Our First Pregnancy Loss (20 Years Later)

20 years ago today, on December 1, 2004, we experienced our first miscarriage.

I was about seven weeks pregnant, with an estimated due date (EDD) of July 20, 2005.

Sean was 13 months old when I tested positive with a home pregnancy test on November 10, 2004. We were trying and I was anxious to know. Thus, I didn’t wait long after I missed my period.

Sean and that baby would’ve been about 22 months apart in age and likely one year in school. I recall that bothering me a bit initially. For some reason, I thought it could be a bit weird. I also remember after we miscarried briefly wondering if I wasn’t excited enough, allowing myself to dwell on things like that.

Somehow two decades have come and gone since then.

We went on to get pregnant two more times in the year to follow, one ended in a very early miscarriage (in August 2005) and the other turned out to be an interstitial ectopic pregnancy which had to be surgically removed before it ruptured and could’ve endangered my life (in November 2005).

That was still over a year before we were referred to/began working with a reproductive endocrinologist and trying to conceive via assisted reproductive technology, which also led to my starting this blog in April 2007.

There is so much more to the story of our family, especially our journey with Molly, who died the day she was born (in April 2008), followed by the arrival of our rainbow/miracle child Gail, who turned 15 in September this year. Not to mention Sean, who turned 21 in October!

Time really does fly…

I looked for posts that I wrote over the years in which I referred to our first pregnancy loss and may add more in the future to this blog entry, if/when I come across more:

Always in Our Hearts: For Molly and Babies Benson (10/15/2012)

7 Years (12/11/2011)

Mixed Feelings (11/10/2011)

Right Where I Am: 3 Years, 1 Month, 4 Weeks (6/14/2011)

Who You’d Be Today (10/15/2008)

Background (4/10/2007)

I don’t have a lot more to say about this milestone and also felt compelled to share something here about it.

Sending lots of love to all those who have experienced miscarriage and/or other forms of pregnancy or baby loss. Though I don’t believe everything happens for a reason or that we need to try to find silver linings when we are grieving, I do think we can find meaning as we navigate difficult, uncertain and painful times in our lives. Our journey through secondary infertility and loss had such a big impact on who our family is and I am today, thus I took time to write about this.