‘Cause when you’re fifteen…
Can you believe it?
Today you are fifteen!
I was going to borrow/reuse some of the post I wrote for your older sibling Sean on their 15th Birthday six years ago, using lyrics from the awesome song 100 Years by Five for Fighting, as I felt they fit/apply to you at this age and stage of life as well.
However, then I came across a post on Instagram yesterday, from a friend whose child was born the day before you. They were celebrating their 15th birthday in the post and had added Taylor Swift’s song Fifteen.
Say what?!
Did I know that TS had such a song?
I am not sure.
That said, of course I had to find out more!
After spending some time learning about it, including listening, reviewing the lyrics and exploring the backstory, I knew that would be the one for your 15th Birthday post here.
Also, it didn’t hurt that TS mentions her bestie, whose name is none other than ABIGAIL (with red hair) in the song!
This birthday blog post is an extra labor of love this year, as (you know) your mom is composing it while on Day 5 of navigating life with benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), that was somehow triggered towards the end of my recent work trip to London (which prior to that was awesome). BPPV is not fun/I do not recommend it.
Your 15th year was a doozy with lots of high points and a many low ones too. Though you could probably say that about any and every year of your life (and anyone’s for the matter), the older you get the more aware you tend to be.
Let’s start with some of the highs…
You graduated from 8th grade at Haven Middle School in Evanston! Hooray and go Northstars!
I know I am a broken record about this subject and I never dreamed (until several years ago) that you and I would attend/graduate from the same middle and high schools! I love that you are now a 9th grader/freshperson at ETHS! Go Wildkits!
You had some wonderful experiences with your dance classes at Dance Center Evanston (Tap, Modern, Jazz, Hip Hop, Ballet, Pointe and Cecchetti) and the annual recital weekend in June at the North Shore Center for the Performing Arts, as well as being a member of/performer with ede2 (dance company for 7th and 8th graders) for the second year. Dad, Sean and I, as well as Grandma and Grandpa Benson, Sheila, Pete and Chris all love to watch you perform on stage and are grateful for the many opportunities we had to see you do so during your 15th year!
You also had some humbling experiences related to dance, as you were not invited to join the Evanston Dance Ensemble (EDE) high school dance company (affiliated with ede2), as you anticipated and hoped to be. That was both heartbreaking and a learning opportunity, as you tried to understand what happened and why.
It seemed like the universe was nudging you more in the direction of acting. which you also really enjoy doing, and had been struggling with whether to focus as much on dance in high school anyway. So to some degree our family thought, “Gail will audition for (and get to be in) the Freshman/Sophomore Fall Play at ETHS!” And then… You didn’t make that! Ugh.
Again, it was a mix of extreme disappointment and also (maybe) some more lessons to be learned related to effort and preparation when trying out for and participating in things, especially at the high school level.
All of this led to more PIVOTING!!!
From not dancing as much as you expected, to not getting to act on stage as you hoped, to doing something you never really considered = YAMO Croo!
Those may sound like nonsensical words to those who don’t speak the language of E-town.
So for the lay people out there and according to ETHS’s website: “YAMO is a musical sketch comedy revue that is written, directed, choreographed, scored, produced, performed, critiqued, revised and perfected by ETHS students.”
It’s definitely a full circle moment for me (as your mom) to be able to *allow* you to do YAMO Croo (a.k.a. Stage Crew) as a 9th grader, when you didn’t make EDE or the Frosh/Soph Fall Play, knowing that I wasn’t *allowed* (by my parents) to do it as a 9th grader, after I didn’t make YAMO Dance. I know they had good intentions and were worried about how I would do academically (something we are concerned about with you too at times) if I was too busy after school. We didn’t know yet/at the time (in 1989, also the year TS was born), that I actually did better/managed my time more effectively when I was busier (such as with extracurriculars), which is still the case (after I returned to the traditional workforce full time in 2021).
Other highlights from your 15th year?!
Most definitely getting to return to Camp Echo for a full two weeks with Voyagers at Outpost! It was bittersweet for you to be back with the memories of learning there last summer on July 12th, just a few days after you arrived, that Grandma Jacquie was dying, and you were able to have a wonderful and meaningful experience overall. You made some great friends and had some really cool adventures there.
Then you came home and got COVID! Because, the universe thought it would it be fun for our family to get it three different times this summer, as opposed to all at once. It super sucked to have to cancel so many plans and activities you and we had been really looking forward to. You were a great sport when we had to cancel your 8th Grade Graduation Party not once, but twice — due to Sean having COVID and then later Dad and me getting it, at the end of our awesome Hilton Head Island (HHI) vacation! You (and we) also had to miss out on 4th of July celebrations, as that is when you had it. Ugh (again).
We did have a marvelous time on HHI — for two weeks this year, though it was not the same (and sad) without Grandma Jacquie and Grandpa Kevin with us. It was hard to believe it had been five years since our last Axe family trip there/with them. We had a lot of awesome adventures there before COVID hit the 50% of our family (including me, for the first time since the pandemic began) that had not been stricken yet this summer, including bike rides, beach days/riding waves in the ocean/building sand castles, yummy meals, visits to Harbour Town to see/hear Gregg Russell perform, golfing (mostly Dad and me, but you did participate in that exhibition/get chosen for a short lesson on the spot!) and (of course) spending time with our Hunt family (many of whom live there).
What else?
