Last Friday our family went to dinner at one of our local favorites, Fat Shallot, and since the weather was nice we got to eat outside on the back patio. When I stepped out of the restaurant, after Dad and I finished placing our order, I scanned the tables to see which one your older sibling and you were seated at and was struck by how many young children and families were there, even a seemingly new born baby.
As with so many ages and stages of life, the days when you were little don’t seem like that long ago and at the same time they do.
As you know, this is my favorite video from your preschool years. The sound of your voice when you say, “I’m done mushing,” will forever melt my heart and I never tire of watching it. Many of your antics have continued to delight and amuse me since then, which I appreciate.
And now you are 16.
Another milestone in your life which we are socialized to believe is a big deal.
It can and it doesn’t have to be.
As we talk about regularly in our family, there is so much your dad and I were taught, both explicitly and implicitly, that we’ve come to think about differently now.
I know that you have had that experience throughout your 16 years as well.
As Alanis Morissette sings on her famous Jagged Little Pill album, as well as in the musical we love that was inspired by/adapted from it, in one of my all-time favorite songs:
You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn
In “You Learn,” Alanis recommends getting your heart trampled on, walkin’ around naked in your living room, biting off more than you can chew and sticking your foot in your mouth.
As far as I know, at 16 you have at least 3/4 of those covered.
Since the last time I wrote you a birthday letter, you were in a relationship with your first partner and about six months later experienced your first heartbreak. That was definitely a rollercoaster ride of emotions for you to navigate during your freshman year of high school. Also, you were recently reminded, friends can trample on each others’ hearts and that really sucks too. As you know (in part because I bought you a copy), I recently read and loved Dean Spade’s newest book, Love in a F*cked Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together. I appreciate how he talks about trying to treat friends more like lovers and lovers more like friends.
Getting back to Alanis’s recommendations, you’ve been biting off more than you can chew pretty much your entire life. Dad and I are always trying to get you to recognize your limits and not overprogram your days. I get that is easier said than done, especially when you have so many interests and endeavors you are passionate about — from dance to theater, as well as drawing, knitting, collecting stickers/decorating things with them, learning to play guitar and practicing American Sign Language (ASL).
As far as sticking your foot in your mouth goes, who hasn’t done then more times than we’d like to admit?!
Dad and I try to model staying calm and pausing before responding during difficult or heated exchanges with you and others. That said, we are human and certainly regret things we’ve done and said when we were outside of our Window of Tolerance. I do apologize most of the time when I recognize I’ve overreacted and appreciate the importance of such attempts at repair in relationships. Being a parent is not easy and neither is being a teenager!
You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn
Alanis also encourages swallowing it down, waiting until the dust settles, throwing it down, holding it up, waiting and seeing when the smoke clears, wearing it out and melting it down.
I find some of those confusing and others worthwhile bits of analogic wisdom to consider.
Probably the biggest highlight of the last year for you and our family of four was our long awaited, rescheduled (from August 2020) and epic trip this summer to England!
Dad and I were recently talking about how whenever people ask us how it went we don’t even know where to begin. As, we covered a lot of ground in 25 days (plus the three bonus ones that were added on our delayed journey home). From London to the Cotswolds, Bath, Southampton, Manchester, Liverpool, York, the Lake District and an expected few hours in Dublin’s fair city, it was a truly incredible experience.
There were so many highlights, including visits to lots of museums, cathedrals and other historical sites. We also took in a good amount of “entertainment tourism” related to Ted Lasso, Harry Potter, Downton Abbey and The Beatles. Though you, nor I, are big fans of the British monarchy, I appreciated your fascination with history related to that during our time there. Also, how cool was it when we met the international group of deaf and hard of hearing people at a pub in Stow-on-the-Wold, who were on vacation together, that we proceeded to run into three more times in Bath and then at Stonehenge?! You got to use ASL to communicate with them, though some spoke BSL and other variations.
