Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the nineteenth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, which I host on the 2nd Tuesday of every month, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty, you can share the link to your post in the comment section).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week’s Time Warp Tuesday is: Mothering

Some of us are mothers to living children and/or those who have left this world too soon. Some of us are still hoping, wishing, praying and trying to become mothers. We all have mothers, including the women who gave birth to us and the other women in our lives who have helped to mother/shape us into who we are today. Choose a blog entry from your archives that you wrote about mothering. It can be a post where you talked about your own experience as a mother, one in which you wrote about your hopes and dreams for being a mother, a blog entry about mothers who have influenced you and/or however else you may interpret this topic.  Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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Time Warp Tuesday: Mothering

When I realized that Time Warp this month would fall during the week leading up to Mother’s Day, I debated whether to make the theme related to this event/holiday. I know how bittersweet Mother’s Day is for so many in the Adoption/Loss/Infertility (ALI) Community.

I feel blessed and lucky to be celebrating Mother’s Day this year with my two living children and both of their grandmothers/my mother and my mother-in-law who are still with us. But I am very aware that I am not alone in also remembering this week my children who left this world too soon.

This week I am also honoring the lives and memories of Bob and my deceased grandmothers, each of whom touched my life in their own unique and very special ways. Please know if you have lost your grandmother(s), mother(s) and/or other important women in your life that my heart goes out to you.

I realize that a lot of you are still in the trenches, trying to build or expand your families, and know firsthand how painful Mother’s Day can be when your family does not feel complete. There is also a group that is often forgotten who has moved on from trying to add to your families who are living childfree. I want each of you to know that no matter what your circumstances are as we approach this Mother’s Day, that you are my thoughts and prayers.

Part of why I chose “Mothering” as this month’s Time Warp topic is because for most of the five years that I have been writing here at Bereaved and Blessed (formerly Four of Kind) my blog entries have centered around being a mother, wanting to be a mother to more children and/or learning to live as a mother without my babies who I never got to bring home from the hospital. I also think that despite how painful Mother’s Day can be for many in our ALI Community, most of us do have women in our lives (whether they are actually our mothers or mother figures to us) that have helped us to grow into the loving, caring and compassionate women, and for some the mothers, that we are today.

As I dove into my archives looking for posts about mothering, I was surprised that I didn’t find many posts that directly spoke to what being a mother means to me or about the women in my life that have mothered me over the years. There are two blog entries in which I shared some of the best advice that my mother and a dear family friend, who has been like a mother to me throughout my life, gave me on our journey trying to expand our family, however I have revisited both of them as part of other Time Warp Tuesdays in the past with the topics of Heroes and Comments Please.

Last year around this time I also shared about a tradition that some of my family, friends and I participate in every year on Mother’s Day. It’s a Mother’s Day Breast Cancer Walk in honor and memory of those who have survived,  those who have lost their lives and those who are currently battling breast cancer. This annual event is held bright and early in our neighborhood and raises money for one of our local hospital’s breast cancer treatment and support programs. As much as this walk to remember and raise awareness is near and dear to my heart, I feel like I said pretty much all that I had to share about it in my post last year.

Which brings me to the post that I finally settled on to revisit this month. It is a blog entry that I wrote two months after our baby girl Molly was born and died in 2008. One of the things that I really like about this post is how honest I was in it, even though doing so was not easy for me, especially because I was admitting to having made what I felt was a very significant mistake in my role as a parent to our then 4 1/2 -year-old son Sean.

Here is a link to my post:

Lessons in Parenting

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven’t already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

One reason why I appreciate reflecting on this post is that I believe as parents (and human beings) it is important to be able to admit when we make mistakes, take responsibility for our actions and, when necessary, change our behavior, especially when it comes to raising our children (or nurturing other young people in our life). I don’t think that we should allow children to believe that we, as adults, are perfect or infallible. I think it shows grace and humility when we are honest about the times in our lives when we have not made the best choices and/or have not behaved well. I feel that when children see us being accountable for and learning from our mistakes we are serving as a great example to them. Living through what I wrote about in this post was painful for me. It was already a very difficult time in my life, as I was mourning the death of our daughter/baby sister Molly. However, I strongly believe that didn’t preclude me from my responsibility to be a good mother to our son Sean.

