How are you feeling?
What are your plans for tomorrow?
Welcome to the fifteenth edition of my “Gatekeeping” blog series. I shared the back story of these simple and yet powerful questions in this post.
It’s been about 5 months since we last did some Gatekeeping here.
Yesterday I learned that an old/hometown friend lost her battle with depression. We weren’t super close, but had seasons of our adult life when we connected more often over shared experiences, including grief (being fellow bereaved mothers). We hadn’t been in touch in almost 4 years, outside of seeing (and maybe at times commenting on) each others’ Facebook posts, which can add a layer to sadness, when reflecting on missed opportunities with those we care about.
When I heard the news, for some reason, I dealt with it very matter-of-factly. I certainly felt sad for her family and dear friends, found comfort in reading through our past conversations via private Facebook message, hoped and prayed that she finds peace in the afterlife that eluded her at times here, and then tried to move on with my day. It worked for me, until I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep…
That is when reality started to set in.
Having been down this road before, I’ve learned to try not to dwell on what I could’ve done to “save” a friend who died by suicide. I tried not to get hung up on us having lost touch in recent years. Time and life get away from us and we can’t possibly keep track of and check in with everyone we’ve ever had relationships with and cared about, though social media sometimes gives us the illusion that is doable.
In these moments, I allow myself to feel my feelings, my grief, my sadness and my gratefulness for having crossed paths with the person who died. That is where I was last night and continue to be today.
Knowing, sadly, both how common depression is and that suicide is preventable, I choose not to focus on how things might’ve played out differently with my hometown friend, if anyone could’ve interacted with her before it was too late. It is what is.
That said, I know that she was not alone in her struggles and how many people out there are suffering, who don’t seek help or do seek help and then still end up in a place where things become too much for them to bear.
So I decided to share a Gatekeeping post here, in case it might help someone who is having a rough day today find hope, as well strength and courage to keep going.
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Over the past seven years, I have lost loved ones to suicide. I realize that there is likely nothing I could have done to change the outcome of their lives, but it is something that I struggle with as I continue to work through my grief and try to make peace with these people taking their own lives.
I know that many of us suffer in silence when we are going through difficult and uncertain times in our lives. It doesn’t have to be that way.
I am not asking you to tell me your secrets or your problems, unless you want to of course. But I invite you to check in here periodically (you can also email me or send a Facebook message) and let me know how you are feeling and what plans you may have for tomorrow.
Here’s an excerpt from the post I referenced above called Gatekeepers:
My favorite line in Meg (Hutchinson’s) song (called Gatekeepers) is, “maybe every day, in ordinary ways, we hold each other on, we keep each other here.”
I think that is so profound and it certainly rings true for me.
There have been countless people throughout my life that have been “Gatekeepers” to me. Though I have never seriously considered taking my own life and strongly believe that I will never do so, I have survived some very rough patches where my self-esteem and self-worth were severely challenged.
I love the idea that in “ordinary ways” we can make extraordinary differences in the journeys of loved ones and even strangers that we meet throughout the course of our day-to-day lives.
Kevin “the Gatekeeper” Briggs has done so by asking those two simple questions of strangers he has met contemplating jumping (off the Golden Gate Bridge), Meg Hutchinson has done so through her music and song, Bob Edwards has done so with the stories he shares on his radio show and you all have done so for me over the years through your comments here, your caring ways, your love and your support as my readers, fellow bloggers, friends and family members.
Thank you so very much.
I post “Gatekeeping” blog entries now and then and hope that they present the opportunity for anyone who reads them who is having a hard time coping with challenges they are facing in life to share. That said, you are certainly welcome to comment about the things you are feeling good about too. I believe that being able to recognize and name the things we are grateful for is essential to help us find peace and joy in our lives. That is part of why I loved participating in Lori’s Perfect Moment Mondays.
Sometimes it’s the little things than can help keep us a float when we feel like we are drowning. Just knowing that others care and want to know how we are feeling, as well as being able to think about what we might do tomorrow has the power to help us get through tough times.
Thank you for reading. I hope that however you are doing today that you know there are people in your life (I am one of them) who care about how you are feeling and want to know what your plans, hopes and dreams are for tomorrow and the days to come.
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I will start us off by answering the questions myself:
I am feeling…
Sad — As I shared about at the beginning of this post, I am grieving the death of an old/hometown friend, who lost her battle with depression over the weekend. I’ve learned over the years that learning about someone’s death can also trigger feelings and emotions associated with other losses we’ve experienced, which often rings true for me. So I am feeling my feelings and giving myself grace as I process my friend’s death. I hope/pray that she finds peace in the afterlife that eluded her, at times, here.
