I woke up this morning around 3:30 a.m., as I often do, to go to the bathroom. As I was rousing to get out of bed, I realized that I had been dreaming about my dad. I didn’t want to forget what details were fresh in my mind, so I typed what I could recall into the notes app on my phone, before solving today’s Wordle (in 6, as it was a doozy and I was groggy), and then falling back to sleep briefly, before our regular 5:00 a.m. alarm went off.
This is what I was able to remember and convey, while half awake. Though I could edit more for clarity and flow, I am keeping it (mostly) as is, to truly capture my experience:
I dreamt that Dad “woke up” from being dead. I’ve never had such a vivid dream about someone who died. I can still picture the first moment I realized he had come back to life. He was sitting on the floor and propping himself up with his arms behind him and his legs out in front of him and smiling! We told him that he had died and we didn’t understand it, but we rolled with it.
The whole time I/we were aware that it could end at any moment. I remember at one point wondering and maybe asking if we should check in with a medical professional about what happened and how long they thought he might be able to live again.
I remember he seemed both full of life and still fairly frail, but not super frail. I remember at one point I left something behind somewhere and wanted to run and get it and I think I gave him a big hug, just in case he died again while I was gone. I don’t vividly recall the hug, but I recall as we were coming out of the hug our arms and hands kind of slid to where our hands/fingers were just touching and then our fingers kind of let go and we were looking at each other and smiling. This happened on Oakley Ave. (the street that we live on) I think? Maybe in between our house and neighbors/friends who live down the block. At one point I recall being inside their house.
I think I had left my camera and/or phone there and wanted to grab it, so I could take pictures with Dad. I think that is when I was saying sort of goodbye to him with the hug/embrace fingers sliding apart and smiling thing happened. I think I felt conflicted between wanting to be able to take pictures and not wanting to leave him, in case he died again soon.
It was a happy dream. It wasn’t scary. It seemed to go on for awhile. Mom was definitely there and I think Meg and Gail, maybe others. I am not really sure where we were, maybe Beverly (our SW Chicago neighborhood) at some points?
Towards the end I think we were sitting around a table for a meal, maybe even at a restaurant. Aunt Denny (Dad’s youngest sibling/sister, who died two weeks ago tomorrow) might’ve even been there, I vaguely recall that. I also remember at one point wanting to take a picture/selfie with Dad to remember when this all happened, being aware that I didn’t know when it would end. At the table I was getting ready to take pictures of Dad with “everyone” and was going to start with him and Mom, as they were definitely sitting next to each other.
The general feeling was disbelief and gratitude for having more time together and also not knowing how long it might last or how we should be behaving. I am not sure in the dream how much time had passed since he died, as we just kinda rolled with it, as we were so happy to have him back. He seemed less fragile in the dream then right before he died, but not fully healthy or mobile. His demeanor was good, though I don’t recall much conversation.
At one moment I vaguely recall wondering if he might like to watch the eulogy I gave for him. So I was constantly aware that he had died and come back to life. I think I woke up during the time around the table, when I was going to try to take pictures. I haven’t remembered this much about a dream in a long time.
At one point, as I was typing this in the notes app on my phone, it autocorrected a word that started with the letter “E” and made it “Easter,” and I thought, “kind of!” Later, when I relayed that to Bob, he joked, “screw this three days thing!” That cracked me up, thinking about Dad waiting over seven months to rise from the dead and appear to me, unlike Jesus (who supposedly was more efficient)! Then Bob joked if I’d check Dad’s grave/tomb, to see if his body was still there, when I was in Evanston today (taking Gail to their dance class and visiting my mom).
Interestingly, while visiting Mom, during Gail’s dance class, our goal was to go through the rest of Dad’s clothes, with my sister Meg on FaceTime, that we hadn’t already sorted, to decide what we wanted to keep and what we would donate. On some level, I knew that bittersweet activity would be happening this morning and wonder if that was in play, in my subconscious, when I dreamt of Dad.
Also, I spent time with a friend earlier this week, who also lost a loved one that they were very close to, unexpectedly, in recent years. That friend shared that they often still think/feel as if their loved one is going to come back. My friend’s vision really resonated with and moved me. So I am wondering if that idea of our loved ones who have died, “coming back,” also got into my head/subconscious and worked its way into my dream about my dad.
We move to our new house in, my hometown of, Evanston three weeks from today. It feels so surreal, exciting and scary to be making this change. It is bittersweet that Dad will never get to set foot in our new place and I also know that he will always be on our minds and in our hearts. During times like these, “both/and” really helps me, remembering that more than one thing can be true at a time.
I hope that I get to have more dreams like this, in the not too distant future, where Dad (and maybe even other loved ones who left this world too soon) visit. I know that in theory we all dream every time we sleep long enough, however lately it’s rare that I recall much, if anything. When I was younger I used to remember more what I dreamt of. Thus, I am all the more appreciative that my middle-aged body woke me to use the bathroom during this one with Dad, so I got to remember so much of it.
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