Since I wrote this blog entry almost four years ago there have been plenty of other times when I have made mistakes as Sean’s and Abby’s mother, not to mention as a wife, daughter, sister, friend and human being. In most of those instances, especially the glaring ones, I am proud to say that I have admitted to my children and others when I believed that I my actions, behavior and/or choices were wrong or at least questionable. In those instances I have apologized and tried to do better going forward. It is my hope that in handling these situations like this, that I am modeling good and healthy parenting/relationship skills for my children that will serve them well throughout their lives.

A note about this month’s “Mothering” topic: At some point after I originally chose and posted here about this topic, Pamela from Silent Sorority asked me if “non-moms” could participate. I was a bit taken aback by her question, as my immediate reaction was “of course!” Then I went back and re-read the description I had written, as I thought I had made that clear and chosen inclusive language when composing it last month. In reviewing it I did feel that I had expressed that anyone was welcome to participate regardless of where they are at in their lives and/or if they are mothers (in the traditional sense of the word). But I appreciated Pamela reaching out to me and allowing me to be even more aware of and sensitive to readers who are living childfree that might want to do the Time Warp with us.

I know we have talked a lot in the ALI Community over the years about it not so much being an Adoption, Infertility and/or Loss issue as an overall sensitivity and compassion issue. That said, I admit that in recent years though I feel I have gone out of my way to try to be sensitive to and show compassion for all corners of and categories within our ALI Community, I was probably the least aware of how to try to show support to those living childfree after infertility.

So I really appreciate all that fellow bloggers like Pamela, Loribeth and Lisa (to name a few) have done to help raise my awareness and expand my understanding of the hard choices that women, like them, have made to move on with their lives and not parent living children (as some of them have experienced pregnancy and/or neonatal loss). I love the idea that though they and others may not be a “mother” in the traditional sense of the word, that they still can and do nurture many young people in their lives and make a huge impact on them and our world in doing so.

As I wrote my Time Warp post for this month I am glad to share that the voices of those living childfree have been on my mind and in my heart, encouraging me to use sensitive and inclusive language that will hopefully speak to those readers who are living childfree after infertility and/or loss. I hope that any of you who are reading this will feel welcome to comment and participate in Time Warp Tuesday now or in the future.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this month! I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours.

Please feel free to comment even if you didn’t write your own Time Warp Tuesday post. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for the next Time Warp Tuesday (on June 12th) is: Fathering

Piggybacking on our theme for May, in June we will reflect on the roles that the fathers in our lives have played. Whether you reflect on a post that you wrote about your own father, a father figure and/or your husband or significant other, choose a blog entry from your archives that you wrote related to fathering. As with our “Mothering” topic in May, this can be a post where you talked about your own experience with fathers in your life, one in which you wrote about your hopes and dreams for fathers and/or men that you love and care about, a blog entry about fathers who have influenced you and/or however else you may interpret this topic.  Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that month.

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given month. The topic is shared at the end of the previous month’s “Time Warp Tuesday” post here on my blog (see above for next week’s topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://bereavedandblessed.com/projects-regular-series/time-warp-tuesdays/ in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer’s clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser’s Edit menu.

5) Check back here on the 2nd Tuesday of the month to find out the new topic, theme or question for the next Time Warp Tuesday (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate. Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here next month: Tuesday, June 12th (the 2nd Tuesday of the month), when we’ll “do the time warp again!”

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.  Also, please don’t forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 April May 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

I completely agree about not seeming infallible. One of the things we’ve talked about has been letting it be visible to our children when we settle disagreements.

Kathy, I have always, always felt included when it comes to you, whether it’s a day I’m already a mom or a day we’re still trying. That’s been what I appreciate the most about Time Warp Tuesdays since the beginning. Thank you for always being welcoming to everyone, no matter where they are on their journey.
April recently posted..Time Warp Tuesday: MotheringMy Profile

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2 Sk8termom May 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I tell my kids all the time that I’m not perfect. (In fact, I often tell them I’m the worst mom in the whole world and they just need to get over it!) Seems to me you’re doing a pretty good job!

As for making all feel welcome here, I can only say that when I read your explanation and invitation to participate in this Time Warp Tuesday it felt very open and inclusive to me. I hope some men will consider adding their thoughts on motherhood, too!

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3 Lori Lavender Luz May 8, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I can see how much you were hurting during the time of your Molly Fog — all your nerve endings were raw. It’s admirable that you had the foresight to teach your son how to take responsibility and change course in a gentle yet firm way. Too many people never see to learn that.

I also appreciate the way you self-examined when Pamela reached out to you. It’s clear that the way you conduct yourself online is in alignment with how you parent.
Lori Lavender Luz recently posted..Time Warp Tuesday: MotheringMy Profile

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