Paranoia

So I think I have entered a new phase in our pregnancy. A phase that I imagine is common for those who have lost babies. I am starting to get a bit paranoid about what could go wrong with our new baby girl that could keep her from coming home with us and cause her to join her older sister in Heaven prematurely.

Our Molly-girl had a very specific diagnosis that led to her death and we knew about her rare and severe combination of congenital heart defects for months prior to her birth. So for much of our current pregnancy (at least since our two “all clear” echocardiograms at 15 and 25 weeks gestation) I have not worried a lot about what could go wrong. I would say to myself and others “it would be different if Molly had been stillborn, but she wasn’t.” If our first daughter had been stillborn I would probably be more worried that it could happen to our new baby/our second daughter.

However, tonight I had my first instance, in awhile, during this pregnancy where I freaked out about the things I was feeling/experiencing. Baby Benson has been fairly consistent in her level of activity over the past few weeks. She certainly is more and less active at various times of day. She seems to have quieter days and more active days and our OBs have confirmed at our prenatal appointments that this is normal. What set me off tonight was that Baby Benson seemed to have a sudden increase in activity/movement. I don’t know if I would describe it as “frantic” but she was definitely moving around and kicking a lot more and in a stronger way than I recall her doing in awhile.

At first I thought it was kinda cool, though uncomfortable at times, even comforting that she was so active. However, then I started to wonder and to worry if such an increase in fetal movement was “normal.” Then I made the mistake of consulting “Dr. Google.” That is when I started to go off the deep end… I only had to find a few instances where both respected medical resources and pregnancy discussion boards referenced “sudden increases in fetal movement” as being a possible red flag for fetal distress and/or preceding no movement, which ultimately ended in the baby being born still, to get me worked up and freaked out that our baby girl was struggling to untangle herself from her cord or was experiencing some other life threatening problem.

I raised my concerns with Bob, who is usually compassionate and understanding, but in this instance (I am sure in part because it was late and close to our bedtime) he basically downplayed my fears and told me to relax, that our baby girl is and will be just fine. Though rationally I appreciate where he was coming from, I also tried to explain to him, without overreacting too much myself, that he has no idea what it is like to feel such a strong sense of responsibility for carrying our third child and desperately wanting to protect her and our family from anything and everything that could go wrong between now and our scheduled c-section six weeks from now.

Bob asked what I wanted to do (i.e. what I was suggesting we do about my fears and concerns tonight). He somewhat sarcastically brought up going to the ER/labor and delivery at the hospital where we will deliver. I know that he was tired, had good intentions and wasn’t trying to be mean. I told him that at most I was considering calling the OB from our practice that was on call for a quick consultation and more likely reassurance that I shouldn’t be worried. As we discussed our options, I did notice that our baby girl continued to be moving somewhat consistently, but less forcefully. This seemed to me to be more her “usual” pattern of movement at this time of night and allowed me to calm down and to start to believe that she is probably is doing alright.

I am excited and encouraged to be this close to meeting our baby girl on her birthday. However, the closer we get the harder and more painful it is for me to imagine losing another child, our second daughter. I understand that rationally everything will very likely be just fine. Most of the time I believe that on September 17, or maybe even sooner, that the newest addition to our family will be born healthy and that we will get actually get to take her home to live with us here on earth. However, as so many of you who have lost babies know, the experience robs you of the innocence of pregnancy, especially the home stretch that should and could be all about the excitement of getting ready for and the anticipation of the arrival of your baby. Instead these final weeks include large helpings of fear and paranoia of what might happen to keep our little miracles from leaving the hospital alive.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. As you know I try very hard to be, and am usually, an optimistic, glass half full, believing in miracles and happy endings kind of gal. However, I am human. I have a baby girl in Heaven that in a fair and perfect world would be in my arms right now or more likely learning to walk and maybe even run and play while enjoying this beautiful summer with her big brother and the rest of our family and friends. I suppose this gives me some license to vent now and then and to express my pain, my grief and my fear. These are emotions that I don’t always give a lot of time and attention to in my life, but they exist, I feel them and I need to honor them.

So at this point I am okay with not contacting our OB that is on call tonight. Our OB’s office is closed on Wednesdays, however if I wake up in the morning and don’t feel comfortable with our baby’s movement patterns, which I should say have continued to settle down and seem more normal as I finish writing, I won’t hesitate to call the OB that is on call during the day tomorrow. I will continue to take this pregnancy and my life one day at a time. I will do my best to trust that everything is going to be okay with Baby Benson and if somehow that isn’t the case I will cross that bridge when I come to it and deal with it the best way I know how, with God’s grace and the love and care of our family and friends. Now I am going to try to get some sleep, as my life always seems less scary and more hope filled in the morning after a good night’s rest.