It Never Ends

I can still smell the soap on my hands as I type this.

It’s one of many triggers I experience every time I go there.

But it’s worth it.

The soap in the dispensers everywhere at Christ Medical Center smells the same.

Whether you are visiting a patient, you are the patient, you just had a baby, you just lost a baby, you are attending a support group meeting, or for any other reason… If you go to the bathroom and wash your hands there, they will smell the same.

It’s the third Monday of the month and thus I was there for Caring Connection, our perinatal bereavement support group.

I have gone there monthly for eight years. I have certainly missed months over the years. But it has continued to a be a safe haven for me, a place where I can go to tell my story, and to speak their names (Molly and Babies Benson).

At Caring Connection there is no right or wrong way to feel and we help each other to heal.

Eight years later, I am stronger.

Eight years later, I am there to pay it forward.

Eight years later, I am still learning new things on my journey as a bereaved parent.

Tonight, one of our members, Jim (who gave me his permission to use his name and part of his story), shared about a turning point in his grief journey, as a bereaved father.

Jim and his wife Kristina’s third child, their beloved daughter Kelsey, was stillborn in August 2010.

Jim told us how one day he realized that, even though they have gone on to have two more beautiful and healthy, living children, he is going to be the father of a child who died for the rest of his life.

Grief isn’t something he was going to get through, or get over, rather it is something he needs to learn to accept.

It never ends.

Being a bereaved dad will always be a part of Jim’s life.

And Jim chooses to try to make Kelsey proud of him, with how he lives his life.

I believe that he makes his baby girl very proud.

Being a bereaved mom will always be a part of my life too.

And I love the idea of trying to make Molly and Babies Benson proud of me, in addition to our living children (Sean and Abby), with how I live my life.

If you are reading this and have lost a child (at any age), a spouse, or another loved one left this world too soon, I hope that this brings you some validation, peace, and comfort.

Wherever you are on your grief journey, please know that you are not alone. There are others who are grieving too and slowly learning to accept their new reality.

I will leave you with a quote that Jim also shared with us tonight. He told us that it is one of his wife Kristina’s favorites.

Though I love quotes and have collected them for years, I somehow never heard this one until tonight. Itt really captures how I feel about being a bereaved mother. I hope it helps those who don’t understand to get some insight into why it is so important for us to keep our children’s memories alive.

“When a baby is born, a mother’s instinct is to protect them.
When a baby dies, a mother’s instinct is to protect their memory.”
~ Anonymous