My London Semester Journal I: Sunday, January 14, 1996

Sunday, 1-14-96
12:53 AM London
6:53 PM E-Town/Chambana (1-13-96)

2 Weeks! I have been here for that long… or short… Okay, I had a bit too much (Merlot) red wine just now… I thought it would help me wind down before bed… Mission accomplished, maybe even a bit more than I had in mind!

Today was another long day! I guess every day here is that way. Lori & I slept until about 11:35 AM when Molly (our GR = Graduate Resident) came a knocking on our door! She brought two FREE tickets to a play! Still more study abroaders haven’t made it here due to the east coast blizzards & the U.S. government budget crisis preventing passports being issued… Once again… Their loss is our gain. That is 3 free theatre visits in 14 days now!

So Lori & my planned activities — to study & relax for the day became a shopping trip to Piccadilly & Oxford Circuses followed by a 3 hr. long, but wonderful, rendition of Oscar Wilde’s “An Ideal Husband!” What an ironic play title considering the events of the past few days…

I bought a great pair of funky black shoes at “Sacha’s of London!” They have a chunky heel, but aren’t the average penny loafer look… They are kinda my own little style twist! They will ultimately be a b-day gift from Judy! ☺︎

Lori & I also both got scarves for £6 each from a street vendor! We feel so cool now w/ our scarves sporting the Brit look! ☺︎

Okay, after the played we shopped s’more & Lori bought a white fake fur coat! Yow! We walked into this one store & got separated, an hour later the store was closing & when I found her, I almost didn’t recognize her in the fur coat! ☺︎

Dinner was a great bonding experience… I am really starting to care for & feel a connection to many of my housemates! ☺︎ Especially Lori, Adam, Paul, Melissa, Erin, Erica & Nick. We all decided after our usual long meal to go to a pub for a bit. I chose not to drink then, due to menstrual pain & sleep deprivation — and lack of funds — I decided I’d rather just chill there w/ my buddies. We went to “Churchill Arms” pub! It had a great atmosphere & I sat in a corner by a little fire place & chatted w/ Melissa most of the time! Then 1/2 our house rendezvoused back here at Pembridge in the TV room for our own little laid back party!

Oh, Lori called Andrew earlier today & he was not there. Then I called Nathan from a BT phone booth at Piccadilly Circus & he seemed really happy to hear from us, me, whatever. Then Lori called Andrew later & made plans for us w/ them for tomorrow! 4 PM at the “Chalk Farm” tube stop…

Later ☺︎

Sunday, 1-14-96
11:20 PM London
5:20 PM E-Town

I don’t feel like writing in here. I have had enough analyzing & am confused as to what is what… I know why I am here, but I don’t know where I am going or what that means… and in the words of Stuart Smiley & someone who really needs sleep, “that’s okay!”

— ☺︎

The next part isn’t dated, but I think I might’ve written it later that night (Sunday, 1-14-96), even after I said I didn’t feel like writing or maybe the next day, though in my next dated entry (on Tuesday, 1-16-96) I say, “Didn’t get to writing in here yesterday…” And that would’ve been Monday, 1-15-96. Anyway, here’s what I shared:

There is no specific way my life “should” go or be…

GOALS:

1. MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS
   – What I do with my life I choose not to come from constant polls of those around me as to what I “should” do
   – There is nothing wrong with asking for advice, but I choose not to depend on other to decide for me
2. By making my own choices I want to also ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
   – When things turn out well, great!
   – When they don’t, I can learn from them as opposed to trying to blame someone or something
3. Care about others (roommates, friends, etc.), be there for them, but not necessarily above my own well being…
   – Be easy on my expectations
   – When meeting Princes (such as Nathan…), even the charmers, remember my life is not a fairy tale — there are morals to my story and ultimately I trust God to guide me to a “happy ending” but what happens until then… Que Sera, Sera!

I have almost an obsession w/ certain types of form & organization! This isn’t always necessary to enjoy life. It keeps me from ultimately “relaxing” which I feel I need to do!

