Resolution

Back in September 2006, when I went to see my therapist (who specialized in infertility and pregnancy loss) for the first time she told me “this will be resolved.” I found that statement to be so liberating, as at the time I felt so overwhelmed by our inability to conceive and then to sustain pregnanciessince the birth of our son Sean in October 2003. In many ways I was obsessed with having another child. There have been so many times since then that I thought this promise of “resolution” would come to fruition, but there always seemed to be something holding me back from feeling that sense of resolve.When we got pregnant with Molly I thought that for sure that would be “it!” But alas, you know how her story ends (or at least the part of her story that we got to share with her living here on earth with us). So when I got an email from Resolve (The National Infertility Association) this morning titled “What is Resolution?” I was intrigued… They wrote:

Did you ever stop and think what resolving infertility means to you? RESOLVE asked its constituents and just as you would expect, there is not one right answer.

There are millions of right answers.

7.3 million Americans who struggle with infertility are in search of a resolution.

The email was actually being sent in effort to fund raise to support Resolve, which is wonderful, but it actually got me thinking about where my family and I are at on our journey these days and whether or not the resolution that I had been so desperate for over three years ago had arrived.

With the birth of our third child, second daughter, Abigail Grace twelve weeks ago today, I feel very blessed and lucky to say that our quest to resolve our secondary infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss problems has been resolved. Though we will never know exactly how it was possible for us to conceive and sustain our pregnancy that gave us our sweet Abby with out medical assistance, we have finally been able to expand our family as we hoped and dreamed we could over the past five years. Alleluia!

The past three months since Abby was born have been an overwhelming time of transition for our family. A very welcome time of adjustment I should clarify, but challenging as well. We are so grateful to have Abby in our lives, but since it has been six years since we had an infant to care for in our home and we are six years older than we were when Sean was born, it hasn’t been easy (not that it wouldn’t be just as hard or harder if our children were closer in age or we were younger).

Sleep deprivation has taken its toll on me and many days I find it frustrating not to be able to accomplish much more than feeding (I am nursing) and changing Abby, helping her to nap/sleep, picking Sean up from the school bus stop, helping him with his homework and keeping it together until Bob gets home from work and is able to assist. But I know this is normal and my friends that also have children remind me that the first few months, if not the entire first year, of your life with a new baby can be both exhausting and make your mind feel perpetually foggy.

It has also taken some time to get used to Sean being in full day Kindergarten with a good amount of homework to be completed each day. I am not sure if I have shared here before, but he was accepted into one of our local public school system’s “regional gifted centers” and thus much is expected of our loving, quirky and intelligent son at this young age in school. It is a great opportunity for him and we are thankful for it, but it has been another big adjustment for Sean and our family over the past few months.

All this being said, we adore our new baby girl. She is so sweet and she is growing how I imagine most healthy babies do. She is smiling and cooing and developing her own unique little personality. I am doing my best to cherish this and every stage of her life, as I don’t know if we will (or even if we want to) have any more children (and I am okay with that). I want to appreciate Abby and our life for what it is right now. Likewise, I am so proud of Sean and I am grateful for once to feel able to completely focus on our children, Bob and our life, without being so consumed with trying to add to our family.

Anyway, I know I haven’t posted here in awhile. It may take me some time to get back into the swing of posting here, especially since the purpose of my blog has evolved so much since I began it in April 2007. My lack of writing here is not for lack of having anything to say/share, it is more not being able to find the time to sit down and organize my thoughts. However, I had a few moments while Abby was napping this afternoon and felt inspired to write. I also was struck by the fact that when I asked myself, after seeing that email from Resolve in my inbox, if I had found the resolution that I had been searching for back in September 2006, that finally, the answer was a resounding, “YES!!!”

Ironically, Bob and I still need to decide in the coming months/years what our “plan” will be for if we are open to more children in our future, if that were even to be possible for us. As you might recall we still do have three frozen embryos and our OB reminded us at my six week post-partum check up that struggling with secondary infertility for years is not a reliable form a birth control.

For years the question as we saw it was always “why wouldn’t we have more children.” More recently it has become for Bob and me, “why would we have more children.” As in so many ways our family feels complete now with the four of us here on earth and our Molly watching over us in Heaven. I trust that this too will be “resolved” in time, but as our friends have also been reminding me, most people don’t decide whether or not they want or should have more children when their youngest is only three months old. As sleep deprivation can really cloud your vision. So that is a discussion/decision that Bob and I will take on eventually, but not right now.

Thank you for reading, your kind words, support, thoughts and prayers. I have been doing my best to keep up on your blogs and comment when I can. I am so excited for those of you that have recently found out that you are expecting again or for the first time! For those who are still trying or have resolved to move on with your lives child free or accepting and cherishing the family you have now, I hold you close in my thoughts and prayers as you make peace with not getting to have the bigger family you hope for and dreamed of.

Thank you also for your positive thoughts and prayers for my Aunt Denny who was in a serious car accident last month, as I talked about in my last post. She has moved from the Shock Trauma Unit at the hospital to a rehab facility and is slowly but surely making progress and healing. My aunt and her children/my cousins have been overwhelmed (in a good way) by the love and support they have received through the Caring Bridge page they set up for her and similar to our journey with Molly, I have been so moved by how what began as a tragedy has managed to bring so many people together and show what an impact one person’s life can have on so many others.

Lastly, I will leave you with a recent picture of Sean and Abby taken on Thanksgiving and another of Abby wearing an outfit that I bought for her in honor of her big sister Molly in Heaven (notice the butterfly embroidered on the front pocket of her jean jumper):