Getting Abby to school this morning, more so her gym shoes, was a comedy of errors. I was half way home from dropping her off when she called to say she forgot them. I thought she said she left them in the car, since she was wearing her snow boots. However, when I was half way back to school I realized they weren’t in the car.
So then I drove home to get them and back, again, to school. I encountered no less than 3 freight trains on my journey and finally got home almost an hour after I left to take her to school in the first place, when we live only 5-10 minutes away (depending on traffic and freight trains).
The silver lining in all the time I spent in our car was coming across a new song on the radio called Bigger Picture by Rita Wilson. I know her as an actress (she’s in one of my fav scenes from Sleepless in Seattle), who is married to Tom Hanks, but didn’t realize she also sings. The theme of the song and many of the lyrics speak to me at 43.
Looking through old scrapbooks and memories, trying to remember who I was back then and make peace with how I got where I am today, which includes so much joy, and some pain, along the way, is something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. This was spurned by learning about the death of an old friend and how I have processed that news.
I’ve felt guilty for spending so much time looking back at the past, in recent months, allowing myself to daydream about a relationship from 22 years ago, that ended not long before I met Bob. However, I’ve realized that working through my grief and feelings for my old friend, which led me to revisiting journals that I kept during my semester abroad in London (Spring 1996), is as much about finding myself again (through remembering who I was in my early 20s), as mourning the loss of an old flame (that flickered out long ago).
My therapist has helped me to see that part of what I’ve been grieving is not just the missed opportunity that might’ve been my life, if I’d ended up with him, but more so who I was before I met Bob and we began our life together.
I am so grateful for Bob, our family and the life we have built together AND it is natural to wonder about who I might be today, if things had played out differently, not just if I’d built a life with my old friend.
In reflecting on me at 20-21, I can see what my hopes and dreams were and how I was developing as a young woman. It’s caused me to think about key decisions I’ve made in my adult life, such as choosing to be a stay at home mom when Sean was born. This is all happening at a stage when I am not always sure what my role is, as our kids continue to get older and need me less (or at least in different ways).
Yesterday I was able to add another piece to the puzzle I’ve been putting together, and put something to rest, as I grieve the death of my old friend, which, though bittersweet, is helping me to move forward. This is where Rita’s song found me this morning. So many of her lyrics validate the work I’ve been doing, dusting myself off and putting my pieces back together.
I’ve had many Humpty Dumpty experiences in my 40+ years and will surely have more. Though, unlike the nursery rhyme, somehow I always manage to put myself back together. Each one, though painful, teaches me more about myself and how I fit into the world, especially my corner of it, with family and friends, as well as helps me to “see the bigger picture.”
Here is the music video and lyrics for Rita Wilson’s song Bigger Picture:
Took an old scrapbook off a closet shelf
Dusted off the cover, dusted off myself
Laid it in my lap and I opened it up
To find who I am and who I was
Wonder Woman cape on a wide-eyed girl
Dreams too big for a small town world
Faded red ribbon from my first track meet
Second place never was enough for me
You wanna win but you compromise
You lose yourself in all the lies
Till you’re someone you hardly recognize
Oh, they say you can’t move forward when you’re looking back
But I’m hoping there’s some answers hidden somewhere in the past
Every snapshot memory
Missing piece just might put me back together
Help me see the bigger picture
White corsage, senior prom
Christmas from the year that I lost my mom
Wedding day, waving from the back of a car
Before broken vows and broken hearts
Now I’m time and tears and year removed from a world of hurt I can’t undo
Lost and searching for some kinda clue
Oh, they say you can’t move forward when you’re looking back
But I’m hoping there’s some answers hidden somewhere in the past
Every snapshot memory
Missing piece just might put me back together
Help me see the bigger picture
The girl I thought I was isn’t lost in yesterday
Am I strong enough to turn another page?
Oh, they say you can’t move forward when you’re looking back
But I found a couple answers hidden right here in my past
Every snapshot memory
Missing piece just might put me back together
Help me see the bigger picture
Oh, the bigger picture
Took an old scrapbook off a closet shelf
Dusted off the cover, dusted off myself
Wherever this finds you, I wish you peace and comfort, especially when you find yourself revisiting your past, for whatever reason(s), as you continue to figure out who you are, what works for you, and/or, as Rita sings, try to “see the bigger picture.”
{ 0 comments… add one now }