Grace and Grief

Seriously, Grey’s Anatomy, for all its quirks and far-fetched storylines, still has my number. No TV show has inspired more blog posts for me. Thanks, Grey’s writing team!

Bob checked out of watching it with me awhile ago, so the episodes accumulate on our DVR and I catch up when I can. Usually that happens during the day, while he’s at work, the kids are at school, and I’m home getting things done around the house.

Today I watched the episode that originally aired last week/on Thursday, November 1st, All Saints Day in the Catholic Church and during the celebration of Dia de Los Muertos. The writers, actors and production people wove Novembering, as some refer to it, well into the storyline.

As someone who has lost many loved ones, who were very dear to me, I appreciate when shows like this take on the subject of grief, specifically how people process and deal with death. I get that everyone has to face loss in ways that work for them. The longer I live and have to bury/make peace with the death of my family and friends, the more I appreciate how important it is for me, and many others, to feel our emotions, our pain, and our sadness.

I also am getting better at remembering with joy, even when it comes to deaths that seemed to arrive way too early for my timing, such as our Molly-girl, some of my friends who had cancer, and those loved ones who died by suicide. I love that part of the tradition of Dia de Los Muertos involves celebration and not only focusing on our sadness.

For those not familiar with how Grey’s episodes are structured, in most cases, Meredith Grey’s character (the show’s primary narrator) opens the show with a monologue introducing a topic or theme. As and aside, I found out somewhere along the way that all Grey’s Anatomy episode titles are taken from actual song titles, which I think is cool. This episode was, “Flowers Grow Out of My Grave.” Anyway, Meredith typically also ends each show with another monologue, wrapping up the various storylines, which are almost always intertwined and related to the theme.

These monologues are always pretty great, in my opinion, however, every once in a while, they knock it out of the park. This was one of those times. From the words to the montage of scenes, that illustrated them, and even the background music, which was a Spanish version of the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, it all fit together wonderfully and really moved me (to tears).

Every religion, every country, every culture, death means something different to all of us. We all have different ideas about how to honor the dead, different ideas about how to grieve, different ways of moving on. Well, I may not be an expert, but I do have some experience with losing people I love. And I say, the right way to grieve? Is however the hell you want.

I also know, especially as my living loved ones and I continue to age, that sometimes we begin our grief before people die. It tends to happen when our family members or friends are sick, so we have a heads up, and we start to face the reality of life after they are gone.

I am realizing it can also happen when those we love aren’t sick, but have been lucky to live long enough to anticipate death, no matter when it may come. Not that we shouldn’t all be somewhat prepared, as we never know what day could be our last in this lifetime.

My parents were visiting this week and I had conversations with each of them that got me choked up. I realized how they’ve both adopted mindsets of acceptance (of the stage of life they are at), not knowing how much time they have left and trying to make the most of that.

We were driving to lunch when my dad mentioned how they’d been going through old pictures of our family, to give to my sister and me, as they get ready to move to a retirement community, when a condo there becomes available (which could still be a year or more off). Dad shared that as they looked at them he really tried to take them in, realizing it might be for the last time.

Wow.

Yeah.

Cue the floodgate opening and tears rolling out, while still trying keep my eyes on the road, since I was the one driving.

Then, while at lunch, I asked how my mom how she was doing, while dad was in the bathroom. Mom commented on trying to be more mindful of/relishing in her time with my dad these days, not knowing when either of them might die, as she wants to spend quality time with her husband, while she still can. I really appreciate her wanting to do that, as it can be easy to slip into perseverating more on the things our spouses do that annoy us, than trying to be positive and see the good.

That’s something I’d started being really intentional about a year or so ago, when spending time with my parents. However, with the stress of day-to-day life and parenting my own children lately, I’ve gotten away from that practice a bit, and it was a good reminder for me, in terms of what I choose to focus on when I am with loved ones, especially my parents.

Coming back to the idea of Novembering, I like the idea of using this month to remember and honor those loved ones who have died (though they are never far from mind). 7 years ago I wrote a post about that and listed the first names some of my family and friends who died. I looked it up the other day and realized how bittersweet it is to see how that list has grown, more names of more people who touched my life and, in some cases, left this world too soon (at least from my perspective at 43), and more grief to work through, while also getting to recall what made them so special.

As I shared in my post on 11/2/11,

At a parish that Bob and I attended in Evanston, before we moved to our Beverly neighborhood here on the southwest side of Chicago, they referred to this experience of mourning the loss and celebrating the lives of loved ones that have gone before us as “Novembering.” I have always liked that term and appreciate what it conjures up for me when I think about it. The weather this time of year seems to reflect many of the feelings we have, when reflecting on the relationships we have lost with those we have loved and cared about who have died.

At our current neighborhood parish part of our “Novembering” includes lighting candles on the alter at our church for all the members of our church who died this year. The candles will remain lit during each Sunday mass throughout the month of November and I think it is such a beautiful way to be reminded of those in our parish who have passed away this year.

Some parishes invite people to bring pictures of their loved ones who have died to display in a special area of the church as yet another way to honor their lives and memories.

On this All Souls Day, I call to mind many of my loved ones who meant so much to me and are no longer here with me on Earth. I do believe that we will be reunited in Heaven one day, but in the meantime I hold their memories close to me in my mind and they will always be in my heart.

Now, as I did, in my 11/2/11 post, here is a (likely incomplete and updated since then) list of first names of loved ones who I am Novembering this month. I may still add to this if and when I recall more people whose lives I want to honor here:

Molly
Babies Benson
Dee
Jack
Bob
Helen
Marge
Howie
Marie
Owen
Mary June
Bill
Dave
Susan
Audrey
Ray
Danny
Margie
Danny
Jane
Bob
Shirley
Will
Mike
Ming Ming
Fr. John
Fr. Bill
Jack
Rosalinda
Mrs. F
Art
Gordon
Kristy
Nina
Jim
Brian
Sasha
Steph
Pat
Mary
Tony
Jeanie
Sam
Mike
Ray
Anne
Peggy

Please feel free to add the names of your loved ones, in the comment section, who I will gladly pray for today and in the weeks to come during this month of remembering. Today I am thinking of and praying for all those who are no longer with us, but have touched our lives and helped shape us to be the people we are today, which I believe is such a remarkable part of their legacies.