In addition to physical health challenges, including getting COVID in early July and not feeling well towards the end of last week and earlier this week (you are not back to 100% yet today, though you did return to school/extracurriculars), you also navigated mental health challenges this year. This is not new for you or our family and I admire how you are often able to be self aware and advocate for the support that you need. Dad, Sean and I love you so much and are proud of you for both asking for and be willing to receive help. You have come a long way this year on that front and we know it has not been an easy journey.
Certainly one of the best things this year brought you was a closer relationship with a really good friend, that you met through a shared love of dance, and whom with you ride bikes to school most mornings, hang out often, have sleepovers and do many things together that you haven’t gotten to do as much of since the pandemic hit in early 2020 and then we moved to E-town in 2022. We are so glad you two have this connection and we really enjoy spending time with M when she is around/at our house!
You had some opportunities to babysit for the super cute 5 YRO and 3 YRO neighbor boys who live next door! You love both the experience of getting to spend time with them and the fruits of your labor = spending money! This also led to you being asked to be a face painter at one of the two block parties our family got invited to this summer (neither of which was actually held on the block we live on), since their mom was helping to plan one of them.
You still love to sketch and draw and are taking cartooning as an elective your first semester of high school, along with American Sign Language (ASL) as your chosen language. You’ll take theater in place of cartooning second semester. You also seem to be enjoying and learning a lot in your other general/core classes (including Biology, Geometry, Humanities — English and History, Advisory and Physical Education).
To say your room is a MESS, would be an understatement! So that is something you can definitely work on in your 16th year. Not to mention, getting your drivers permit… AHHH! How exciting and also scary is that?!
Speaking of scary things, you introduced our family to the TV series School Spirits and the (not so scary) Heartstopper (based on the graphic novels), both of which we all really enjoyed watching together. You are like a Heartstopper evangelist and I get it! It is a wonderful love story (more so stories) that is so relatable, especially in these more open minded/hearted times to be a teenager. How excited are you for Season 3 to be released soon and for the trailer to come out on your birthday today?!
And now circling back to the author/composer of Fifteen, the soundtrack of your 15th year was in large part songs by Taylor Swift, especially her newest album The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD)! You got a TS TTPD inspired cardigan for your 8th Grade Graduation gift and a TS Folklore inspired cardigan for your 15th Birthday gift today. From live streaming Eras Tour stops to playing Mastermind on the Swift Alert app, while competing against each other (and hundreds of thousands fellow Swifties), we sure had a lot of fun with our shared love for her music and antics! We are happy for her that she found love again with Travis Kelce and enjoy following what they allow us to see of their relationship. She has come along way since she wrote Fifteen, apparently when she was 18 and reflecting on how it felt.
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now
Who doesn’t want to be wanted?!
I know I’ve shared with you before, that when I was around your age, I desperately wanted a partner and to be “in love.” However, if someone *liked* me, I tended to write it off as character flaw on their part and found it safer to have crushes on those who were equally unlikely to find me to be a suitable mate for them. How silly is that?!
One of my biggest regrets is not giving some people who were interested in me a chance, as I think we would’ve had fun together and I was too young to be taking myself so seriously (Thank you, Indigo Girls, for helping me get Closer to Fine)! However, that is easy for your 49 year old mom to say with hindsight.
Oh, to be able to go back and tell yourself what you know now at any age and stage of life… Can you imagine?! It would be so cool! And yet, as we learned from Being Erica, having the ability to revisit some of our regrets and/or get another chance to make a different choice doesn’t mean that life would be easier or even better.
In reviewing the post I wrote for Sean six years ago, I came across these words and didn’t feel the need to come up with new ones, as they still hold true. So, to quote 2018 me:
“Thank you for all you have taught me over the past 15 years. It’s true that I learn as much, or more, from being your mom, as you learn from Dad and me raising you.
It’s hard for me not to have expectations, for you and your experience during your high school/teenage years. And I am realizing that what I might want or hope for you may not be the same as what you want for yourself. And that’s more than okay.
This is your life.
Not a chance for me to have a do over through you…
That doesn’t mean I can’t live vicariously through you at times, which I do.
And I will still try to share some of the lessons I’ve learned, the hard way, when I was your age and beyond.
I get how important it is for you to learn, mostly from the choices you make and the paths you take, on your own.
You will make mistakes.
You will have regrets.
But, every day’s a new day.
And you will be what/whomever you decide you to be.”
And now to quote TS from again…
But I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen
I agree that time can heal a lot, including many aspects of our experiences with grief and loss (which you’ve had to deal with much of, as a bereaved sibling of Molly and grandchild of Grandma and Grandpa Axe). However, I will take issue (as I tend to do) with TS suggesting that she was *supposed* to be anyone or anything. I don’t believe that our lives are predestined or determined. As I already shared in quoting 2018 me, I do think you/we get to decide, though certainly some people are born into lives of more or less privilege, oppression and marginalization. Though, in reconsidering what TS is saying here, she may be suggesting that finding “who we are supposed to be” is another way of choosing.
Okay, well, I am tired and want to share this before your birthday is over. So that’s is all for this year’s tribute to you on another September 17th, which is a very happy day!
I love you so much, dear Abigail Grace, and feel so blessed and lucky that I get to be your mom and that you are part of our family!
Happy 15th Birthday! Cheers to another wonderful and meaningful year in your life!
Love,
Mom
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