I intended to start this with a line from a song that I love, called Jack & Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp. It’s about holding on to “16 as long as you can, (because) changes come around real soon (that) make us women and men.”
I was going to write about how magical this time in life your can be, with many challenges too.
But then yesterday morning happened, when we found out about your longtime friend D’s untimely death, which reminds me that those kinds of changes don’t always wait until you’re an adult.
Its things like losing friends and realizing how no one is promised tomorrow, that Mr. Mellencamp was singing about.
In fact, you’ve been learning about grief and loss from a young age, because of your baby sister Molly’s death when you were 4 1/2.
Life can really hurt sometimes.
This is one of those times.
Even on your birthday.
I can’t help but think about how D’s mom won’t get to celebrate his 16th birthday with him here. Survivor’s guilt is a thing and it’s natural for me, you, and/or anyone to feel that way after the death of a loved one.
I feel incredibly blessed and lucky to have you as my son and that you made it to this milestone birthday.
That said, I don’t think D’s family and all those who love him, including you, is any less blessed, that they have to experience this heartbreaking loss.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason and haven’t since Molly’s death.
Sometimes these things happens and they suck.
Life can be really unfair.
You know that already, but unfortunately it is a lesson that you’ll get to repeat over and over again throughout your life.
I am so sorry that this week is now about a lot more than ushering in and celebrating this next year in your life.
I am sad that the last time you saw and spoke with D, a few weeks ago, was the last time you’ll be together in this lifetime. I’m also grateful that you have that recent memory to carry with you.
To help me transition to reflecting more on this past year in your life and what is to come, I’ll reference your favorite book series. I am so glad that I finally finished reading all of the Harry Potter books, along with Abby, so now I can really appreciate why you’ve loved them so much all these years.
The way J.K. Rowling addresses grief and loss, along with many other aspects of navigating life, really speaks to me and I imagine her words will continue help guide you, as you learn to live without those, like your friend D, who left this world much too soon. I love that you continue to participate in the Harry Potter Club at school and return to the books in the series over and over again, because they mean so much to you.
This past year in your life has been an adventure, that’s for sure!
It’s cliche to say (yes, I rhymed!), but you really have come a long way from this time last year, especially socially.
We were so happy that you found a really good friend that you clicked with during your Freshman year at Jones! You two have so much in common and both his family and ours was so happy when you met and hit it off.
That said, we are glad that in the last month or so you’ve decided to work on developing relationships with more of your classmates, in part so that you can experience what it’s like having those connections with others, as well as high school life with a mix of friends.
I continue to be amazed by your confidence, something I don’t think was ever that strong for me, when I was a teenager. From trying out for big roles in musicals at the Beverly Arts Center and in getting cast as leads in High School Musical Jr. (Troy Bolton) and Mamma Mia (Pepper) to approaching classmates/acquaintances at school, to ask if you can join them for lunch, I am so proud of how you put yourself out there when you really want to accomplish something.
You’ve definitely been channeling your inner Lloyd Dobbler lately. Which you can now appreciate the reference to, since I started introducing you to Say Anything the other day. We still need to get back to that.
I wonder what the present day version of holding a boombox over your head, to get someone’s attention, would be?
Speaking of music, which I loosely was (ya know, people play songs on a boombox)…
It’s been fun getting to see you perform with the Jones Choir, especially when, at the spring concert, you all sang “You Will Be Found” from Dear Evan Hansen, which we got to see again when the national tour of the musical came to Chicago. I am also super psyched that your teacher/director bumped you up from beginning to the highest level/Concert Choir this school year, which will give you more opportunities to perform, including at big school events, such as the Open House later this month and graduation at the end of the school year, next June.
I didn’t set out to make this birthday letter to you totally musical themed, but I guess, considering how much our family loves going to see live theater (especially musicals) and that you really like to sing in the choir and perform in musical theater productions yourself, it works.
In the chorus of Mr. Mellencamp’s song, Jack & Diane, he pontificates about how “life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.”
On that note, I take issue.
I agree, life does go on, no matter how many times we get knocked down, have to face the deaths of loved ones, or navigate other painful experiences. And that is far from easy, regardless of how old you are.
However, from my vantage point, at 44, I’ve always tried not to lose that thrill of living. I relish in finding the thrilling aspects of most things I do or experience.
You know how easily amused I can be and how excited I get about simple pleasures, as well as the many “Traveling Bensons” family adventures we have together, like our trips this year to Universal Orlando Resort in Florida, Door County, Wisconsin, Gatlinburg, Tennessee/the Great Smoky Mountains and Hilton Head Island, South Carolina! All of which were thrilling, from our hikes to roller coasters and 4D rides!
My wish for you, as you enter this next year of your life, is that you continue to be open to new experiences and embrace the thrill of living every day.
Being your mom is most definitely a thrilling ride, not unlike being on a roller coaster.
I’m sure you see where I am going with this.
Whether you are heading up an incline slowly approaching a peak in your life, rushing down a hill with intense momentum, feel like you are going around in circles, or some other appropriate roller coaster analogy that I can’t think of right now, your dad and I will be here to support, comfort and cheer you on.
As with IRL, that may be with both sets of our feet firmly on the ground, because you know neither of us are big roller coaster riders, as opposed to in the seat next to you. But know that we’ll always be watching as you enjoy the ride and will be waiting for you when you are done.
I hope 16 is your best and most wonderful year yet!
I can’t believe it won’t be long before you get behind the wheel of a car (that isn’t in a video game) for the first time.
As I wrap this up, I realize that there are many things and people I’d usually have mentioned by now, but sometimes we can’t, or choose not to, fit everything and everyone in at the same time. It took me awhile to really grasp how important it is to prioritize and to have boundaries both with our time and who we opt to spend that with. It is a lesson I am still learning.
Though I didn’t bring some of them up, I think you know how much your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends (who are like family), love you. I also believe that in some way your baby sister Molly continues to be proud of her big brother and has a sense of how your life is going.
Your younger sister Abby absolutely adores you, as one of our friends pointed out, when I shared this picture of you holding up her birthday gift to you this morning, we can see just how much by the way she looks at you.
So very grateful and proud to be your mom, I am.
Love you so much, I do.
Celebrate you tonight at Jansen’s, we will.
Love,
Mommy
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