Anticipatory Grief

I was sitting across the table from her, in their kitchen.

I asked how she was doing.

She said, “really busy.”

I said, “I know what you mean.”

She replied, “I’m not sure that you do…”

And then she told me.

He got an amazing new job offer, the opportunity of a lifetime.

High risk and high reward…

But there’s a catch, it’s not in Chicago, not even Illinois.

Just outside of Detroit, Michigan. Not far from where she grew up.

I was stunned.

Even though I understood it wasn’t a given they would live here forever.

They don’t have any blood relatives here, though I feel like we’ve become family over the past 7 years or so, especially the last 4.

I cried a lot that afternoon and evening.

And then I didn’t.

I tried to block it out, not really allow myself to think about the reality that our good friends were going to move.

That was three months ago and in many ways I was in denial.

Then yesterday arrived and I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I had to acknowledge that on Saturday they will drive away.

Of course we’ll keep in touch and they’ll be back to visit.

We will visit them too.

But it won’t be the same.

Life will never be the same.

These aren’t the kinds of things we are prepared for as adults…

Having to say goodbye to good friends

And when your children are close to their children, it makes it even harder.

So I have been doing a lot of wallowing these past few days….

And the tears are back, with a vengeance.

I get that it is healthy to let it out, but it is so draining.

My wise cousin, who is 10 years my senior and lives in California, told me that this is called “anticipatory grief.”

She said, “I saw it a lot in the families I worked with during the seven years I volunteered with hospice.”

Well, that certainly makes sense.

When I think about it that way, in relation to death versus people moving away, I guess I have been down this road before…

With my grandparents, our Molly-girl, and I am sure there have been others.

But I can’t recall the last time someone I really cared about moved away.

And it’s different then milestones in life that you go through as part of a bigger group, such as high school or college graduation, or when you get married.

Or maybe it’s not…

It is what it is.

We are always moving through relationships and transitions.

There are close friends that I have grown apart from over the years.

Neither of us necessarily moved anywhere different physically, but emotionally our connection changed.

Maybe we were now in different stages of our lives and/or our own personalities and interests had evolved.

It happens.

So I’ve been trying to process my thoughts and feelings, which led me here.

Writing helps me to cope.

And I choose to often share what I write because I know that I am not alone.

I am not the first and I won’t be the last person to feel this way.

I have also been listening to the Indigo Girl Radio channel on Pandora today (going on at least a few hours now), which is perfect for times like this. Truly, it’s like God or someone is deejaying to me.

And now I need to return to my regularly scheduled life.

Because when you are an adult, you can only wallow for so long…

Then you have to pick up your daughter from a playdate (even though one of your newer friends/her friend’s mom is being really cool about letting her stay longer than you planned, after you shared what a basket case you are and why).

And your son just got home from school, though being 11 and such a caring and sensitive boy, he knows you have days like this and can handle seeing that you are feeling sad.

He actually didn’t seem to notice this time.

Which is okay.

We’re all going to be okay.

For now, I will try to focus on the time I will get to spend with our dear friends tonight. To relish in our last night with them living here in Chicago. And remind myself that today is all we are promised anyway, so to make the most of it.

In time I will learn to live without our friends living here (6 blocks away), and adjust to how that changes our relationship. Hopefully, as with so many things, it won’t be so bad, just different.

Thank you good friends, for all that you and your amazing son have brought to our lives and family, especially our daughter and me, since you moved in, four doors down so many years ago (on our, and now your, old block).

I have learned so much from our friendship.

We are all better for knowing you and look forward to following your new adventures from a far, via Facebook, text, and hopefully visits too. I believe that our friendship will continue to grow and blossom, despite the geographical distance between us. xoxo