Me Too, Echo Chambers & Expectations

I was angry, really angry.

And sad.

It had been a long and exhausting day.

As a WAHM/SAHM, I was able to watch much of the coverage on TV, and thus had been engrossed with what was happening all day.

It was triggering for me, as it was for so many women.

Me too.

I’d never shared with him an experience I’d had back in middle school, the summer between 7th and 8th grade.

I’d never shared it with most people in my life, except for maybe a friend who was with me that night and possibly a few other close friends that summer.

I am sure that was in part because, like so many, I was embarrassed and felt ashamed that I got myself into a situation where a boy could take advantage of me.

I hadn’t thought about it myself in a really long time.

And though at the time I knew what happened wasn’t okay with me, it also wasn’t anywhere near as bad as what happened to Dr. Ford.

We were “going together.”

I did like him, a lot.

I thought he was so cute.

And he really liked me too.

At least I thought he did.

But as we were sitting on playground equipment at the park that night, kissing, after riding our bikes there from the local pool, when it closed, as we so often did that summer, I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

He put his hand down my pants and felt around.

He didn’t ask if I minded and I didn’t know what to do.

It didn’t last long and neither did our relationship, after that.

Later he bragged to his friends about “fingering” me.

He didn’t do that.

I knew that much.

But he did touch me in ways and places on my body that I didn’t give him permission to.

I’m not sure that I knew what consent was back then, at least for anything other than having sex/being raped.

And that wasn’t what this was.

These were some of the things swirling around in my head when Bob got home from work after a long and tiring day.

I’d been following social media, while watching the coverage on TV.

I saw the way people were talking about how men should be really kind to and empathetic with the women in their life, as they might not realize just how many of us have experienced some level of sexual assault in our lives and how those memories rush back while we take all of this in.

That made sense to me.

So when he walked in the door and asked how my day was, I was surprised that it wasn’t on his radar.

He knew what had been going on, but didn’t understand how watching it could be so painful for so many, especially women, including me.

Rather than patiently trying to explain why I was upset, I somehow expected him to figure it out.

At some point in the night I did tell him about my experience, which he is pretty sure I never shared before.

He was surprised.

I told him that a lot of women he knows likely also had at least one such experience in their lives and how common it is not to tell most people in their lives, if anyone, about it.

Part of my point in telling him was also to illustrate how traumatic experiences, like that, do really get seared into your brain.

Similar to Dr. Ford, and so many others, I have vivid memories of that night.

I can picture the playground equipment that we had climbed up on and some, though not all of, what transpired that summer of 1988.

Back to the present, most of Thursday night Bob and I spent apart, watching TV in separate rooms.

I didn’t have it in me to discuss it all and apparently he didn’t want to go there, knowing how upset I was.

He sees so much of this as, “just politics.”

And in some ways I get that.

But to me, and so many, it is about so much more…

Women’s Rights

Human Dignity

Respect

Compassion

Empathy

Truth

We finally were able to sit down and really discuss everything last night.

It wasn’t easy, for either for us.

Being on opposite ends of the political spectrum on many issues, we’ve had many intense discussions over the 22 years we’ve been together.

And the past two years, since Trump got elected, even though Bob is not a fan, have been among the hardest for us to navigate, as I have struggled to process and deal with everything that has happened since November 8, 2016.

We both tried to stay calm and share our perspectives, as we always do.

I explained in more detail what watching Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee felt like for me.

I shared how impressed I was with Dr. Ford and how horrified I was by Judge Kavanaugh.

I talked about the hypocrisy I saw, in how differently they were treated by the 11 white male republican senators, as well as how they seemed to be perceived.

And I relayed how conversely, Dr. Ford had been so respectful of everyone involved, calmly answering every question she was asked, as opposed to Judge Kavanaugh, who got really worked up, yelling, interrupting people, and dodging many of the questions he was asked.

As Bob has told me before, he is so busy at work that he doesn’t have time to keep track of or up with news like this. And when he does have free moments, especially on the train ride home, he often feels the need to decompress. So his first instinct is not to necessarily try to catch up on the big news of the day.

We talked for hours, as we do.

It was hard and we made progress, as we tend to, the more we are able to help each other see our perspectives on situations like this.

I shared how on social media I saw other men showing the women in their lives how much they cared, professing their support during such a difficult day in American history, for many of us.

I was jealous.

I wanted my man to be able to appreciate why I was struggling.

I didn’t think that was too much to ask.

In our discussion last night, I was able to take a step back and realize how spending a good amount of my time that day in an echo chamber, with those who share my point of view, though I do make a point to seek out other POV often, made it harder for me to understand why Bob didn’t get it. And, in some ways, that gave me permission to feel more pain and anger when he didn’t react how I expected or hoped he would.

I’ve been taught by my friends of color that it is not marginalized people’s job to have to constantly educate those with privilege about their plight.

It is exhausting.

And I pride myself on trying to help take some of that burden off of my black and brown friends, as I know that sharing what I’ve learned with other white people can help build bridges of understanding.

So on this day, I was craving something from Bob that he was not prepared to give me.

I wanted him to step into my shoes and do some work, as opposed to expecting me to explain everything.

I wanted him to want to understand where I was coming from, without me having to so painstakingly break it down.

We talked about how I try to learn as much as I can, through listening to podcasts and books on Audible, to educate myself vs. expecting others in my life to explain everything to me.

I asked him to consider doing more of that, especially in times like these.

This is complicated.

I am not sure I fully grasped what we were signing up for, in our mid-20s, even after dating for 4 years, when we married 18 years ago, with such different world views about a lot of things.

That said, we’ve managed to navigate our marriage, in spite of the many heated discussions and disagreements we’ve had over the years, especially related to politics and current events.

Of course we have had so many wonderful experiences together, not to mention two amazing living children and one who left this world too soon.

And I do believe we are both better people for being married to each other.

One of my favorite scenes in Good Will Hunting is when Robin Williams’s character says that your soul mate is “someone who challenges you.”

That has rung true for Bob and me.

On this day after another late night discussion, I feel better knowing we were able to talk it through.

I do believe Bob has a better understanding now of how the events of this week have affected me, and so many others.

And I will try to have more realistic expectations of Bob, especially when it comes to things that those in my echo chamber have an easier time processing and responding to.

We also remembered last night, that in any relationship, especially a marriage, we can’t, nor should we expect, to be all things to each other.

So on difficult days, it isn’t healthy for me to expect to get all of my support from Bob or vice versa.

It’s okay for me to turn to my echo chamber to connect with those who share my worldview more closely, especially when I am feeling vulnerable.

And then when I am feeling strong I can return to trying to do my part to help make the world, and my corner of it, a better place by being the change.

I know I have to step out of my echo chamber to help make a difference and that starts at home, with my husband, through being patient and having these conversations that lead us both to better understanding where each of us is coming from.

And we move forward, together, from here.