No news is good news.

by Kathy on February 9, 2009 · 17 comments

in Baby Benson, Bob, Fear, Sean, The Future

Thank you all so much for your kind words, enthusiasm, support, thoughts and prayers! Your comments on my last post were awesome and mean so much to me. It still seems very surreal to Bob and me that we are pregnant. Since I last posted my life has been very busy and I kept thinking I would get back here to blog and then I didn’t. I am sorry that I worried some of you that something might have gone wrong. At least at this point, we’ll say that no news is good news.

I know I promised a follow up post with “the details” and I will get to that soon. In the meantime, I do have a few updates. We are now approximately eight weeks along. Only two other of our six pregnancies have made it this far and they were with Sean and Molly. So we find that somewhat encouraging.

Our next appointment will be on Monday, February 16 for a “peace of mind” ultrasound. Our OB said it wasn’t necessary for us to come back after our last appointment for four weeks, however if it would make it easier on us emotionally not to have to wait that long, that we were welcome to come back sooner. I said that I thought that waiting two weeks was reasonable. My biggest fear at this stage is showing up for an ultrasound and finding out that our baby died a few weeks earlier. I would just rather know sooner if something goes wrong, so we aren’t allowed to think things are okay with our baby if they are not.

My nausea has gotten progressively worse over the past two weeks and though it is challenging to live with, I definitely see it as a good sign of what still appears to be a healthy pregnancy.

The hardest thing for me over the past few weeks has been trying to believe that it is possible that this pregnancy could be normal and that we might actually get to bring this baby home. I am usually a very positive and optimistic person, but after all we have been through over the past 4 1/2 years trying to expand our family, I think I am just trying to protect myself from getting my hopes up too much this early on.

After we got pregnant the fourth time, preceded by two miscarriages, and in the beginning things seemed to be going well, we thought that time everything would be alright and were stunned when it turned out to be an interstitial ectopic pregnancy. Then after two failed IVF cycles and one that was converted to IUI, we were elated to find out that our first FET cycle was successful. We were very cautious for the first twelve weeks of that pregnancy. We knew what could go wrong and didn’t want to get our hopes up too much. When we did get to that milestone of twelve weeks, we allowed ourselves to start to believe that this might be a baby that we would get to bring home. Well, it wasn’t long before things started to go wrong with that pregnancy too and though we feel grateful that Molly lived as long as she did, it was still devastating for us when we found out that our baby girl had a broken heart and when she died.

A perfect example of how jaded struggling with secondary infertility, pregnancy loss and neonatal loss can make a person, is an interaction that I had recently with an a childhood friend that I reconnected with on Facebook. Soon after we became “friends” on Facebook I found out that my old friend was about twelve weeks pregnant with her third child. We had a brief exchange back and forth during which I congratulated her on her pregnancy. She replied that now that she was almost in her second trimester that she was really getting excited and also a bit scared. Not thinking twice about what she meant by that, I replied that being scared was understandable, but that making it to twelve weeks gestation was a big deal and that odds are everything would be just fine with her baby.

It wasn’t long after I sent her that message that I thought about our exchange more and realized that I think my friend wasn’t referring to being scared about the rest of her pregnancy and the health/safety of her unborn baby. Rather, when she said she was scared, she meant about the prospect of having three kids to take care of. “Most people” probably would have known right away that it was she was referring to, but those of us who have had pregnancy losses see the world differently I guess.

Anyway, please don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed and grateful to have made it to eight weeks with this pregnancy. I love our baby that is growing and developing inside me very much. I am just struggling with my fear of what could go wrong and what could keep our little miracle from coming home with us someday. I understand that with each passing day and hopefully week and then month that things may get easier in terms of my belief that our baby is and will continue to be healthy. I know that I need to continue to take this journey one day at a time and try to remain cautiously optimistic. I so appreciate your kind words, support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. Thank you. Take care and may God bless you and your loved ones.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 JuliaS February 9, 2009 at 9:08 am

Kathy – I am very happy for you that things appear to be going well so far. Nausea – while not fun, is a good thing, so I will say I am happy you are sick and hope you will know what I mean by that!

You are so right – our past experiences color our perception and hopes of the future.

Continued good wishes and prayers!

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2 T-Mommy February 9, 2009 at 9:42 am

Kathy, I just have no words to tell you how happy I am for you, Bob and Sean…

If someome deserves this is you, without a doubt!

Miracles DO happen and little Miss Molly is now watching over you, making each day a step closer to have your dream come true.

As always I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

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3 Fertilized February 9, 2009 at 10:02 am

Kathy – I am sending your prayers for faith and peace

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4 Kristie February 9, 2009 at 10:52 am

Your feelings are so valid. Thanks for sharing them with you. I can only begin to understand some of what your have gone through as our journey has been so very different. I think of you almost everyday and hope and pray for you are your sweet new baby.

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5 k@lakly February 9, 2009 at 11:19 am

One step at a time, that’s how you get there. Don’t focus on the whole journey, just each little step, then it won’t seem so overwhelming. It’ll still be overwhelming, just not as much:)
And remember, I’m here, for every one of those steps.
xxoo

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6 CLC February 9, 2009 at 11:40 am

I think the fear must be normal anytime after you have a loss. But as kalakly said, focus on one day at a time, or one OB appt. at a time.

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7 BagMomma February 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

Happy to hear things are going well so far. I am always thinking good thoughts for you.

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8 Martha February 9, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Your feelings are so understandable. I send you all the best for wonderful news at your next OB appt.

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9 Kymberli February 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm

That type of fear is so very normal and you’re right – those of us on the IF side of the tracks view fear very differently than do our fertile counterparts.

You’re in my heart and prayers always.

As an aside – my word verification for this comment is “joyings.” It must be a good sign!

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10 Cara February 9, 2009 at 7:56 pm

Kathy, this is great news. I will continue praying while you deal with a rolling stomach.

This baby is so loved.

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11 JuliaS February 10, 2009 at 10:53 am

Kathy – just nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award. Stop by my place for details.

Life After Infertility & Loss

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12 Tash February 11, 2009 at 8:36 am

Kathy, this is great news, but like you intone, I’m sure a bit bittersweet and difficult to always find the glass half full. Completely understandable.

Thinking of you.

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13 katd February 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm

OH KATHY!! I am just now catching up and I am beyond overjoyed for you guys. My prayers and thoughts and hopes are with you and your beautiful family!

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14 Lori Lavender Luz July 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

It’s interesting how experiencing a trauma changes your thought processes. I would have aligned more with your fear than with your friend’s fear.

It’s interesting to look back on this post, so full of hope and possibilities, yet tinged with trepidation. I’m glad I know how the story goes 🙂
Lori Lavender Luz recently posted..Chillin: 11 ways to stay cool on a hot summer dayMy Profile

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15 Jjiraffe July 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Like Lori, I also think it’s nice to read this post knowing how the story ends. I wish I could go back in time and send you hugs.
Jjiraffe recently posted..Time Warp: Fear and Mr. RogersMy Profile

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16 April July 13, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I third Lori and jjiraffe. I’m glad I can breathe a sigh of relief instead of worrying for you.

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