Waiting and Wondering…

Good evening!

Today I am 12 weeks 4 days pregnant, as far as I know. Though I realize that this time tomorrow I may know differently, I continue to find hope in the life we saw on the ultrasound Monday and that I believe I continue to feel moving now and then inside of me. I spent most of today resting on the couch in our living room, while my parents were here to assist with Sean again. It was Sean’s last day of preschool before his “Christmas Bacation” as he refers to it and he was excited that tonight he would be starting off his Christmas Bacation with a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa Axe’s!

Though this week certainly hasn’t turned out the way I imagined the days leading up to our Christmas celebration would (with Sean and I finishing wrapping presents, baking Christmas cookies and doing other fun family holiday activities together) this year… There still have been some very special and memorable moments that I will remember regardless of what happens with our baby, though of course I hope and pray that we get our Christmas miracle and he or she continues to grow and develop on track in the days, weeks and months to come.

Over the past few days I have gotten to spend lots of quality time with my mommy and daddy, which though for a potentially sad reason, has been very enjoyable. I have also gotten a lot of cuddle time with Sean when he climbs up on the couch next to me and every once and awhile he will turn to me and say “I love you!” Too precious…

This morning after Bob left for work, but before my parents arrived, Sean and I were hanging out in the living room when he said to me “Mommy, when you take me to school today will you please tell my teachers that you have a baby in your tummy?” This is the first time he has mentioned the baby in a few days and we hadn’t been encouraging him. I reminded him that Grandma and Grandpa would be taking him to school again this morning, but that he could tell his teachers if he wanted to. Later on my parents shared that when one of his teachers came to get him out of the car at the drop off point at school, that he told her “Mommy had a baby in her tummy!” My parents said Sean’s teacher got a great big smile on her face and as they watched them head into school, they saw them interact with the preschool’s Assistant Director and then she also got a large grin, so they assumed that he had also shared the news with her! Too cute, that the proud big brother wanted to tell them about our baby! Though I was tempted to try to deter him from telling them when he first asked, I quickly decided that we don’t know what is going to happen, that he should be allowed to share his excitement and that if we do lose the baby, Sean will need support from all of the key adults in his life and of course we would follow up with his teachers to let them know, if that is the way this goes.

Later today, at lunchtime, Sean came over to me and patted my tummy (we taught him when we told him on Friday that he could do that to sort of say hi to the baby, when he wanted to). Then he asked me if the baby was getting bigger and I said “yes” (based at least on the fact that it was as of Monday, measuring ahead of our EDD). Next he asked how big and since on Monday the u/s tech said our baby was about 6.3cm, I showed Sean with my fingers about how long/big the baby is and he tried to make a similar shape and size with his fingers and smiled. After that, Sean said “when I grow up and am a daddy, I want to have a baby in my tummy!” My mom and I reminded him that boys/men don’t have babies in their tummies, but that if and when he gets married, that hopefully his wife would get to have a baby in her tummy. Then he asked if one of his good friends, who is a girl and one of the friends that he wanted to call right after he found out that he is going to be a brother, could have a baby in her tummy when she grows up and is a mommy and we said “yes.” Then Sean went on to say that he hoped we had a baby girl so that when she grew up, like him, that he could marry her and have a baby! My mom and I were a little stumped by that one… How do you explain to a four year old why it isn’t okay to marry your sister, if you have one?! Anyway, it was certainly an amusing lunchtime conversation!

Towards the end of our lunch, my thoughtful mother-in-law stopped by with some cookies that she made (knowing which kinds are my favorite)! I really appreciated her bringing them, especially since we hadn’t made any yet this year. It was good to see her and to be able to talk with her in person about what we are going through. She has a very strong faith and shared about how her prayer chains were praying hard for us, which we are so grateful for. She tends to get emotional easily, but it is so genuine and means a lot to know that she cares so much and feels things so deeply. Since I have never told her about my blog, as I am not sure if she would get it/why I do it, I printed her out a copy of the “Ask the Pediatric Cardiologist” article that I posted here Monday evening. I think she might also find more hope in reading it, though the woman who initially asked the doctor the question was much further along her pregnancy that we are and thus I am not sure how applicable the answer/explanation given is to our situation. Anyway, it was very sweet of her to stop by and helps so much to know that we have such great support during this time from our families.

This afternoon my parents took Sean back up with them to Evanston for at least tonight and tomorrow, until we have a better sense what will happen in the days to come. Soon after they arrived my dad’s brother/my uncle who is kind enough to call children, including our Sean, every year at Christmastime pretending to be Santa called. I explained what was going on and asked if he could call Sean at my parent’s house and he did. It wasn’t long before I received a call from Sean to tell me all about it! When I answered he said “guess who called me? Santa!” Though it was hard not to be able to see Sean experience the phone call in person this year, it was such fun to hear all about! One of my favorite parts that they relayed about the phone call is when apparently Santa asked Sean what he wants for Christmas and Sean replied “I told you already!” We had been to see Santa at a local pancake breakfast a few weekends ago and Sean got to sit on his lap and tell him his Christmas wish list. So apparently Santa, being the quick thinking guy that he is told Sean, that of course he did, that he was just “checking his list twice” like in the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town!” Too funny!

Well, as you can tell, I am doing my darnedest to remain optimistic right now and focus my energy on Sean and our family, especially with Christmas being less than a week away. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I want so much for our baby to be okay, to be healthy and to join our family next year. However, I trust that if our baby does not make it, though we all will be very sad, that this experience will only make us stronger and closer as a family as we celebrate our blessings and go forward during this holiday season and in the year to come.

I can’t thank you all enough for your comments (especially those of you who found my blog through Farah’s and “Lost and Found’s” links), emails, phone calls, positive thoughts, sticky vibes and lots and lots of prayers! Your support and encouragement means so much to me and has made a huge difference in my ability to remain hopeful during this time of waiting and wondering about the future of our baby.

I have posted a lot more than I initially thought I might since we learned about our baby’s low and irregular heart rate on Monday. I think it is a combination of the time I have spent on the couch with my laptop, the therapeutic effect I get from blogging and knowing each time I post that I have and will get so much support and encouragement from you all (no pressure)…

So once again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for sharing this journey with us, especially during this difficult time.

At the latest I will be back tomorrow after our appointment to share what we found out at the ultrasound. Please keep those prayers coming! Take care and may God bless you and yours.