You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn
In this age of generative artificial intelligence (AI), I asked ChatGPT to “please give me your Top Ten tips for a young person turning 16.” This is what it said:
Turning 16 is such an exciting milestone! Here are my Top Ten Tips for someone entering this stage of life:
1. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
At 16, people start to expect more from you. Whether it’s at school, with friends, or at home, own your decisions and their consequences. This is when you build character and start shaping the person you’ll become.2. Learn Financial Basics
Whether it’s saving a bit of your allowance, getting your first job, or learning how to budget, understanding how to manage money early will set you up for success later. You don’t need to know everything now, but start paying attention.3. Develop Good Study Habits
School can get harder as you grow, and time management will become key. Find a study routine that works for you—one that doesn’t just involve cramming, but actually helps you understand and retain what you’re learning.4. Explore Your Passions
You’re at an age where you can try out different things—sports, arts, music, coding, writing, or even starting a side hustle. Don’t just stick to what’s comfortable; explore new activities that spark your interest.5. Practice Self-Care
You don’t have to have everything figured out, but taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health is a must. Find activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it’s working out, reading, journaling, or spending time with people who lift you up.6. Be Aware of Your Digital Footprint
Social media is a huge part of life at 16, but remember that everything you post is permanent. Think before you share, and be mindful of how your online actions reflect who you are and the reputation you’re building.7. Be Kind to Yourself
You might not always have it all together, and that’s okay. It’s normal to make mistakes, change your mind, or not always have a clear path forward. Be patient with yourself and learn from your experiences rather than being hard on yourself.8. Build Meaningful Relationships
Friendships are important at any age, but 16 is a time when you’ll likely have more independence. Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you, and don’t be afraid to let go of toxic relationships.9. Learn How to Drive (or Prepare to!)
If you haven’t already, start learning how to drive! It opens up so many opportunities for independence. Even if you’re not ready to take the wheel yet, being prepared can make the process less stressful when the time comes.
10. Dream Big, But Take Small Steps
It’s easy to get caught up in the big picture of what you want for your future. Set big goals, but break them down into manageable steps. The key is progress, not perfection.And most importantly, enjoy being 16! It’s a time to learn, grow, and have some fun along the way. You’ve got this!
Not bad, ChatGPT!
I concur with those tips and though I use gen AI in moderation in my personal and professional life, I see the value and I understand the harm it can do.
Pivoting from AI to hugs (as one does), you know how much I love them and, as you recently noticed, apparently when I am not in a particularly cuddly mood I tend to pat/tap your back with one hand until you release our embrace. That was an amusing thing for you to pick up on and for me to become aware of, which we now joke about often.
That said, I am grateful that you still want to cuddle and connect with me in various other ways, as you move further into your adolescent years. I try to be present in those moments and, in retrospect, better understand why that was difficult for my parents at times when I was your age.
Two and four years since Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin’s deaths, it still feels surreal to be living in a world without their earthly presence. I am grateful that we speak about them and our memories frequently, as well as to imagine what they would think/say about all that has happened since each of them died — both on a macro (worldwide/national) and micro (our community/family/friends) level. I know they would be so proud of and impressed with who you are today. Of course, they’d also have plenty of feedback and advice to share. They were both so wise and had such wonderful insights about how to live and navigate the world, which I will continue to do my best to recall and pass on to you when the spirit moves me.
While on the topic of those who have gone before us, as time marches on, we don’t wonder and speak as much as we used to about who Molly might be today if they had lived longer. That said, it felt important for me to mention your other sibling who could have turned 17 this year and be a senior in high school. So many things can be true at the same time and I try not to perseverate on how our life and family might be different with another living child.
There is so much more that I could write/share here and at the speed of life right now, it’s okay for me to wrap this up.
One of my current favorite quotes, which helps to ground me, is:
“Be here for what is here.”
Dean Spade shares it in his latest book, which I mentioned earlier. Dean shares more context around it, in the conclusion of that book (which I still highly recommend you read):
“One question often guides me when I am stuck — What am I so afraid of being seen doing, that I am willing to limit my steps toward what I want in life?
The Romance Myth is a lie. There is no happily ever after coming. There never was. Instead, there is the possibility of being here for what’s here, of treating others and ourselves as well as we can, of experiencing the thrills available in intimacy, collaboration, collective resistance and belonging.
Let’s be here for what is here together, in this gorgeous, fucked up, world.”
Birthday Gail, please know that I will be here for what is here with you, in this incredibly beautiful and messed up world, for as long as I am able. I look forward to watching you learn through it all, as you continue to grow and evolve during this next wonderful year of your life.
You grieve, you learn
You choke, you learn
You laugh, you learn
You choose, you learn
You pray, you learn
You ask, you learn
You live, you learn
Happy Birthday, dear Abigail Grace!
I love you so much!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Leaving you with one of my favorite photos of the two of us from our adventure in England this summer — when we visited Jane Austen’s home in Chawton, during this 250th anniversary of her birth (on December 16, 1775)!
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