Preparing to meet & say goodbye to Molly

Good morning! I am sorry that I did not get a chance to update here yesterday. It was a long day, but I feel like a lot was accomplished in preparation for the days and weeks to come (especially for the time after my c-section, when I will be recovering).

At our appointment with our OB yesterday morning, Bob and I learned that unless my water breaks or I go into labor, that regardless of feeling movement, Molly will be delivered Thursday morning. I continue to feel her move, however it is very sporadic and her love taps seem to be getting weaker. We are #3 on the schedule for c-sections with our OB on Thursday morning. We will get a call Wednesday night to get the exact time we are to arrive at the hospital, but our OB predicts that Molly will likely be born sometime between 10:00 – 11:00 a.m.

When our OB measured the fundal height of my uterus, it was 36-37cm which translates to being the size of a 35-36 week gestational uterus. He emphasized that he thinks we will be delivering at the perfect time, in terms of my uterus, in that it should be big enough to be able deliver Molly with a transverse incision and yet my uterus hopefully has not stretched so far that it is in danger of rupturing.

We spoke with our OB about more of the details of Molly’s delivery and learned that whether or not she is alive when she is born, we will be able to keep her with us as long as we want, including during the time I am in recovery. He said that he will try to get me a private recovery room, so the three of us can be together. Our bereavement photographer will be allowed in the operating room right before Molly is delivered, so that the first moments that Bob and I spend with our daughter can be captured. Then after I have recovered some, we will be moved to another private room, at which point, when we our ready, our son Sean, both sets of our parents, my sister and our pastor will be able to come and meet Molly and be with us. Our pastor will be with our family in the waiting room, prior to that, which we are very pleased about, as we believe that his presence will hopefully be comforting. Our bereavement photographer will also be with us during that time to get pictures of our family meeting our baby girl. At that point, as we understand it, we will have as much time as we want with our daughter.

Our OB told us that I will be in the hospital for between 2 and 4 days, but most likely it will be 3 days. So I will probably get to come home on Sunday. Therefore we are tentatively planning to have Molly’s burial on Monday afternoon with our immediate family at a local cemetery where some of Bob’s paternal grandparents are buried.

After our appointment yesterday, Bob went in to work and my parents and I picked Sean up from preschool and went to McDonald’s for lunch, which was a nice treat for all of us. After lunch my dad stayed and played at home with Sean while my mom and I went to our parish rectory to meet with our pastor and pastoral associate to discuss our pastor’s role on Thursday (being there to baptize or bless Molly and spiritually support our family), at the burial (likely on Monday) and then we also made some initial plans for Molly’s Memorial Service. We were both blown away by how kind they both were and how willing they were to do anything they can to help us get through this time and to have opportunities for us, our family and friends to honor Molly’s life.

For those of you who may be available and want to be a part of Molly’s Memorial Service, it will be on Sunday, May 4 at 3:00 p.m. at St. Barnabas Catholic Church (101st Place & Longwood Drive), Chicago, IL 60643. We hope this will be a time for our family, friends and anyone who has supported us and/or been touched by Molly’s journey and life to come together, honor her and celebrate that she will then be in Heaven and that her once broken heart will be healed.

After we left our parish rectory, my mom and I stopped by the funeral home we are working with. We met the sweet funeral director, whom I shared before, lost a daughter many years ago after she lived only three days. We went over some more details about their role after Molly dies through when she will be buried, including getting some ideas of the types of gravestones that are available for babies. Since I will be recovering from the c-section next week, I felt a good sense of accomplishment getting some of these things taken care of with my mom while I am still feeling fairly well physically.

Sean seems to be doing pretty well with all of this, I guess as well as any 4 ½ year old could. For the past week or so, every night before bedtime, after story time and prayers, we have started having what Sean calls “questions.” During that time he asks us anything he wants to about his baby sister Molly and what is going to happen with her when she dies. I think it has been a good ongoing discussion for the three of us to have and we believe it is helping Sean to deal with what has happened with Molly this far and to prepare for what is to come.

One night recently Sean started talking about what we would do when we visit Molly (at the cemetery after she dies). I said we might bring flowers or think about her or pray or talk to her in Heaven. At one point in our conversation I got sad and explained that I was sad that Molly won’t get to be here with our family in our house/on earth. Sean said something like, that’s okay we can just have or get another baby and call her Molly! We explained that if we ever had another baby we would probably not call her Molly. We also said that after Molly is born that Mommy will need to heal and that it would be awhile before we might be able to try to have another baby, if we are able to even try to have another baby. But we also talked about all the fun things we would do just the three of us after Molly goes to Heaven and heals, in the meantime. We also talked about when you go to Heaven someday (when you are very very old or very very sick) that you get to be together again with loved ones who have died, such as great-grandparents, grandparents and when Molly dies, Molly. Sean seemed excited about the idea that he would get to be with Molly again in Heaven someday (we were glad that he seemed happy about this, but also emphasized that it would be a very long time before he would be going to Heaven).

So that is the latest. I have been a lot more emotional the past few days, as the reality that the end of Molly’s life is very near is really setting in. Our journey with our baby girl has been going on for so long that I feel like in many ways I have been able to put off this part for some time. So realizing that the time is coming to give Molly back to God in Heaven is very bittersweet for me and our family. I want our daughter to be healed and at peace, but selfishly I also am having trouble letting go. We have wanted Molly for so long, to have another child, a sibling for Sean and it is just very difficult for me to accept sometimes that she will not be coming home with us (at least not her body) from the hospital after she is born. I do believe that her spirit will always be with us (in our hearts) and that she will be watching over us from Heaven. However, I know I will still miss feeling her move inside of me, not getting to hold my baby girl after Thursday and getting over our dream that she could survive and stay with us here on earth is surely going to take some time.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers, especially as we prepare to meet and say goodbye to our dear Molly Marie later this week. As I have said before, feeling your awesome love and care for us has helped me and our family to stay strong and get through this time in our life.

One of my parents will most likely post some kind of update on Molly’s CarePage (www.carepages.com CarePage Name: Baby Benson 2008) and/or here after they get home from the hospital on Thursday, to let you know about her birth and our family’s experience meeting her that day. When I feel up to it, after I get home later this week or next, I will also share at some point about our experience.

Take care and may God continue to bless you and your loved ones.

Love,
Kathy