It’s my 13th Leap Day.

On my 11th, I shared this post, which was adapted from an earlier version that I wrote for The3Six5 writing project, on February 29, 2012 (my 10th Leap Day). I am including parts of those two posts (in some cases adapted) again today, as they are interesting to revisit. I also pulled some of my own words from holiday cards/letters that our family sent in recent years, as well as some of my social media posts, to help me share about what’s happened with my family and me since my 12th Leap Day in 2020.

It’s fascinating and also bittersweet to reflect on my life in four-year segments, to recognize the stages I was at, as well as the milestones my loved ones and I had reached (or did not reach). The most striking difference since my 12th is that both of my parents have died. Though I am sure on some level I understood that to be a possibility by this date/year, I don’t think I actually believed it would have happened yet. It feels very surreal and sad for me to be navigating this 13th Leap Year without my parents in it. At the same time, after all that they went through physically and emotionally in the months and years leading up to their deaths, my dad on July 1, 2021 and my mom on July 13, 2023, there is also a sense of relief, elements of complicated grief and immense gratitude related to the incredible impact they had on me as my parents, as well as how much they contributed (in mostly wonderful ways) to my becoming who I am today.

During our last Leap Year (my 12th) in 2020, which also coincided with a U.S. Presidential Election (as they always do), as in 2016 (my 11th), I was still hopeful and working to help elect another Senator and woman, Elizabeth Warren to be our 46th President, though first I was trying to help her get the Democratic Nomination, as there were a lot more candidates left in the primary than there were at this time eight years ago. Unfortunately, she didn’t secure the democratic nomination. As I said I would, I then worked to help elect those who did, which was Biden/Harris, as our country and I could not handle another four years of the former occupant of the White House and his corrupt administration.

This 13th Leap Year is certainly better than I thought it would be if President Biden hadn’t won in 2020 and, sadly, the current state of our nation and world is still very problematic to say the least. Biden and his administration have done a lot of very good things for our country during his presidency (much of which many people don’t give him enough, if any, credit for). However, I do not believe that he is our best option for the 2024 Democratic nomination for president. It is not too late for President Biden to step aside and open the door for a stronger candidate to run and beat the likely Republican nominee, Trump. Erza Klein has been talking about this in recent episodes of his podcast and along with Listen to Michigan’s Uncommitted movement, that started during the run up to their presidential primary two days ago and is growing across other states in advance of their primaries. I do think it is possible that Biden could be convinced to retire and allow for the nomination to be decided at the Democratic National Convention, here in Chicago, this summer. My biggest criticism of President Biden has been his actions (or lack thereof) related to Israel’s ongoing horrific genocide in Gaza, including his refusal to call for a long overdue/much needed Ceasefire. Of course, I acknowledge that what Hamas did in Israel on October 7, 2023 is horrendous and the remaining hostages that they took should be released. That said, the clock did not begin on that date and I stand in solidarity with Palestinians, along with all those who call out Israel’s occupation of Palestine and demand that it end. Though I will likely vote for Biden, if it comes to it (as in my view he is still significantly better than Trump), I really hope that is not where things stand by Tuesday, November 5th this year.

Another callback to/update from past Leap Years relates to my 11th (in 2016), when I was hoping, praying, and working to for social and criminal justice reform, including Adnan Syed’s exoneration, who I am still convinced is innocent and was finally freed from prison on September 19, 2022, after 23 years being wrongly accused and convicted of murdering Hae Min Lee. I continue to send so much love to the Lee and Syed families and all those who have advocated, donated and worked for justice for both Hae and Adnan. I also continue to hope that someday we will find out who really murdered Hae Min Lee, so she and her family can truly have justice.

Because I have mentioned the Summer Olympics in past Leap Year posts, I will note that during this one, my 13th, they are scheduled to be held in Paris. When I revisited my last Leap Day post, is was especially bittersweet to read this part,

“The 2020 Summer Olympics, during this/my 12th Leap Year, are scheduled to be in Tokyo, Japan, however the recent outbreak of the Coronavirus, which continues to spread across Asia and worldwide, has caused panic and left the fate of that event in question.”