Inspired — I recently saw a quote about trying to be the things we loved about a person who has died. I really like that idea and have started using it as a way to honor the lives and memories of those I care about who have died. Today I am thinking about that, as it relates to my hometown friend and will remember her, as I try to live out some of the qualities/personality traits that made her so special.
Tired — When I am grieving I tend to have more difficulty falling asleep and sleeping soundly. It was also a 3-day/holiday weekend, so being the Tuesday (that feels like a Monday) following that, has my family and I a bit out of our weekday routine, which includes our sleep schedules.
Nostalgic — When I am processing the death of someone I knew for a while and cared about, I reflect on my memories of and experiences with that person, which brings me feelings of nostalgia. Also, I am not sure that I have shared here on my blog yet (and likely will sometime soon), but my parents are selling their house/my childhood home of 40 years, which feels very bittersweet. I am excited for them to be moving to a wonderful retirement community in Evanston and my family and I are feeling very nostalgic, as we prepare to say goodbye to the place that holds so many wonderful memories.
Proud — Bob and I are on Week 6, Day 2 of an awesome new 6-week step aerobics program, with our favorite trainer. We’ve been streaming the workouts at home, 6 mornings a week. I am proud of us for sticking with this program and being in the home stretch! I am also proud of myself for being more intentional with nutrition/portion control/eating healthier at meals and snack time. I am also very proud of Sean and Abby, as they prepare for big roles in upcoming musicals at our local arts center. Sean is staring as Troy Bolton in High School Musical Jr. and Abby as Piglet in Winnie the Pooh Kids!
My plans for tomorrow/the days to come…
Ironically, I am having lunch today with one of my oldest and dearest hometown friends. I always appreciate the times we spend together, however as I am processing yesterday’s news (about another hometown friend’s death), I know it will be that much more meaningful.
It’s a busy week for my family and me, including my attending a re-certification class for CPR tomorrow morning, which I need to do every two years as a group fitness instructor. On Thursday, we have our annual 504 Plan meeting for Sean, the first one we’ve done since he started high school. I have therapy on Friday, which will be good for me.
This weekend, I am really looking forward to relaxing at home while watching the red carpet coverage and the Oscars on Sunday. On Saturday, Bob, the kids, my parents, my sister and I are going to see the incredible musical, Dear Evan Hansen, here in Chicago. Sean and I saw the show in August 2017, with most of the original broadway cast and can’t wait to see it again/introduce more of our family! It couldn’t be more timely, as I process the death of my hometown friend, since one of the major themes is dealing with suicide, grief and loss.
I will leave you with one of my favorite songs from Dear Evan Hansen, called Disappear. I wholeheartedly believe that “no one deserves to be forgotten” and know that I will never forget my hometown friend, who left this world too soon.
Rest in Peace, my friend.
Here are the lyrics to Disappear by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul
CONNOR:
Guys like you and me
We’re just the losers
Who keep waiting to be seen, right?
I mean no one seems to care
Or stops to notice that we’re there
So we get lost in the in betweenBut if you can somehow keep them thinking of me
And make me more than an abandoned memory
Well that means we matter too
It means someone will see that you are thereNo one deserves to be forgotten
No one deserves to fade away
No one should come and go
And have no one know he was ever even here
No one deserves to disappear
To disappear
DisappearIt’s true
But even if you’ve always been that
Barely in the background kind of guyCONNOR/EVAN:
You still matterCONNOR:
And even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling
that the world’s past you byEVAN:
You still matterCONNOR:
If you never get around to doing some remarkable thingCONNOR/EVAN:
That doesn’t mean that you’re not worth rememberingCONNOR:
Think of the people who need to knowEVAN:
They need to knowCONNOR:
So you need to show themEVAN:
I need to show themCONNOR/EVAN:
That no one deserves to be forgottenEVAN:
No one deserves to be forgottenEVAN/CONNOR:
No one deserves to fade away, to fade awayEVAN & CONNOR:
No one should flicker out
Or have any doubt that it matters that they are hereEVAN:
No one deservesCONNOR:
No one deservesEVAN & CONNOR:
To disappear, to disappear, disappearCONNOR:
When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around
All you want is for somebody to find you
When you’re falling in a forest
And when you hit the ground
All you need is for somebody to find youEVAN:
Cuz’ no one deserves to be forgottenEVAN, ALANA & JARED:
No one deserves to fade awayCYNTHIA:
No one deserves to be forgottenEVAN:
No one deserves to fade awayCYNTHIA/ALANA:
No one deserves to disappearEVAN/JARED:
No one deserves to disappearEVAN, ALANA, JARED & CYNTHIA:
No one should flicker out or have any doubt
That it matters that they are hereNo one deserves to disappear
To disappear
Disappear
No one deserves to disappear
Disappear
DisappearALL:
To disappear, disappear
To disappear, disappear
To disappear, disappear
To disappear, disappear
Disappear
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