For the longest time I didn’t understand what people meant, when they said that God would speak to them. I thought they literally heard a voice saying what direction to take in life, when they were struggling with an important decision or situation.
In the spring of 1996 (my junior year of college), while traveling Europe with a friend, after our semester abroad in London, we spent a few days staying at a cenacle (where nun’s live) in Rome. My friend had a family connection to a woman who lived there, which gave us a great way to see the eternal city, while saving some money.
We ate many of our meals with the nuns there and one night, as we helped to clean up after dinner, I was chatting with a nun who I’d formed a bond with. I was sharing with her about my frustrations when it came to hearing the voice of God in my life. As we talked, I relayed a story from my friend and my experience at the Pope’s Wednesday Audience in St. Peter’s Square that week. When the Pope began his remarks, first in Italian and then translated into many other languages, a bird flew near the dome at the top of St. Peter’s Basilica and started circling around it. When the Pope finished speaking, it flew away.
Yeah.
Pretty cool.
Especially for those who believe that the Pope channels God/the Holy Spirit on some level when he speaks.
After listening to my story, the nun replied, “You were listening.”
Wow.
Finally, I got it.
God (and/or the Universe) doesn’t always speak to us directly.
They don’t necessarily use words.
But if we are listening, if we are looking for signs and answers to our questions, sometimes we get them in more or less obvious ways.
From that moment forward, I started looking and listening for signs like that in my life.
And I started seeing them often and everywhere.
Music, movies and television shows were huge for me, seemingly giving me messages at just the right time, when I needed them most.
After losing our Molly-girl and other loved ones, hearing meaningful songs, seeing butterflies, as well as rainbows and finding pennies became common occurrences, especially on significant days (such as anniversaries) or during difficult times, which gave me comfort and hope.
Just as writing begets writing, listening begets listening.
And looking for signs begets noticing them.
I’ve gotten more bold in recent years asking God/the Universe and loved ones who have gone before me for signs.
It works for me to believe it is possible, for us to communicate that way.
And though many prayers and petitions in my life have not been answered, at least not in the way I wanted or hoped for, I continue to be amazed by the times when I do receive signs and answers when I most crave them.
Almost four years ago, a few months after a dear childhood friend died, Bob and I attended a Garth Brooks concert. I was hoping/looking for a sign that night and found one, as I shared about here. It gave me some peace and comfort to believe my friend was letting me know that she is still with me (in spirit).
Similarly, in recent weeks I have been grieving the death of another old friend. And once again, this past Saturday, I was headed to a concert, Pearl Jam at Wrigley Field, where I challenged God/the Universe/my friend to send me a sign.
I was hoping to hear a song, that prior to that night Pearl Jam had performed live 108 times (there’s an app for that), compared to some of their more popular tunes, which they’ve played between 400-800 times.
The song is Just Breathe, which I have written about here in the past.
I kept telling myself all day that it would be okay if they didn’t play it.
I didn’t want to be too disappointed and understood the odds, as much as they exist when it comes to a band like Pearl Jam, who is known for unique set lists and keeping their fans guessing as to what’s up next.
On Saturday night, their third song up was my favorite, Elderly Woman Behind a Counter in a Small Town, which I was really happy to hear. They’d opened with it, much to my surprise, at my first ever Pearl Jam show, back in October 2014, which was awesome!
I tried to live in the moment, enjoying each song that followed, not knowing what to expect, like waiting to see what will come up next on a jukebox.
At my first concert, in Moline, Illinois, Pearl Jam decided to play all of the songs from one of their albums, No Code, in order, so there was less to wonder about, not that I recognized what they were doing, until my super fan sister pointed that out.
So on Saturday, one of my good friends from college kept telling me, “You’re gonna get to experience a REAL Pearl Jam show tonight!”
And I was excited for that!
We had a group text going throughout the evening/show, which was fun, since I was sitting (more like standing and dancing) with my sister, and some of my college friends and their husbands/friends were scattered throughout the ballpark.
It was cool to communicate that way in between songs, knowing who was hoping to hear which ones.
Every time lead singer Eddie Vedder would do something that indicated the next song might be a slower jam, I would start recording with my phone, as if they did play what I wanted to hear, I intended to capture it.
Throughout the night Eddie referenced the 2013 Pearl Jam concert at Wrigley, when there was a delay for rain/lightening (which ended up happening again this year at the second show on Monday).
At one point Eddie was talking about Hall of Famers he knows, including one of his favorite people, his friend Laura, who is an activist and in the Chicago LGBT Hall of Fame, as well as recounting the lightning delay ordeal five years ago.
He shared how, in some ways, he wanted forget what happened, but then recalls incredible things that took place and connections that were made that night.
During Pearl Jam’s inclement weather break, Laura met and hung out with her future wife, Brooke.
That was Eddie’s lead in.
I was recording.
Next he said, “Here’s to all the good stories out there!”
And then I heard the opening chords on his guitar…
It was happening.
Just Breathe.
It was amazing.
Earlier in the night Pearl Jam also covered “I Won’t Back Down” in Tom Petty’s honor and memory. Eddie played a guitar for the first time on stage, that Tom had given him. And when he introduced the song, Eddie spoke about how he believes those who have gone before us live on, especially at hallowed places like Wrigley, and we can visit them/they us there. Then he asked us to do him a favor and light up our phones (as we used to do back in the day with lighters), as they played.
I loved finding out that it also works for Eddie to believe we can connect with loved ones who left this world too soon that way.
With two Pearl Jam concerts under my belt, I am starting to appreciate more why my sister and others love this band and attending their shows so much.
Will there be times in the future, as there have been in the past, when I want so much to see or hear signs and don’t find them?
Of course.
Does that mean I shouldn’t still look and listen for them?
I don’t think so.
And what happens when we don’t get the answer(s) or sign(s) we are hoping for?
A wise friend shared with me awhile back that, sometimes we have to learn to sit with the questions.
Today I am still feeling sad, missing my old friend.
I am feeling grateful for the memories we shared.
I will continue listen and look for signs from him and others dear to me who left this world too soon.
While at the same time, I will do my best to not let myself linger too long in the past, as not to miss what is happening with my loved ones, especially my husband, children and parents, who are still with me.
It’s a balancing act, as with so many things in life, remembering, allowing ourselves to process loss, and appreciating all that we have in the here and now.
Are you listening?
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