Benson’s Anatomy

Greetings! It has been awhile since I posted here, in part because I just haven’t had much to say. Well, at least not much to say related to the original reason I created this blog and the additional reasons I have kept it up since. I also haven’t had, or at least made, the time to spend on blogging that I used to. I began this post on Tuesday and have been working on it a little each day this past week. Back when I blogged more regularly I would sit down and develop a post in one sitting. For some reason this one turned into a work in progress.

I have been reading and commenting on many of your blogs though and find that sometimes it can be nice to lose myself in other people’s lives and not focus so much on my own. Though reading about what is going on in your lives does also help me to process what has happened in my life and to think about where we go from here.

I have also been spending a lot of time on Facebook (FB). It is a “soft” addiction I admit to having. I continue to find it fun and fascinating to reconnect with old friends and keep in touch with current friends via FB. I love to read and comment on status updates and look at pictures from our past that people post there. Those of you who know me in real life (IRL) and are “friends” with me on FB may already know about and have seen my new glasses (I am sporting them in the picture here). I recently went for my first thorough eye exam since I was probably in grade school. I found out that I have a stigmatism in my left eye and thus was prescribed glasses to wear “as needed” and for “concentrated vision.” It is definitely taking me some time to get use to them, however I also find wearing them to be pretty cool — a sort of new and interesting accessory! Wearing them makes me feel intelligent and Bob likes to tease me that I look like Tina Fey and/or Sarah Palin!

Another soft addiction that I have developed over the past year, well really since after Molly was born and died, is watching Grey’s Anatomy. Bob and I started with the first season on DVD in April while I was recovering from my c-section and since have watched all four seasons and caught up to the present in the current season five! Over the past eight months I have found watching the episodes to be very therapeutic. In many ways it was my escape to imagine I was an intern and then resident at Seattle Grace Hospital… By watching the episodes/seasons on DVD we could watch as many or few as we wanted at a time and we often watched more than one in a sitting. I believe our record in one night was five episodes! It was also a nice way for Bob and I to spend time together and relax after everything we had been through over the prior six months. I was amazed after our journey with Molly and all of the medical terms we learned related to her rare and severe combination of heart abnormalities just how much we understood about various Grey’s story lines related to heart problems and unborn or premature babies. Anyway, I get that Grey’s is more soap opera than educational medical show, however I also really enjoy a lot of the medical and interpersonal plots.

So keeping all of that in mind… I had my annual OB/GYN appointment and pap smear on Tuesday, which is what I originally sat down to blog about that afternoon. It was the first time I had returned to the office since my six week post-partum check up in May. Surprisingly as the time for my appointment approached I was not very nervous or anxious. I tried not to get too worked up about going to a place where there might be pregnant women. I also attempted not to focus on how things were going in our pregnancy with Molly around this time last year (which was seemingly very well).

When I got to my OB/GYN’s office I was prepared to wait awhile, as sometimes they get backed up and you can be in the waiting room for a good hour or more before you even seen an examining room. However, I was pleased when about 10 minutes after I arrived I was called in by none other than my favorite nurse from our pregnancy with Molly! I think she was as excited to see me as I was to see her. She told me how she almost wasn’t there that day, as she was originally scheduled to work out of another one of their offices, however things changed and that she was so pleased when she ended up in the office that day and found out I would be there.

My favorite nurse told me that they had received our family’s Christmas card/newsletter that I had sent to the office (as I thought they might like to know how we were doing) and how much they all had enjoyed and appreciated reading it and seeing the pictures that were included. She asked how I was doing and we talked about how the holidays can be difficult when you have lost a child. I told her that recently we placed a small decorated Christmas tree at Molly’s grave and she told me about the wreath, filled with ornaments from over the years, that they still put on her baby son’s grave sixteen years later (since was born and lived for ten days). I did get a bit choked up as we talked, but it felt good to reminisce about Molly and our pregnancy (even though it wasn’t easy… our pregnancy happened, Molly exhisted and was validating to discuss). I appreciate that she shared with me again about her journey with her son and how she still misses him and honors his memory after all these years have passed.

