The problem with expectations…

by Kathy on March 25, 2009 · 8 comments

in Baby Benson, Bob, Healing, Loss, Molly

is that we are (at least I am) often disappointed when people or events don’t live up to them.

When Bob and I started planning what we wanted to do for Molly’s Birthday/Celebration of Life next month we told ourselves that we would share what we were going to do with our family and friends and if they were available and chose to participate great and if not, no big deal. Bob has been able to hold true to this intention and I am proud of him. I on the other hand am trying very hard not to take it personally each time I find out about one or more of those family and friends that won’t be with us that day for one reason or another.

Maybe I am being cynical, but I can’t help but wonder if we were having a first birthday party for a living daughter if those same people would still have other plans or be choosing to decline. I am not implying that some of our family and friends don’t have genuine reasons they can’t make it (okay, maybe I am just a little bit). However, I also get the sense that others are uncomfortable with the idea of our memorial celebration that day and are choosing not to participate.

I do my best in life to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it is not always easy. I know that I need to try to show compassion to those who don’t “get” what we are doing and can’t appreciate why it is meaningful to and healing for our family.

Conversely, I have been amazed and even surprised by some of the family members and friends that have let us know they will be with us on Sunday, April 19 (two days after Molly’s birthday). Many have even said that they “wouldn’t miss it,” which means so much to me. I realize that I am better off focusing on those people and how touched we are that they intend to be with us to honor and celebrate Molly’s life and memory that day.

As it has been throughout our journey with secondary infertility, pregnancy loss and neonatal death, there have been people that have impressed and surprised us with their kindness and support and others who have disappointed us with their lack of sensitivity and effort to try to understand what we were/are going through. So I don’t know why I would think this particular stage of our grief and healing would be any different.

What makes this all the more confusing and emotional for me is that outside of our family and some close friends, the majority of our extended family and friends, not to mention our son, still don’t know that we are pregnant. Of course I am extremely grateful that our baby continues to seem to be growing and developing on track. By my LMP we are 14 weeks gestation today. It is just bizarre when I think about where we were this time last year preparing to say goodbye to our baby girl.

Anyway, I know this is a somewhat disjointed post… I just felt the need to share some of my feelings and emotions that have been swirling around inside of me as we approach a number of milestones (in both our Molly-girl’s life and our current pregnancy) in the days and weeks to come. Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. May God continue to bless you and your loved ones.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Seraphim March 25, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Oh Kathy, I totally understand how you must feel and I love that you choose to focus on the positive, that so many people are making the effort. The thing is, we wouldn’t be human if we weren’t disappointed by those who let us down.
I am sure this is a time of mixed emotion. Your beautiful little Molly is going to have a wonderful celebration to mark her precious life and I am so glad, that at fourteen weeks, all is well in utero. Bless you xxxx

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2 Katie March 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm

I did not ever give birth to one of my angels and am not comparing my loss to yours in any way, but we DO “celebrate” their due dates, just as a way to remember what was and what could have been. And one of my closest friends really hurt my feelings when she described this as “creepy.” So although I would never say that I know how you are feeling, I DO know how it feels when others don’t place the same value as you do on what’s really important.

I would love to do a Memorial Monday post for Molly soon. . . just let me know if you are interested!

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3 A Mom in Jacksonville, FL March 26, 2009 at 5:39 am

I’m sorry that some of your friends and family haven’t been as responsive as you were hoping for.

I’m sure Molly’s Life Celebration will be a perfect tribute for your perfect little angel.

Glad that all continues to go well with your current pregnancy.

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4 BagMomma March 26, 2009 at 6:07 am

If it’s hard for a close friend of family member to “get” the feelings we experience regarding loss, than it makes sense that it’s even harder for them to grasp honoring that loss.

I have spent many cycles spinning my wheels trying to comprehend this, and in the end it amounts to just having to accept people as they are. I know how hard that is, and no doubt dubly hard for you.

Thinking of you always. I’m so glad things are progressing well with this pregnancy!!

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5 BagMomma March 26, 2009 at 6:08 am

I hate when Blogger doesn’t let me edit my comment for spelling errors… ! 🙂

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6 loribeth March 26, 2009 at 6:21 am

I understand too. And I'm sorry. I think your plans for Molly's celebration are just wonderful, & I'm looking forward to reading all about it.(((hugs)))

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7 T-Mommy March 26, 2009 at 11:17 am

I believe one of the most difficult challenges in life is to let go our expectations about people and be at peace with it….

I hope these days, even though it hurts, you can find peace in knowing that you are doing what you can, what it is in your hands, to let them be part of your journey and grow as persons….

… You are setting and preparing the “table” for a great day, in which I am sure many hearts and souls will be fed and comforted….

….shame on the ones who miss it!

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8 Fertilized March 26, 2009 at 12:39 pm

T-Mommy said my sentiments exactly! I will be there in Mind/Spirit.

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