13th Leap Year Kathy knows that was only one of many events that did not happened as planned in 2020 and beyond because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Though it would be another 10 days after Leap Day that year before I started to wrap my brain around the ramifications of a global pandemic, which we are still navigating four years later. What happened in the weeks, months and years following my 12th Leap Day, because of COVID-19 (especially due to mismanagement by the Trump administration, as well as other government officials in the US and other countries around the world), was unimaginable to me until we lived through them. The pandemic changed the trajectory of so many people’s lives, including our family’s. Were it not for that, I highly doubt that we would’ve decided sell our house in Chicago’s Beverly neighborhood (where we lived for 19 years) to move back to my hometown of Evanston two years ago.

In 2012, on my 10th Leap Day, we had lived in our new home for seven months, Sean was 8 and Gail was 2. Bob and I were both 36. In some ways it doesn’t seem like that long ago, time really does fly. Also on my 10th in 2012 I took a Leap of Faith — changing the name of my blog from Four of a Kind to Bereaved and Blessed and moved it from Blogger to Self-Hosted WordPress, with this/my own URL.

During my 10th Leap Year I also got to speak as part of a panel at BlogHer ’12 in NYC with some of my favorite blogging friends, including Lori Holden (from Lavender Luz). I got see/spend time with Lori last night (on the eve of my 13th Leap Day) for the first time in person since 2012! Our visit was in conjunction with a local event on her book tour, for an awesome new book that she co-wrote as an adoptive parent, along with an adoptee Sara Easterly and a birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, called Adoption Unfiltered. Though Lori and I felt a close connection in the past, we hadn’t been in touch regularly for many years and I appreciate how we were able to pick up where we left off. Lori is an incredible human being that I feel fortunate to know. Though I haven’t gotten to read their book (which I bought multiple copies of last night) yet, I learned a lot that I didn’t know about the adoption constellation from their presentation, which included an awesome panel of contributors to the book (an adoptee, two birth parents and an adoptive parent), and am excited to dive in soon as a adoptive aunt and ally.

In 2008, on my 9th Leap Day, our child/sibling Molly was still alive and President Obama had not yet been elected. It’s been almost 16 years since Molly was born and died and though our grief has gotten lighter over time, we still think about our baby often and wonder who Molly might be today if they had lived longer. Today Bob drove out to where Molly is buried, to clear the area around their grave/headstone, in advance of the cemetery’s twice a year spring and fall cleaning. We’ve learned the hard way over the years when we didn’t get there in time (Molly’s/our stuff was gone) and I really appreciate him making the trek on his day off. Unfortunately, we hadn’t managed to fit in a family trip there within the hours the cemetery is open this time of year, since bringing decorations during the holiday season late last year.

In 2000, on my 7th, Bob and I were engaged to be married and planning our wedding for that September. My maternal Grandma Dee had died earlier that month and my paternal Grandma Mite would die a few months later. That was especially heartbreaking to navigate, as I felt close to both my grandmothers and imagined them being with us on our wedding day that year. My maternal Grandpa Jack had died in February 1998 and my paternal Grandpa Robert in March 1995.

On my 6th, in 1996, I was living/studying abroad in London, during the spring semester of my junior year in college. One of the many difficult aspects of the pandemic in 2020 (my 12th) was having to cancel several much anticipated trips that our family had planned. This included an epic vacation to the UK, where we intended to spend most of the month of August that year. I was so excited to show Bob, Sean and Gail so many places that are meaningful to me in London and beyond. For many reasons, the biggest being the pandemic and our move to Evanston, our family hasn’t rescheduled/gotten there together yet. We still hope to make our away “across the pond” in the coming years, possibly next summer (2025), though our adventures likely won’t be as long as we’d planned for in 2020 because of our family’s schedules at this time in our lives.

My earliest Leap Year memory is from my 3rd in 1984. I was in 3rd grade and a classmate invited me over to play. Legend had it that on Leap Days women are allowed to ask men to marry them. My friend’s mom told him about the tradition which somehow translated into him inviting me over to celebrate.

In 1988 we were in 7th grade and gathered at a mutual friend’s home that evening to hang out and play board games in honor of Leap Day (my 4th).

In 1992 that same friend and I were in 11th grade and worked together on a Chicago Metro History Fair project about our town’s golf course, a sport we both played and enjoyed. I recall seeing each other at some point on Leap Day (my 5th) and reflecting on our tradition. We lost touch after high school, reconnecting 16 years ago on Facebook in 2008, which seemed fitting being that it was a Leap Year (my 9th).

