by Kathy on October 22, 2008 · 7 comments

in Healing, Loss, Molly

I have tried throughout our journey with Molly not to dwell on the question of why this happened to me, to my baby girl and to our family. I have done my best to make some good come from my daughter’s short life here on earth. However today, one year after I received a phone call telling me that our hopes and dreams of expanding our family after all this time and everything we had been through might be actually coming true, I am really struggling with why. I don’t know what it is about this day that I am finding more difficult to get through than some of the other milestones we have reached since Molly was born and died. Maybe its because I still recall the sheer joy and disbelief I felt on October 22, 2007 when the nurse told me that the Beta blood test was indeed positive and I allowed myself to believe that this time we might just get to bring this baby, this miracle, our over achieving embryo home with us. Though I am learning to live with what happened to me, to my baby girl and to our family, my heart and soul still ache so much and I wouldn’t be human if a part me didn’t wonder why?

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mrs. Spit October 22, 2008 at 3:18 pm

Oh, Kathy. These are the hardest questions. They truly are. And I have spent many many hours asking why.

It’s not a sin to ask why, it’s the normal response of a child of God, wondering how to reconcile tragedy and pain and sorrow, with how much God loves us.

And I wish I could answer for you. I wish I could tell you why. But honestly, those are the hard questions you have to ask God.

I often remember the words of Job.

For I know my Redeemer lives. And in the end He shall stand upon the earth. And though my body be destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God. Job 19:25-27.

Wishing you peace and comfort today.


2 Cara October 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm

Why? ranks right up there for with “What if?”. They both beat us up from the inside like a pinball machine that never turns off.

I’m so sorry it is attacking you more than usual. There really is no answer, only pain and acceptance of what is.


3 SommerNyte October 22, 2008 at 11:04 pm

I wish I had some words of wisdom, Kathy, but I don’t. Just lots of love and virtual hugs.


4 Henry's Mom October 23, 2008 at 8:36 am

I follow your blog and read your posts and I’m amazed by your strength. I don’t have any great words to bring you comfort but I wanted to share with you that my sister saw your site and knows about Molly. She was amazed by your strength too. Molly and your family have touched the lives of people who you don’t even know. Wishing you peace today.


5 theclam October 24, 2008 at 7:17 am

Kathy, you are only human and I personally think the way you and your family have handled Molly’s passing is inspirational.

I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to have your little girl leave you too soon.

You’re in my thoughts and prayers.



6 T-Mommy October 24, 2008 at 9:24 am

I have no words, just want to let you know I am thinking of you.

A big hug for you Kathy!


7 Anonymous October 28, 2008 at 8:46 am

I just found your blog through another and so many things you said reminded me of myself.

My living son has a birth defect(also about 3.5 yrs old). I lost my second son June 2007 at 22 weeks. Became pregnant again in December 2007 with twins and miscarried in February 2008. I am pregnant for the 4th time now, 20 weeks.

Although our situations are different, I can understand how frustrating it is somedays and how hard it all is to swallow. It’s really helped me to take one day at a time and lean on friends and family.

Feel free to contact me if you want to ‘talk’.



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