I miss Molly today. I miss her everyday, but today for some reason I am feeling sad and thinking about her a lot. Much of the time lately I feel like I can live my life and be happy and know that I have a son here on earth and a daughter in Heaven and I am okay with it. At least I am as much okay with it as I imagine anyone who had lost a child could be. However, there are days like today, when I think about our baby girl and our journey with her and I am overcome with grief and thoughts of why this happened to our family and what our life would be like right now if our daughter/baby sister had lived longer and/or not had CHD.
I know this is both normal and healthy to mourn our Molly-girl as I am. It feels therapeutic to cry and to remember her. Sean is napping right now, which doesn’t happen too often these days, so it seems to be a good time for me to work through my emotions. Anyway, I felt like sharing my feelings today, as it helps me to know that my friends and family in the blogsophere are “listening” and continuing to hold me and my family close as we attempt to move on with our lives, while still honoring the memory of our Molly Marie.
I will leave you with the lyrics to a song called “So Close” that I first heard while I was pregnant with Molly. It is from the soundtrack to the Disney movie “Enchanted.” Sean and I saw the fun and sweet modern day fairytale twice in the theater this past winter, once with my parents and once with Bob. We have also watched it at home on DVD many times since, as he got it in his Easter basket earlier this year. The song is a love song, as I understand it. It is intended I think to be about a woman and a man who have longed to be in love, they have finally found each other and are afraid that they might not ultimately be able to be together. That said, many of the words seem to apply to how I have longed to mother another child and the time I had with Molly. Many times when I was still carrying Molly and since she was born and died, I have listened to this song and thought about how close our family was to our dream of expanding our family here on earth. So close and still so far.
So Close (Jon McLaughlin)
You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive
A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close
How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
And still so far
Here is a link to hear “So Close” on You Tube: http://youtu.be/AHnZ_vtyJ6E