As Melissa told me through relating a Robert Fulgham story… “Where do the mermaids stand? Beside the…” When playing games or at life for that matter… You don’t have to be only what options have always seemed the only ones, it’s alright to want & even insist on being a “mermaid” & ultimately others, at least those who need to, will understand and accept.

But, once certain realizations are made, they are important… They mean something, but THEY DO NOT HAVE TO MEAN EVERYTHING!

Those around me are more like me then I usually realize, what a comfort when I am reminded of that! ~ Like me in the sense that I am not alone in my feelings, they have similar ones too!

– Nick, Erin, & Melissa all feel naive here

– Ruth says we all dream of prince charming

– Erica now recognizes how attached she was to home

★ As for learning:

– Erica commented on thinking we can just jump into Brits lives for a short time & play with them for awhile being somewhat unrealistic…

– Adam believes he will never “grow up”

– Lori follows “no one!” or so she tries

★ I would like to read s’more Oscar Wilde, not that I know of any that I have read to date…

Always living, learning, loving, losing…

All ears, some tears…

I will grow more again & again…

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Note from Present Day Kathy: We/I sure packed a lot in to that first two weeks of our/my time in the UK! I love getting to recall that we saw so many plays early on, as to this day going to see live theater is something I enjoy and prioritize. Our family has tickets to the Broadway Series at the Paramount Theatre in Aurora, IL, which does 4 awesome productions a year. Bob and I also have a subscription to Steppenwolf Theatre in Chicago, with another couple, and get to see 5-7 plays there annually.

I still have the shoes that I bought that day, as I’ve never been able to part with them. The picture of them above is recent, not from 1996. They do look super cool, but are not comfortable to wear and weren’t really even back then.

I am thinking of making a list of the pubs we went to that semester in London, as it seems that some, like the “Churchill Arms,” we hung out at more than others and when my family and I travel to the UK in the future (we are tentatively planning a trip in the summer of 2020), I may want to try to go to one or more of those we went to in 1996. Though, as Bob pointed out when I shared this idea recently, they may not exist anymore. Maybe I’ll Google them, one of these days, and see what I can find out?

It’s also nice to see how some of my stronger friendships there were starting to form, including the helpful advice and affirming things that my housemates shared when I was struggling to make sense of some of my early experiences abroad.

One of the most frustrating things for me, about these journals and others that I have written in and kept over the years, is what I chose to leave out, for whatever reason(s). I don’t recall much about what happened with (not their real names) Nathan and Andrew, the guys we met clubbing that Friday night and then hung out with on Sunday. I am pretty sure we never saw them again and I’m not clear on why. Of course 22 years later it doesn’t really matter. It seems from my writing I might’ve even felt embarrassed that I was so giddy about Nathan and then maybe he didn’t end up returning my feelings?

I do comment later, I think in another entry (I read ahead sometimes, after I transcribe one or more here for my blog), about they guys being cool and also somewhat clueless. So maybe after our initial infatuation wore off we didn’t find them as interesting or impressive either? My roommate was engaged at the time too, so I get why she might’ve been less interested in hanging out with them as much.

I appreciate that though I didn’t share the details of why things didn’t work out with those guys, I did write about how I was processing my feelings. There’s still a lot of wisdom in some of the *goals* I came up with back then and I continue to work on them today.

One of the most fascinating things for me about revisiting these old journal entries from age 20-21 is how much I’ve changed in some ways and in other ways not so much. It a window into who I was before marriage and children and seeing that version of me can feel exciting, cringe-worthy, and also bittersweet at times.

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Reminder: Unless I’ve been given permission to use people’s actual names, in most cases I’ve removed or replaced the names of the real people who were part of my journey/experience there, in effort to protect and respect their identities/privacy in my London Semester Journal entries. I will also not share details that I think and feel are too personal for anyone I interacted with, my loved ones, and me.

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Here’s the back story of My London Semester Journals from 1996, including what prompted me to revisit and decide to share them here in 2018. And here’s a list a list of the entries, which I will update as I share them.