It’s Not Your Fault

Repeat after me,

“It’s not my fault.”

But, I get it.

When someone we care about dies by suicide, it’s natural to wonder.

Every time I’ve lost a loved one to suicide, including this week, I find myself going there.

What if I’d called or texted them that day (or closer to when it happened) to check in?

Maybe then….

It’s not your fault.

There’s a powerful scene in one of my favorite movies, “Good Will Hunting,” when Robin Willams’s character tells Matt Damon’s character, “It’s not your fault.”

He repeats it over and over again until Damon’s character really grasps the message.

It’s not your fault.

He was referring to the abuse that Damon’s character experienced when he was younger.

It is human nature to feel responsible for many things that happen in our lives.

That doesn’t mean we are actually responsible for everything that happens.

It’s not your fault.

There’s a fine line between what we can control and what is out of our hands.

That especially applies to other people.

We can love others, care for them, and worry about their well-being.

But, it is not healthy to believe that we can control or be responsible for other people, especially when it comes to mental health and those who die by suicide.

It’s not your fault.

Social media can also make this more difficult.

When we are connected with others via social media, that link can feel (and truly be) real. That said, it doesn’t mean we can keep up with and track of everyone.

People will slip through the cracks.

It’s not our fault when that happens.

We can’t possibly reach out to all of our contacts on a regular basis, unless we choose to limit them to a very small number.

And even then, people could and would still elude our grasp.

It’s not your fault.

So how do we cope when someone was struggling, sick (mentally and/or physically) and died and we never knew?

How do we make peace with a friend or family member dying, especially when it was by suicide?

How do we balance the joy of seeing our connections celebrating births, marriages, and other special milestones with so much pain, loss and death?

It isn’t easy.

It can be tempting to numb, instead of feel, our feelings.

It’s not your fault.

Suicide is preventable.

That doesn’t mean we could’ve prevented our loved one’s death by suicide, if only…

It’s not your fault.

Some people who die by suicide do so impulsively.

It’s not your fault.

Some people who die by suicide are determined and may even plan it out.

It’s not your fault.

In many cases our loved ones who died by suicide knew how much we cared.

It’s not your fault.

In many cases their mental illness(es) became too much for them.

It’s not your fault.

We may never know why.

It’s not your fault.

As a fellow bereaved mother and very wise woman once told me, “Sometimes, we have to learn to sit with the questions.”

It’s not your fault.

It can also help to talk with others who understand what it feels like grieve the death of someone they love who died by suicide.

It’s not your fault.

We make the best decisions we can, with the information we have at the time.

It’s not your fault.

Take care of yourself.

It’s not your fault.

Life is difficult.

It’s not your fault.

Some of our loved ones will die, for many reasons, throughout our lives and especially as we get older.

It’s not your fault.

Be kind to yourself.

It’s not your fault.

You are still here.

It’s not your fault.

You can and you will get through this.

It’s not your fault.

You can try to be the things you loved most about those who have died.

It’s not your fault.

You can keep going.

It’s not your fault.

One day, one hour, one step at a time.

It’s not your fault.