It’s interesting to wonder where I will be and how my life will have changed on my 14th Leap Day (in 2028), when my husband (who I married during my 7th Leap Year in 2000) and I will hopefully still be here and healthy, at age 52, along with our living children who will also hopefully be here and healthy, at ages 24 and 18 (two young adults/possibly a college grad and a 12th grader/soon to be high school grad).

In 2020 (my 12th Leap Year), I wondered the similar things and pondered these questions:

Where will Sean be going to college, what will they be majoring in and what will they be most passionate about?

Where will Gail have applied to attend high school (though we likely won’t know where they got in and they’ll be going yet) and will they still love dance and/or be pursuing other things in their free time?

Will Bob be working for the same company (which he began working for during my 7th Leap Year)?

Will I have gone back to work in the professional world part time, full time or in some capacity, beyond teaching group fitness classes or health and fitness coaching, as I’ve contemplated more recently?

Will I have queried any agents with one or more book proposals, as I’ve considered and put some effort into since at least my tenth Leap Year (2012), but as of now have yet to follow through on?

How is “Weasley,” my dream car (an orange 2017 VW Beetle), that Bob and I bought for me a week ago doing?

Where will we, the Traveling Bensons, have had adventures (as we’ve taken to so enjoy doing in recent years)?

SEAN
Sean graduated from Jones College Prep High School (JCP) in June 2022 and one of the highlights of their senior year at JCP was being cast in the spring musical Anastasia, as the understudy for Gleb and part of the Ensemble. Sean and I did not get to go on the Band/Choir Spring Break Trip in April 2020 to Orlando, FL (including visits to Disney World and Universal Orlando), which I was supposed to chaperone, and we were both super excited about, because of the pandemic. From their options/college acceptances, Sean chose to go to Marquette University (MU) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and major in Psychology (though they were not sure that was the direction they wanted to go). We visited Sean relatively often at MU in 2022-23, with it not being very far away, including a super fun Family Weekend in September 2022. Sean was also cast in a student directed play at MU, called “The Amish Project,” which they really enjoyed, and we got to drive up to see them perform in.

Though Sean had some meaningful experiences at MU during their freshman year, overall, it didn’t go well and they did not return. We spent time over the summer last year exploring what their next steps could be. The option that Sean decided to pursue was a year of service, as a student success coach, with City Year Chicago (an AmeriCorps program). Sean applied and was invited to join starting in mid-October and serving through early June of this year. Sean was placed at Fuller Elementary School, in Chicago’s Bronzeville neighborhood, where they work with 5th graders on math and reading skills. We are excited for and proud of how Sean is navigating this plot twist in their life and enjoy having them back living at home with us. Sean still enjoys playing video games, as well as collecting Pokémon cards, and sometimes goes to a local game store on Sunday afternoons to play in Pokémon card game tournaments.

GAIL
If you had told February 2020 (12th Leap Day) Kathy where Gail would be at this age and stage of their life I might not have believed you. They didn’t apply anywhere to attend high school, they just registered for our local one — Evanston Township High School (ETHS), where I went and they will go! This was one of many reasons we decided to move back my hometown in 2022, so that Gail would not have to go through the competitive college-like application process to possibly get into and attend a selective enrollment Chicago public high school. Gail is currently in 8th grade at Haven Middle School (where I also went), loves to read (especially Percy Jackson books) and their favorite classes are social studies and drama. Gail transferred to Haven from Keller School in Chicago when we moved in March 2022.

Gail continues to love being creative, especially through drawing, writing and dancing. They began taking virtual classes through Dance Center Evanston (DCE) in September 2020 during the height of the pandemic, transitioned to a hybrid schedule in January 2021 and eventually to fully in person (with masks and distancing) in June that year. That was another contributing factor in our Evanston move. Since then, Gail has participated in DCE summer dance immersion programs, as well Summer Company, which focuses on creating and performing storytelling productions. In 2021 they put on A Wrinkle in Time and Gail was cast in a lead role as Charles “Charlie” Wallace and we were blown away by their performance, especially their acting/ability to express their emotions while dancing and wearing a mask (as all the dancers did). This Fall Gail’s drama class wrote and performed a wonderful and moving original play. As their teacher/director wrote in the program, “the play was created to disrupt the way we put ourselves and others into boxes.”

