Recently a friend was sharing a story about her life and family. She mentioned that when she was younger she never imagined getting married and having kids, let alone four of them. At some point she said that she figures its “what God wanted” for her and that is how she ended up where she is now.
As someone that always imagined getting married and having kids, ideally four of them (but I was open more), it was bittersweet for me to listen to her story, as in some ways she has the life I dreamed of. As I have shared here, for the most part I have made peace with how my life has played out so far. I feel blessed and lucky to be married to my husband and have two incredible living children and another very special angel watching over us. However, what strikes me most about all of this is that my friend believes that God “wants” certain things for us.
I respect and appreciate my friend’s perspective, as I used to think that way too. I do believe that God wants us to be happy, to make the most of the gifts we have been given, as well as to love and care for others. But I have trouble embracing the idea that God wants very specific things for us, such as how many children we will be able to have.
I get that if you have not experienced infertility or the death of a child that it may be easier to buy into this way of thinking. In some ways it is safe and makes things less complicated. However, after my own personal experience, it just doesn’t work for or make sense to me.
I used to think that God has a grand plan for all of us, and especially me, but I am not so sure anymore. Though I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, I think that we can try to find and/or make something good come from every challenge and trial we are faced with in life.
I try not to judge those who embrace this kind of theology, as I was right there with them, not very long ago. Whenever something didn’t go as I hoped, dreamed or planned that it would, I would console myself with “it must not have been part of God’s plan for me and my life. If I am patient, eventually I will find out the reason why this happened (or didn’t happen).”
I realize that we will likely never truly know “what God wants” for us until we die. At least that is what I believe. I am in no hurry to get there and find out, but when my time comes, it is one of the questions that I look forward to hopefully finding the answer to in the afterlife.
The older I get and the more life experience I have, the harder I find it to reconcile some of the things I used to believe about how and why things happen the way they do. Though I wish I had the answers, I am getting better at learning to accept and make peace with the idea that I don’t and will probably never have them in this lifetime.
I do believe in God and have a strong faith, but what that means to me has evolved over the years and I think that is not unusual for adults, especially those who have dealt with infertility, pregnancy/neonatal loss and/or other life experiences that have challenged and influenced the way we think about God’s will for us.
Now that I have shared my take on “what God wants,” I am genuinely curious what you think and would love for you to share your thoughts, ideas and beliefs on this matter.
If you believe in God, what do you believe “God wants” for us? For you? For your family?
Do you believe that God has a plan? That everything happens for a reason?
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I’m on the exact same page as you, Kathy, also as a result of my experience with infertility. I used to think that there was a “master plan” for me. I was blessed with my wonderful husband and amazing son. And then I had a miscarriage. And then I had four unsuccessful IVF treatments. And I was left thinking why God would do this to us? Aren’t we good parents? Don’t we “deserve” another baby? Are my other friends with two or three or four children just more worthy than we are? I came to the same conclusion as you did….I don’t think there’s a reason for everything. Things happen, and sometime’s they’re wonderful and sometimes they stink. Though it certainly wasn’t easy, we’ve come to terms with life after IVF and are now truly happy with where we are.
I feel that I have a strong faith in God. To some extent, I think that God has a plan for our life. However, I also believe that bad things just happen to people and it is not God’s fault or anyones for that matter. I believe that God is there to help us through those awful or difficult times. He is also there to share in our happy times. Do I believe that the very hard times in our life was God’s plan for me? No. However, how I chose to cope or deal with those situations and the good I can learn or bring from it is God’s guidance.
So I guess I believe that bad things happen to good people all the time. It has happened in my life and almost everyone I know. However, God does not chose to hurt people. I just find solice in my faith as a place to turn. And I always am struck by the people that I see that I think have everything (the right number of kids, gifted children or normal children vs. my special needs children, no experience with losing babies etc.) often have experienced hurts in their life that I have never known. There is a story behind every face and God is there to help us get through life.
I believe that God cares, but I’m not sure he has some kind of grand plan for my life, or that things happen for a reason. (If they do, He & I are going to have to have a LONG talk when I finally see Him…!!) I read “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Harold Kushner after Katie’s stillbirth, and it gave me a great deal of comfort.
I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot lately. I guess I believe that G-d created us with intelligence and the ability to create/destroy things for a reason. Why would G-d make people able to develop IVF, or chemotherapy, or cocaine, or machine guns, if not so that we could have a say in our own lives? That said, I do think G-d CAN step in and change things, maybe nudge them in the right direction. I think prayer helps with that. But I’m not sure G-d has a specific plan for each one of us, laid out ahead of time.
This is a very deep question. VERY.
I think it’s a young view to think of God as a puppeteer, making things happen for us the way a child plays with Barbies or Army men.
I remember, while in the throes of IF (and very angry), scoffing at the idea of an all-powerful and loving god. If that was the case, how the *#%* could he allow me to be in such pain? He either wasn’t all that powerful or just didn’t love me.
My views have evolved over the years. For me, there is not a God “out there;” just a God within. Which is so much huger, paradoxically. The more conscious and aware I can be of my connection to Source and interconnection to All, the more I can create from the Divine within me.
I kind of addressed this issue awhile back: http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/10/the-meaning-of-life-according-to-me-2.html
Great questions, Kathy.
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