs show and styling it curly more.

In recent years our family and I have grown to absolutely love traveling and prioritize doing so as much as possible. We also see a lot of live concerts and theater, which are so much fun and remind me why experiences can be more valuable than things.

That said, I am also allowing myself to not feeling guilty for splurging on things now and then that I want and don’t necessarily need. The biggest example of that being that 2 weeks ago tonight Bob and I bought me my dream car from our local CarMax, an orange 2017 VW Beetle SE! I still can’t believe it and have so much fun driving it! It reminds me of how, soon after I got my license as a teenager, I wanted to drive anywhere, anytime, with anyone, for any reason.

Another thing I love these days is listening to podcasts and audiobooks, they are two of the biggest ways I have been able to open my heart and mind to new perspectives and better understand what it might be like to walk in other peoples’ shoes. Though I do take in some fiction, mostly for a local book club I joined last year, I tend to be drawn to narrative non-fiction, memoirs and self help.

There are many things and people I feel especially grateful for at 45…

The most important is Bob being willing and able to evolve with me. There are still things we don’t see eye to eye on, much of which involves politics, however, we continue to discuss, debate and respect each other through it all. We go to bed mad more than we used to, because we know it’s healthy and things usually appear more clearly after getting some sleep. I’ve been amazed by how our shared vision for the rest of our life together, however long we may be lucky enough to have, has changed in recent years and how we are both excited and on board with that. We used to imagine we stay in our current “forever” home until we were retired and then some. However, these days we are open to moving elsewhere at some point, whether to follow our children in their life adventures and/or to experience other places.

I try not to take Sean and Abby for granted, especially having loved ones who have lost older children to illness and suicide. Our kids are so wonderful and also very challenging to parent, which I appreciate is common, as much as each child/person is unique. It can be difficult for me not to internalize their triumphs and setbacks. I also struggle at times to balance giving them both unconditional and tough love. That said, I learn so much from them and believe I have become a better person through my experience being their mom.

I find that our Molly-girl isn’t the focus she once was for me and our family, which is okay too. Losing a child at age 33 is horrendous. Back then, I couldn’t imagine a time when her death wouldn’t be the most pivotal and heartbreaking experience of my life. Now here I am, 12 years later, still very sad Molly didn’t live longer and also able to allow other people and things to take hold of my heart and mind, which both inspire and break me.

I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that my parents are still alive. I am painfully aware how precious the time I have with them is now, especially since many of my peers have lost one or both of theirs in recent years through illness or unexpected death. My mom and dad called me this morning to sing Happy Birthday, as they always do, which was fun and we chatted a bit, as they were driving up to Wisconsin to spend the day with my birthday buddy/Goddaughter/niece who was also born on March 6th and turned 10 today! I will get to celebrate with them soon and look forward to that.

As for friends, I don’t feel like I have as many close ones at this time in my life, as I used to, and that’s okay. I cherish those who I can pick up with where we left off, no matter how long it’s been. I do relish in the deep connections I feel when I get to spend time with those I care about and try not to beat myself up when I don’t feel like I have the energy to work as hard on maintaining close relationships.

As I began this post talking about where I’d hoped to see our country’s leadership when I turned 45, more recently I allowed myself to dream big and fight hard for another awesome woman, in her campaign to be #46, in the year I will turn 46. However, just yesterday Elizabeth Warren suspended her campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination, which was devastating for me and so many others who believed in her vision and specific plans for America, as we did in 2015-16 with Hillary Clinton.

Nevertheless, we will persist.

I will continue to dream big and fight hard.

As the Indigo Girls sing about in Watershed, I know there will be many more forks in the road, choices to make, as well as agony to survive, in my life and I intend to face my path at my own pace, as I discover what’s worth my while.

Many thanks to all those who have sent birthday wishes my way!

It’s been a great day and I look forward to celebrating more with family and friends this weekend, as well as this next wonderful year in my life.