Photo Credit: Ren Picco-Freeman (@renstudio)

I love this photo of Gail, while goes well with it being Leap Day! Gail spends much of their extracurricular time at DCE taking Ballet/Pointe, Cecchetti, Hip Hop, Modern, Jazz and Tap classes, as well as rehearsing and performing for their second year with the ede2 dance company (the Evanston Dance Ensemble dance company for 7th and 8th graders), which they auditioned for/were invited to join. That super cool picture of Gail above was taken for ede2 by Ren Picco-Freeman (@renstudio). The last two Junes Gail has performed in DCE’s annual dance shows at the North Shore Center for the Performing Arts, which have been awesome to experience. They never ended up auditioning again for The Nutcracker, mostly because of the pandemic and by the time they could, Gail was no longer interested. Also, due to the pandemic, my mom/Grandma Jacquie, Gail and I did not get to take our planned trip to New York City for Gail to participate in Dance the World Broadway with Dance Gallery Chicago, which we were all really looking forward to and was very disappointing.

BOB
Bob is still working at the same company he has been at since our 7th Leap Year (24 years ago), where he continues to serve in the role of Controller on the finance team. Since March 2020 he has primarily been working remotely, though he typically goes into the office at least one day each week and other days as needed. This certainly has pros and cons, but you can’t beat the commute and our family appreciates having him home more, especially now that we are both working full time in the traditional workforce. The time Bob has saved working from home has allowed him to focus more on some projects around the house which he’d been wanting to do both when we still lived in Beverly/Chicago and now in our new home in Evanston. We’ve also started working with a local architect to design plans, as well as getting initial ballpark quotes from contractors, to finish/build out our attic and make some changes to our second floor, which Bob is especially looking forward to. The new third floor space will include a home office/guest room and bathroom.

It has been an adjustment not living as close to our extended Benson family as we used to, and we are glad that Evanston is not that far away. We appreciate them being willing and able to travel to visit us, as our Axe family did for many years when we lived further from them. It is also nice being closer to my sister’s family in Wisconsin since our move and we relished in the 16 months that we got to live four blocks away from my mom before she died. Some highlights in recent years for Bob include: accompanying Sean on all of their “admitted student” college visits, which was so helpful in ultimately determining where they would go and attending a few MU Basketball games with Sean, that they both got a kick out of. Sean’s freshman year at MU was an especially fun year to be there, as the basketball team was really good, as they are again this school year. Bob has also embraced the role of “Dance Dad,” from frequently driving to/from Gail’s classes and rehearsals to giving praise and feedback after their performances. Lastly, Bob appreciates that Evanston rivals the Beverly area for having many fabulous places to try and procure delicious craft beer, which he continues to enjoy with me.

YOURS TRULY
The answer to my 12th Leap Day/2020 wondering about if/when I might go back to the traditional workforce is, YES! I returned full time at Northwestern University (NU), in August 2021, after 18 years as stay at home mom, community/school volunteer, writer/blogger, group fitness instructor and coach. I am now in my
third year with NU and in mid-September 2023 started a new role as a Career Advisor with the Medill School of Journalism, Media, Integrated Marketing Communications! I am grateful for the incredible experiences I had and all that I learned over the last two years — being part of a team in the McCormick School of Engineering & Applied Science that supports two professional master’s programs: Master of Science in Machine Learning and Data Science (MLDS), formerly known as Master of Science in Analytics (MSiA), and Master of Science in Information Technology (MSIT). I continue to have a hybrid schedule, working in the office on campus three days and remote two days a week. I am active with the Association of Northwestern University Women (ANUW), especially the Programming Committee, and served on our Executive Board as Co-Chair of the Programming Committee last academic year. I also love taking advantage of professional development opportunities at NU. Two of my favorites have been: Navigating Cultures in the Global Workplace, through which I learned how to work more effectively with international students, as well as colleagues from different backgrounds, and Lead 4 Success (facilitated by the Center for Creative Leadership) in which I was able to identify some career goals and formulate a plan to work towards them, which definitely helped me on my journey to my current role as a Career Advisor (that I absolutely love). 