After my favorite nurse was done checking me in and going over whatever she was supposed to, she let me know which doctors were in the office that day and asked if I had a preference which one I saw. Though the doctor who delivered Molly was not in, the doctor that we saw almost as much as we saw him during our pregnancy was and I was glad to be able to request to see her. After the nurse left the room I had a little down time while I waited to see the doctor. The nurse happened to keep the door cracked open a bit and what happened next was hilarious! At least from the perspective of a slightly obsessed fan of Grey’s Anatomy…

I overheard two doctors talking in the hallway. One was the one who I was going to be seeing that day and the other, who I knew was in the office that day and recognized his voice, was the one who actually delivered Sean when he was born in October 2003. I heard the male doctor say, “so did you hear about the party Friday night?!” The female doctor replied, “oh, was that on Friday? I forgot.” He then said, “were you planning to go?” She said, “no, I don’t think so. I just forgot that is when it was.” Then he said, “well you should have seen the interns at the party… they were wild!” He went on to describe a few and name others and share some of the things they were doing, such as dancing on a stage?! Anyway, it was all I could do not to laugh out load listening to their conversation! I got such a kick out of hearing them talk about the interns just like some of the attendings on Grey’s do! It allowed me to enjoy my fantasy that some of that stuff really happens…

When the doctor who I had requested entered the room a few minutes later I resisted the urge to say anything about what I had overheard. When she first saw me she told me that I looked so good that she almost didn’t recognize me! I knew she meant that as a compliment and wasn’t trying to say that I looked bad before. Rather I understood that she was referencing how big and swollen I was at the end of my pregnancy with Molly, which is the last time she had seen me, and thus I can imagine I did look very different and better to her that day. I was also wearing my cool new glasses, which I am sure made me look different.

This doctor also commented on getting Molly’s birth/death announcement in the spring and our family’s Christmas card recently. She said that it is nice to hear how patients whose cases they get so involved in are doing down the road. She told me that no one can understand what I went through with my pregnancy carrying Molly and how much respect she has for me and how I have handled everything. I thought that was very thoughtful and kind of her to say. We did talk some about Bob and my thoughts and tentative plan for the future, as far potentially expanding our family is concerned. However, I will save that discussion for another time, as I am not sure that I feel ready to share here where we are at with that right now.

As she examined me and did my pap smear she asked some questions about Molly’s delivery, since she wasn’t there. I didn’t mind talking about that day and what happened and even shared a story about the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist (MFM) that we had been with throughout our pregnancy. The MFM had told us at some point that this particular doctor (that I had for my appointment on Tuesday) actually had mentored him years before when he was training to be a doctor.

So again resurrecting my Grey’s Anatomy fantasies… I asked our doctor to clarify what the MFM and her professional relationship had been. I told her that since Molly had been born and died that my husband and I had managed to watch every Grey’s episode to date and I wondered how they would have fit into the show hypothetically… She replied that she is (would have been) the African American woman. At first I was confused, looking and her and thinking you’re not African American, but then I realized (and confirmed) that she meant that she was like Dr. Miranda Bailey’s character in that she was the Sr. Resident supervising our MFM when he was an intern. I really enjoyed imagining our OB teaching our MFM in much the same way Dr. Bailey did the interns on Grey’s!

Our OB went on to tell me that our MFM use to ask very esoteric questions that both impressed and at times got on her nerves. She shared that back then she didn’t have a family (as she does now) and that our MFM was already married with children. She said that she use to tell him to go home and spend time with his family, but that he was just very enthusiastic to learn about medicine and being a doctor!

I asked our OB if she watched Grey’s or if it annoyed her as a doctor that such shows aren’t always so accurate. She told me that she loves to watch Grey’s and ER, however she keeps them and their story lines in perspective. Our OB said that her husband, who also happens to be in medicine, teases her about watching those shows. However, she shared that she tells him she enjoys them as soap operas and isn’t trying to gain any medical knowledge from them! She also told me that it is both funny and scary sometimes when people watch medical dramas and then try to self-diagnose themselves.

Our OB said that a few years back there was an ER episode about preclampsia and the next thing she knew a bunch of pregnant women flooded the ER at our local hospital believing they had preclampsia. As our OB would examine them and discuss what brought them to the ER that day/night the common thread was that most of them had indeed seen the episode of ER prior to believing they might have the condition! Finally, our OB, who was especially open and talkative on Tuesday (which as you can tell I got a real kick out of) told me that her patients always ask her if affairs, like the kind they show on Grey’s Anatomy, actually happen in the medical real world and she said that, unfortunately, they do!

So as much as I am in withdrawal that there wasn’t a new episode of Grey’s on this week, my experience at my annual appointment, at our OB/GYN’soffice, on Tuesday more than made up for it! Overhearing the doctor’s hallway conversation followed by our OB telling me stories allowed me to temporarily enjoy my fantasy of “Benson’s Anatomy” until the next new Grey’s episode airs in the new year!

Once again, not having posted in awhile I feel like I managed to make up for that lost time with a marathon blog entry. So I won’t be offended if it took you more than one sitting to read all of this, as it definitely took me more than one sitting to write it! 😉

I hope this finds you and your loved ones in good spirits and enjoying this “most wonderful time of the year!” I will be back on Wednesday with my monthly remembering Molly post as we reach the eight month milestone since our baby girl was born and went to Heaven. Thank you for reading and for your continued kind words, support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers.