Grace and Loss

Some of you may recall a post that I wrote around this time last year called Grace and the Odds. I had watched Grey’s Anatomy and been really moved by some of the dialogue in that night’s episode between two of the main characters on the show. Well last night I found myself once again touched by another extremely well crafted interchange between resident Dr. Christina Yang and a young girl, temporarily in her care, who’s mother had a heart attack and was in surgery at “Seattle Grace Hospital.” Christina and the girl were playing cards as they talked. So just as I did last time, I paused my DVR over and over again until I could transcribe their words. Here they are:

Dr. Yang: Your mom’s heart is weak, like paper.

Girl: What happens if my mom dies?

Dr. Yang: If your mom dies, you’ll feel a lot of things.
First, you’ll feel like you could’ve done more to help her but that’s not true.
You did everything you could.
It won’t feel that way.
But remember me telling you this, you did everything you could.
And it’ll hurt, every time you think of her.
And over time it will hurt less and less.
And eventually you’ll remember her and it will only hurt a little.

I am sure it won’t surprise you that as I listened to and processed the conversation on Grey’s between Dr. Yang and the girl about her mother’s possible death that I thought I about our baby girl Molly and the other losses we have had (our two miscarriages and our interstitial ectopic pregnancy). I also thought about my grandparents and other loved ones that have gone before me. I could so relate to what Dr. Yang described to the girl about what it feels like after someone you really care about dies.

Later in the episode it was revealed that Dr. Yang lost her father some time ago. We realize she still bears the pain of his death, how much she misses him and what qualified her to speak so clearly from her own heart and life experience.

At times I do think about what I might have been able to do to change the outcome of Molly’s life and fate, as well as our other pregnancy losses. However, as Dr. Yang said last night on Grey’s, I do know in my heart that I did everything I could.

Also every time I think about or look at a picture of my daughter Molly, as well as all four of my deceased grandparents and other family members and friends that I have lost, it does hurt. However, as Dr. Yang shared, over time I am learning that it doesn’t hurt quite as much as it used to. As I have heard people say many times since Molly was born and died, though we never get over the loss of our loved ones, the pain softens and we somehow learn to go on and live without them in our lives.

I can’t say that thinking about Molly only hurts a little now, at least not yet. When I remember my baby girl, my second child, my first daughter, my heart still aches, it aches a lot. However, the pain is less and it is softer than it was over two years ago, during my pregnancy when I carried her and then right after she was born and died.

My wish for you today, wherever you are at on your journey as a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather and/or friend, is that as time passes you are able to think about your loved ones that you have lost and that your load will feel at least a bit lighter and that you will hurt a little less.

To you mothers who are reading this, whether your children are living in your lives and/or in your hearts, I wish you a happy and blessed Mother’s Day on Sunday. To those who are still waiting to meet your future child(ren), I wish you a beautiful and peaceful Mother’s Day and I hope that this time next year you will be celebrating the holiday with your child(ren) in your arms, instead of your dreams.

I know that two years ago on Mother’s Day, less than a month after losing Molly, I would have never imagined where our journey would take Bob, me and my family. Though I miss my Molly-girl terribly as Mother’s Day approaches this year, I still feel very blessed, lucky and joyful to have Sean and Abby in my life with Molly in my heart.