Working FT in the traditional workforce is still an adjustment for me two and half years in, which doesn’t leave as much time for things outside of family stuff. However, I prioritize some that are especially meaningful to me, one being monthly meetings and occasional social events with a White Anti-Racist Group (WAG) in Evanston that has connected me with others (some of which have become good friends) who are committed to interrupting racism and taking action to build a more equitable community for everyone who lives here. As a lifelong learner, I continue to love listening to podcasts and audiobooks. In recent years I grown to really love participating in book clubs/reading groups and am currently in three that meet fairly regularly (one is a more traditional book club and the other two are more social justice/action/abolition oriented). Also, our WAG group reads and discusses books together (albeit more slowly, typically few chapters a month). Bob and the kids like to tease me about this (“How many book clubs are you in, Mom/Kathy?”) and I know it would make my mom proud (she was impressed before she died 7.5 months ago)!

Lastly, in April I will have been connected to BODi (formerly known as Beachbody) as a partner (formerly known as a coach), though on a smaller scale, for 10 years! I still lead a small private accountability/support group for my longtime/loyal clients/friends and partners, which also helps me stay on track with my health and fitness routines. Bob and I continue to get up early every morning to workout together, doing whatever the latest awesome BODi program is or we stream stand alone workouts from the platform/library at times. We are currently in Week 11 the newest one, called Dig Deeper with super trainer Shaun T, who we started our journey with in 2014 doing his program Focus T25.

On my 11th Leap Day (2016) a college church/Koinonia community friend died of cancer. Cancer still sucks, on Leap Day and every day. Since then our family and friends have grieved the deaths of more loved ones due to cancer, suicide and other illnesses. The two biggest, as I’ve already shared, being my Mom last year in July and my Dad in July 2021. Also, my paternal Aunt Denny/my dad’s youngest sibling/one of my Godmothers died of cancer in January 2022 and in July 2022 our longtime pastor and friend from St. Barnabas Parish, Fr. Bill Malloy, who baptized Molly and Gail, also died of cancer. Amongst the things we hope for and dream about, as we head into these next four years, is a world without horrible illnesses and diseases, including cancer, Parkinson’s and many others that make people’s lives so painful and often end them prematurely. Currently I have another old friend, from childhood, who has cancer and is transitioning to hospice care, which breaks my heart.

Lastly, today would be the 12th Leap Day Birthday of a friend from when we lived in Beverly/Chicago, named Madeline, who died last year in June. The chorus of those who are in disbelief and better people for knowing her is immense. Though I didn’t know Madeline well, she still brought so much joy and humor to my life through her stand up comedy/gift for storytelling, as well as things like the pictures she regularly shared of cars blocking her driveway and her annual daily countdown to the end the Chicago Public School (CPS) year, with clever/amusing photos related to the number of days left. One of our connections was that we were both North Shore transplants to Beverly (though she went to my high school’s arch rival New Trier and I moved back to Evanston in 2022). Her memory is a blessing and I wish she didn’t have to leave the world so soon. Continuing to send love to all those whose hearts are broken from her untimely death, including her children and dear friends who meant so much to Madeline and vice versa, who are celebrating her life and memory on her rare and special (as she was) Leap Day birthday today.

MY BOOK PROPOSAL(S)
I have not queried any agents with one or more book proposals, as I’ve considered and put some effort into since at least my 10th Leap Year (2012), but as of now have yet to finish/follow through on. I still love to write and share here when the spirit moves me, which has been especially therapeutic since my parents’ deaths. I have not given up on the possibility of writing one or more books and trying to get it/them published through more traditional channels or self-publishing in the future. However, it is not high on my list of priorities or goals at this time in my life. I would be fairly surprised if four years from now, on my 14th Leap Day (2028), I were to be much further along in the process. As my mom was fond of saying, “more will be revealed.” Though, obviously, I’d have to also take significant action to make this one happen.

WEASLEY MY VW BUG
“Weasley,” my dream car (an orange 2017 VW Beetle), that Bob and I bought for me a week before my 12th Leap Day (2020) still brings me so much joy! It was an awesome purchase to make right before the pandemic hit, as I spent many days driving to/from Evanston (before we moved back) to support my parents with their many complex medical conditions before they died. It was also especially great for the first seven months that I worked at NU and commuted to the Evanston campus three days a week, before our big move. I can’t imagine driving any other car and love it so much that I plan to “drive it into the ground,” as they say. Since we moved in March 2022 it doesn’t get a ton of miles on it, which hopefully will help me continue to maintain and drive it for as long as possible.

REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY
Though I didn’t pontificate about what would bring our family joy in my 13th Leap Year (2024), I really liked this paragraph from our December 2023 holiday letter and am including it here, to capture that aspect of us. One of the ways we experience great joy as family is through going to live theater and concerts. Some of our favorite performances from 2023, that various configurations of us saw, were: The Book of Mormon, Jagged Little Pill, My Sister, My Brother (Garrison Starr and Sean McConnell), The National, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Ed Sheeran, BoDeans, Pearl Jam, Sonic Symphony and John Oliver. Though we have not gotten tickets to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour in person, we went the night the movie version was released to see it at our local theater. Swifties Gail and me have returned two more times, wearing homemade friendship bracelets, to sing and dance along with Taylor, her amazing band, singers and dancers, as well as everyone else in the audience! Now that we can stream it at home, we’ve also rented/watched it once and danced along and plan to do so again soon (when we won’t need to rent it anymore, if we have a Disney+ subscription, which we recently let lapse). There is more I could add to this, as after we got through the height of the pandemic and live theater and concerts returned/we felt safe enough to attend, once all four of us were vaccinated (yay, science!), we definitely made up for lost time, masking often initially, as well as off and on since (when it made sense to us). 

TRAVELING BENSONS
As I’ve already mentioned a number of times in this post about the Traveling Bensons’ big plans for adventures during my 12th Leap Year in 2020, most of which did not happen. In 2021 we continued to remain close to home most of the year in effort to be safe, which included trying to keep our more vulnerable loved ones healthy and alive. Then our focus moved towards saving money and preparing for our big move to E-town in 2022!

So in 2023, a big highlight for Bob and our family was a trip that we took in August to Maui with our Benson family, in celebration of his parents’/Grandma and Grandpa Benson’s milestone 50th Wedding Anniversary. We happened to arrive the day that devastating wildfires hit West Maui, which was sad and scary. We were lucky to be staying in Kihei, about 25 miles away, where we weren’t directly impacted. For that reason, this much anticipated vacation was not quite what expected and we made the most our situation, while trying to support local people and businesses. Mom and Dad Benson renewed their vows during a beautiful ceremony at a small ocean side chapel, followed by a special family dinner afterwards. It was Bob and my first time back on Maui since our honeymoon in 2000 (my 7th Leap Year) and we made many wonderful new memories, including hiking adventures, driving/exploring the Road to Hana, lots of delicious meals, local beer, shaved ice, relaxing time at the beach and attending a fabulous luau.

In November 2023, I got to travel to Nashville, TN for the Career Leadership Collective’s Kickstart professional development experience for new career services professionals. I connected with wonderful staff members from other universities across the U.S., learned a lot, enjoyed some delicious food and heard/saw some fabulous live bands perform in the Music City!

This year in July, we are looking forward to road tripping to one of our “Happy Places,” Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, where we haven’t been since August 2019 with my parents and my sister’s family. It will be bittersweet to return for the first time without our parents/the kids’ maternal grandparents and we are still really excited to get back there and spend time with some of our extended family who live there, as well as to do all the things we enjoy on HHI.

Here’s some questions for our 14th Leap Year in 2028, which I hope my family, friends and I are fortunate enough to be around for:

Where will Sean be/what will they be doing (in school and/or working in the traditional workforce or maybe some other possibility)? What will they be most passionate about?

If and where will Gail have applied to college (though may not know everywhere they got in and where they’ll be going yet) and will they still love dance and/or be pursuing other things in their free time?

Will Bob be working for the same company (which he began working for during my seventh Leap Year)?

Will I still be working at Northwestern University with Medill?

Will I have queried any agents with one or more book proposals, as I’ve considered and put some effort into since at least my 10th Leap Year (2012), but as of now have yet to follow through on?

Did we end up remodeling our attic and second floor bathrooms with the plans our architect drew up this year?

How is “Weasley,” my dream car (an orange 2017 VW Beetle), that Bob and I bought for me a week before my 12th Leap Day in 2020?

