Remembering Molly (11 years) ~ Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Happy 11th Heavenly Birthday, Molly Marie!

Here we are again… Celebrating you, forever our baby girl, wondering what might’ve been, and making the best of what is.

Today it’s been 11 (my lucky number) years since I held you.

Your death certainly didn’t make me feel very lucky at the time, though I was/am forever grateful for the time we had together, both when I carried you and, briefly, after you were born.

It’s still so bittersweet to imagine who you would be today, if you lived longer.

Meeting you was certainly a turning point for all of us, in terms of how we learned to deal with grief and loss, both our own and supporting those who have followed in our footsteps.

As your sibling’s pediatrician told me, not long after you died, we’ll have to continue to explain what happened to Sean, as well as Abby (after she was born/joined our family), because the older they get their comprehension and perspective will grow and change. That has proved to be true over the years, especially with Abby, as she likes to think about and discuss what you might be like, as well as the things you’d be into, at any given age and stage of life.

Abby often guesses that you two would have similar personalities and interests. She drew this picture on New Year’s Eve of what she/”we” think you would look like now, as a 5th grader. Abby also thinks this ornament, that Grandma and Grandpa Benson gave us awhile back for our Christmas tree, looks somewhat like how she imagines you.

I too continue to process your short life and death, navigating how you fit into our family’s story, as well as what it means to be a bereaved mother, over a decade after you left this world.

I read a really awesome book recently, called It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine, that affirmed my experience with grief and loss. I can’t recommend it enough to those living through both and/or those who care for others who are grieving the death of loved ones. I wish it existed around the time you were born and died, as I know it would have helped me so much then and ever since. But, I also recognize it’s never too late to gain new perspective on our experiences, especially ones as monumental as surviving the death of a child, my daughter, my Molly-girl.

It’s true that the pain of your death has lightened over the years. April is still a bittersweet month and it brings comfort to our family, especially me, when we do things around your birthday/the anniversary of your death that help honor your life and memory.

There are a lot of things we cannot and will never be able to do, as your parents, since you died. One thing that has helped me to cope over the past 11 years, is decorating your grave. Last week on a day when Sean didn’t have school, he and I went to the greenhouse/flower shop across from the cemetery to get a some new decorations for your birthday today. I put them together, with some we already had when we got home.

We went to 8:00 a.m. mass at St. Barnabas, on Saturday morning, in your honor and memory, because we are celebrating your 11th Heavenly Birthday today in Orlando, Florida. Fr. Maghone said mass and gave a thoughtful homily about pilgrimages (he focused on holy lands) and how it is beneficial to appreciate different perspectives in life, including why we go to certain places and do the things we do vs. why others do. It got me thinking about the pilgrimage (of sorts) that our family made this week to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, here in Orlando at the Universal Studios Resort, and why it is meaningful to us, as well as to so many others, who are drawn to the magic of J.K. Rowling’s stories and characters.

After mass we went to the cemetery, to visit and decorate your grave, adding the new things we bought and 11th birthday candles. We lit the candles, which isn’t easy on a windy day, sang to you, and Sean suggested we let you/the wind blow the flames out. On such a windy day, that didn’t take long. We also blew bubbles, our tradition, since we stopped doing a balloon release awhile back. While we were blowing bubbles, it was so windy, we could put our bubble wands out, with soap on them, and the bubbles would just fly out! It was so cool and Abby suggested that maybe it was Molly’s way of blowing bubbles with us!

For the first time, that any of us recall, in 11 years, there was a worm crawling on your headstone, and it stayed/moved around the entire time we were there. We were all fascinated by this and couldn’t help but think it might be some kind of sign from you.

Also, Abby brought one of the pink teddy bears we have/bought at the time you were born and died to church and the cemetery, which I thought was so sweet. It matches the one you are buried with. I am so glad I bought a few more, back then, so we’d always have them, as another special memory connected to you.

Today/your birthday is our last of four days at Universal Orlando and we plan to spend more time at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, being the impetus of our trip.

Your sister and I read all of the books in the Harry Potter series since last Fall and Sean is still a super fan, he even joined the Harry Potter Club at his high school! Somehow we were able to convince Daddy to do this, as opposed to a lower key beach vacation or going somewhere we could do more hiking together, which we enjoyed so much on our family vacation last August in Lake Tahoe.

We realized that Harry was 11 when he found out he was a wizard, which makes it extra special to be celebrating your day/our “Molly Day” this year in such a magical place. Abby thinks you would be in the Hufflepuff house at Hogwarts, as Sean and she are.

Sean was 11 when we first came here, in August 2015, as part of our family vacation to Disney World, which we have many happy memories of. Sometimes I wonder what these trips would be like, if you were alive and we were traveling as a family of five. It works for us to believe you are with us in spirit, during these adventures, and often notice signs, such as butterflies, rainbows and/or finding pennies, that call you to our minds and make us smile, as we think of you.

As I shared in my post, after I finished reading Book 7, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, one of the quotes that stood out the most to me, was what Albus Dumbledore said, after Harry asked him if something they were experiencing together was real or just happening inside his head. Dumbledore replied,

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real.”

I appreciate how what makes something real can be relative.

As you may know, you aren’t the only loved one I care deeply for who left this world too soon. The older I get, the more I seem to have to face that, as others who touched my heart and made a difference in my life have died. I see signs often that make me think of you all and hope, if it is possible, that they are coming from you and them. I also like the idea that even though many of you didn’t know each other in this lifetime, that my connections to each of you might also somehow have connected all of you in the afterlife.

Molly-girl, we will toast you with our Butterbeer today and do special spells for you with our wands in Diagon Alley and/or at Hogsmeade, as your sweet sister suggested. If only we could use the summoning charm, “Accio, Molly!” to bring you back to us… Before we left Chicago, we also got a toy version of Hermione’s wand, that we placed at your grave on Saturday, which we think is fitting.

We hope that your Heavenmates, whether wizards/witches and/or muggles/no-majs, are helping you to celebrate this milestone!

Happy Birthday, Molly Marie!

Love,
Mommy