Just Breathe (Updated)

Updates at the bottom of this post.

I can’t remember the last time I posted three times in one day or that I felt as sad as I do tonight.

Writing is how I cope and process life, which I am trying to do now.

Earlier this evening I read the latest Caring Bridge update from an old friend (one of my college sorority sisters) about her husband’s condition (he has battled brain tumors since May 2010).

Things are looking very grim.

He will be taken of a ventilator tomorrow morning and will either pass away or end up in hospice.

This was not the outcome anyone imagined, hoped or prayed for.

Situations like this in life can be so hard to accept and understand.

Though I don’t know what it feels like to be on the verge of possibly saying goodbye in this lifetime to my husband, I do know how it feels to be preparing to meet and say goodbye to one of my children. And it sucks, it really does. It is a pain that no one should ever have to experience.

To watch a loved one pass away beside you is to truly feel your heart break and it is never the same again.

My sister Meg and another old and dear friend (who is also one of my sorority sisters) love Pearl Jam, especially their song “Just Breathe.” I know Meg found comfort listening to it during a very difficult and uncertain time in her life.

I actually never really listened to the words until now and finally appreciate why they are so powerful. Tonight my friend shared the YouTube link on Facebook and it really does “feel about right,” as she wrote in her status update.

So I will share it now too, here, with you (followed by the lyrics).

Just Breathe

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they’ve got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave…

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah…

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

Please send your healing and peace-filled thoughts and prayers to my friend, her dear husband, their two young sons and all those whose hearts are breaking with them.

Thank you.

I am hoping and praying for a miracle.

But understanding that we don’t always get what we want or pray for… No matter what happens, I want my friend to feel the truly awesome love and support the she and her family are surrounded with right now and will continue to be in the days to come.

For now, wherever and whenever these words find you,

Let’s just breathe and take it one step at a time from there.

Update (Thursday, September 12th, 5:00 p.m.): Things went as well as they possibly could have. My friend’s husband was able to go off the vent – and pulling the tube went well. He was also able to speak a bit, which was huge! They will likely be moving him out of ICU tonight and into palliative care. They were able to bring the kids to see their father, which was a blessing for everyone. They intend to discuss near-term care plans tomorrow, but for tonight, everyone is “breathing a sigh of relief,” according to my friend. Many thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming, as they are much needed and appreciated.

Update (Friday, September 13th, 9:00 p.m.): The latest from today is better than anyone could have anticipated! My friend’s husband is doing really well! Less than 48 hours ago he was at death’s door and now he is eating cheeseburgers and there is talk of him being transferred to re-hab next week, if his condition continues to improve! His doctors and everyone who care about him are truly amazed by his progress. I got permission from my friend, whose name is Maria, to share her husband Rick’s CaringBridge page link here, so those of you who want to can continue to follow their journey directly: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickhokanson. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. The Hokanson family is not out of the woods yet and the appreciate all of the support they can get right now.