Perspective

There are two stories that I want to share from this past week before I forget as they were both very meaningful to me.

First, on Sunday we took Sean to meet his newest cousin, our second niece, Bob’s brother and our sister-in-law’s second child. For much of our visit Sean didn’t seem that interested in seeing the baby, he just wanted to play with his cousin who is the baby girl’s older sister (who turned two last month). However at one point I was sitting on the couch holding her and he climbed up next to me and wanted to hold her with me. It was a very special moment in and of itself holding the newest member of our extended family together, however what blew me away were the words that Sean spoke after we had been holding his baby girl cousin for a bit. Sean said to me, “Mommy it’s like when Daddy and I were holding Molly only she (his new baby cousin) is still alive.” I continue to be amazed and inspired by Sean’s perspective on his experience with the life and death of his baby sister… so matter of fact and at the same time to so heart felt.

Secondly, earlier this week Sean and I spent some time with good friends of ours at their home in our neighborhood. Sean is especially close with the oldest daughter in their family. They talk frequently and openly about Molly and she has even been with us to visit her grave a few times. She seems to share Sean’s beautiful, innocent and yet realistic understanding of Molly’s spirit. On this day I did not talk with Sean and his girlfriend about our baby girl, however while they were playing in the backyard we all noticed a beautiful yellow and black butterfly that had landed on a pretty red flower that the girl had grown with her mother and younger brother from seeds this summer. I remember saying to the the little girl’s mother that the butterfly was so beautiful it almost looked fake.

After we all admired the butterfly on the flower it started fluttering around the yard and Sean and his girlfriend began to run along with it. The girl had a net and was trying to catch it and her mom kept reminding her to be careful as to not hurt the butterfly or break its wings.

I have a thing lately when I see a butterfly that I watch it for as long as I can until I can’t see it anymore. I am sure it won’t surprise you to read that I always think of Molly when I see them and wonder if she is somehow trying to communicate with me through the butterflies.

Anyway, what struck me about that afternoon is this particular butterfly seemed to stay and “play” with Sean and his friend for a long time. Every time it would get near to the top of the fence around the edges of their yard and I would think, “there she goes…” the butterfly would turn and fly back in, often returning to rest on the red flower. As I watched them frolic on this wonderful summer day with the butterfly I imagined that they were playing with Sean’s baby sister in a way that in this lifetime sadly will never happen. I watch the two of them play with Sean’s girlfriend’s younger brother often and it was sweet for that moment for me to day dream about what it would be like to see them play with Sean’s sibling too.

Ironically earlier that afternoon the girl’s mother, who is also my dear friend, gave me a beautiful butterfly themed gift that she told me when she saw it caused her to think of how I had described Molly’s passing to her. The gift was incredibly thoughtful and deserves a post of it’s own and at some point I will likely share in more detail about it.

Another thing about my friend is that she is expecting her third child pretty much any day now. Though there is a small part of me that is envious of her expecting a seemingly healthy baby, when my baby is in Heaven instead of my arms waiting to meet her new friend, she could not have been more sensitive to and supportive of me on this journey with Molly than she has been. Similar to my relationship with my sister-in-law, who is the mother of our newest niece, my friend was at first so excited after finding out that she was pregnant late last year that her new baby and ours would be so close in age and then was heartbroken to learn that our baby had a broken heart and would likely not live to befriend her child in this world.

As I mentioned in my last post, this summer’s end has become a whirlwind for our family. We are having a lot of fun making the most of these last days before Sean starts his second year of preschool. That said, I have these fleeting moments almost every day where I think about how different our life would be today if Molly had lived. How we would be getting to know, and trying to balance caring for, our infant daughter/baby sister while making time for special summer adventures with Sean. I am doing my best to accept that is not our life now. However, it is still so important to me that I am able to feel connected to my daughter in Heaven as we approach the four month milestone (on Sunday) since she was born and died.

Thank you for reading, for listening. May God bless you and your loved ones today and always.