"Where there is life there is hope."

Today has been a very difficult day emotionally.

After I took Sean to preschool, I came home and called my OB’s office. I explained what I was experiencing, in terms of the spotting. The nurse told me to come on in. My parents were on their way here to help, so I waited for them to arrive. When they got here my dad stayed home so he could pick up Sean after school and my mom came with me to the doctor’s office.

When we arrived the ultrasound (u/s) tech, who has been with us through our previous pregnancies, knew we were coming and was ready for us. He did an ultrasound and immediately found/we saw the baby’s heartbeat. I was immediately encouraged and asked if he could tell what the actual heart rate was, knowing it had been 138 on Wednesday. He said that he was having trouble determining it, as it appeared to be beating irregularly. Soon after he was able to get a reading and unfortunately it was only 65 bpm. The range for a 12 week old fetus is supposed to be between 120-170 bpm, so hearing that news was devastating. He tried to help us focus on the positives, in that our fetus measured 6.3cm (12 weeks 5 days), 3 days ahead of where I should be for my due date. He also pointed out that our baby was moving around. I tried very hard to be positive, but it was so hard, realizing that if our baby is dying it might be the last time I see it move around like that. The u/s tech has a great bedside manner and was very supportive. He printed us out two sweet pictures and explained that he would move us to a room where one of the OB in the office that day would soon meet with us to discuss where to go from here.

I was very upset at this point and just doing my best to keep it together. When one of the OBs came into the room she was very nice. She actually was the OB that we had met with right after we found out that our fourth pregnancy was interstitial ectopic. She seemed to say all the right things and helped us to understand what would happen from here on out. She explained, as we pretty much knew, that there is nothing they can do at this point. We just have to wait it out. She emphasized that there is still a heartbeat and thus the baby as of the time of the ultrasound this morning, was still alive. She told us “where there is life there is hope.” My mom reminded me of her sentiment later and I have been holding onto that concept ever since. I am trying to be optimistic and yet realistic. Hopeful and yet not naive.

We have a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for Thursday at 2:00 p.m. Bob should be able to be there. My parents will be with Sean and so graciously are going to help out with him all week as I am to be resting as much as possible between now and Thursday’s appointment. Our OB said that it will likely be definitive on Thursday. At that point either our baby’s heart beat will have stopped or maybe, just maybe, it will have rebounded into a normal range and might just make it after all. I believe in miracles and have not given up hope, but understand the odds are probably not in our favor right now.

Our OB also told us that my placenta was lying low and could be contributing to the spotting. The u/s tech last Wednesday had told us that the placenta was high and in a good place, so it is disappointing to hear that it moved so much since.

Bob and I are pretty much in a state of shock right now. After last Wednesday’s ultrasound we really were starting to believe that this pregnancy was going to go full term and that we would be holding our 2nd child by next summer. It is just so surreal that it has come to this, after everything we have been through to get to this point. We have a strong faith and know that whatever the outcome we will get through it together and with the amazing support of our dear family and friends. We are just so sad that we might be on the brink of our 4th pregnancy loss, especially so soon after we told Sean that he is going to be a big brother.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time…

We have been down this road before, as many of you know, we had a low heart rate detected with our 4th pregnancy and were told to come back in a week, but to prepare to miscarry. When we returned the heart rate was amazingly just fine, but then the interstitial ectopic was diagnosed and the rest is history.

We are hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle, that our baby will survive and go on to make it full term and join our family in June 2008. However, we feel so blessed to have each other and especially our son Sean, that if Christmas comes this year and our baby has gone to heaven early, we will find a way to make peace with it and do our best to make this holiday season as special as we can for Sean.

I neglected to say that if we find out on Thursday that the baby has died, I will likely have a D & C on Friday. Originally our OB said it might be Saturday or Monday, until I brought the fact that Monday was Christmas Eve.

I don’t know what else to say. We so appreciate your continued support, positive thoughts, sticky vibes and prayers no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy. I will keep you posted, though I may not have a lot more to share between now and Thursday. Also, if any of you know of any low fetal heart rate around 12 – 13 weeks gestation success stories… bring them on! I need all the inspiration I can get right now.

In the meantime, I plan to do my best to rest, drink lots of water and focus on “where there is life there is hope.”