What brings our family joy/what do we most enjoy doing together?

Where will we, the Traveling Bensons, have had adventures?

This post ended up being way longer than I intended. As the saying goes, if I had more time I’d write less. Though I did spend a good deal of time crafting this one. Maybe for my 14th Leap Day I will challenge myself to be significantly more concise?! And if not, that’s okay too. As some of my colleagues at NU and I are fond of saying, especially when our recovering perfectionist tendencies kick in, “good enough is good enough.”

I hope that my family, friends and everyone else in our great big world will get to experience and celebrate many more memorable Leap Years in our lives.

Wherever this finds you, I hope your 2024 Leap Day/Year has been and continues to be a meaningful one.

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It’s been awhile since I dreamt of, or at least remember dreaming of, my dad.

I was in a small gift shop type store, which sold dance apparel, shoes and accessories, as well as toys, and struck up a conversation with another person who was shopping there. I recall the person had a shopping basket they were carrying and appeared to be buying a child size pair of tap shoes. I vaguely recall them sharing it was their child’s first pair of tap shoes. The person and I were chatting a lot while we were both shopping in this one area of the store. We were standing in front of a tall open shelving unit that looked like the type a lot of people have in basement storage areas, including our family.

At one point the person took a Scooby-Doo themed View-Master toy down from the top shelf. In that moment I realized that the entire time I’d been in the store I hadn’t looked up as high as the top shelves, as I must’ve been both window shopping and looking at my phone. The person and I then briefly talked about mobile phone culture and how that leads to people not looking up as often.

A note about the Scooby-Doo View-Master, I am fascinated that this one very specific detail stuck out in my memory of my dream soon after I woke up. Also, I didn’t actually know or remember there was such a thing and looked it up this morning. This is what I found. The one in my dream was shaped differently, more like the traditional red View-Master design and I think it had more Scooby-Doo purple on it’s exterior. However, I am still amused that such a thing even existed in the first place.

Now to the part of the dream which in Dad showed up… I think I *saw* him a few times moving through the store, we made eye contact and smiled at each other. It seemed crowded in those moments, which in retrospect seems odd, as I don’t recall others being in the store before that. He was walking unassisted, without a cane or rollator, as he used later in his life. I have a vague memory of walking through the store at one point and encountering Dad, we sort of bumped shoulders as we passed each other.

Then, right before our alarm went off this morning, I was moving to a different section of the store, away from where the person and I had been standing and chatting, though I could still see them nearby/ahead of me shopping. I saw my Dad again and this time he was smiling with his mouth closed, as he did sometimes. I said, “Hi” out loud. That detail seemed meaningful to me, that I said it out loud, as opposed to quietly to myself. I might have even gently hugged him, as I had that sense when I reflected on what happened in my dream.

I remember in that moment (after speaking the word “Hi” out loud to my dad) saying to the person I’d been chatting with earlier (as it occurred to me they probably couldn’t see my dad), “you can’t see him.” I think I was trying to confirm that they couldn’t see him. And then I followed that statement up with something like, “that’s because he’s dead.” I recall kind of smiling too myself and being somewhat amused.

I woke up soon after that.

It was such a small sweet glimpse of my dad and I will take it.

This experience also reminded me that have yet to dream of my mom since she died.

I had two years and 12 days to grieve my dad’s death before Mom died. Since then, seven months and four days ago, my grief has been mostly focused on missing her, though at times my grief for both of them intermingles.

I was always conscious while Mom was still alive, after Dad died, of not talking too much about my grief for him around her, as I wanted to be clear how grateful I was that she was still here.

The first time I dreamt of dad after he died was two years and four days ago (2/15/22), about 7 1/2 months after he died.

The second and only other time was on 6/27/22, almost a year after he died:

I rarely remember my dreams these days. Earlier on in my life, as navigated grief with a strong progressive Catholic faith, I might have believed encounters like this were a sign from my dad, God or both. However, at this age and stage, when I identify more as agnostic, I am not sure what to make of such magical dreams.

I still hope for and find comfort in the possibility of an afterlife and I’ve come to appreciate other ways to *communicate* and feel connected to my parents and other loved ones who I can’t see (in the literal sense) anymore, especially if their existence/souls have not continued in some way after they died.

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