I was sitting across the table from her, in their kitchen.

I asked how she was doing.

She said, “really busy.”

I said, “I know what you mean.”

She replied, “I’m not sure that you do…”

And then she told me.

He got an amazing new job offer, the opportunity of a lifetime.

High risk and high reward…

But there’s a catch, it’s not in Chicago, not even Illinois.

Just outside of Detroit, Michigan. Not far from where she grew up.

I was stunned.

Even though I understood it wasn’t a given they would live here forever.

They don’t have any blood relatives here, though I feel like we’ve become family over the past 7 years or so, especially the last 4.

I cried a lot that afternoon and evening.

And then I didn’t.

I tried to block it out, not really allow myself to think about the reality that our good friends were going to move.

That was three months ago and in many ways I was in denial.

Then yesterday arrived and I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I had to acknowledge that on Saturday they will drive away.

Of course we’ll keep in touch and they’ll be back to visit.

We will visit them too.

But it won’t be the same.

Life will never be the same.

These aren’t the kinds of things we are prepared for as adults…

Having to say goodbye to good friends

And when your children are close to their children, it makes it even harder.

So I have been doing a lot of wallowing these past few days….

And the tears are back, with a vengeance.

I get that it is healthy to let it out, but it is so draining.

My wise cousin, who is 10 years my senior and lives in California, told me that this is called “anticipatory grief.”

She said, “I saw it a lot in the families I worked with during the seven years I volunteered with hospice.”

Well, that certainly makes sense.

When I think about it that way, in relation to death versus people moving away, I guess I have been down this road before…

With my grandparents, our Molly-girl, and I am sure there have been others.

But I can’t recall the last time someone I really cared about moved away.

And it’s different then milestones in life that you go through as part of a bigger group, such as high school or college graduation, or when you get married.

Or maybe it’s not…

It is what it is.

We are always moving through relationships and transitions.

There are close friends that I have grown apart from over the years.

Neither of us necessarily moved anywhere different physically, but emotionally our connection changed.

Maybe we were now in different stages of our lives and/or our own personalities and interests had evolved.

It happens.

So I’ve been trying to process my thoughts and feelings, which led me here.

Writing helps me to cope.

And I choose to often share what I write because I know that I am not alone.

I am not the first and I won’t be the last person to feel this way.

I have also been listening to the Indigo Girl Radio channel on Pandora today (going on at least a few hours now), which is perfect for times like this. Truly, it’s like God or someone is deejaying to me.

 

And now I need to return to my regularly scheduled life.

Because when you are an adult, you can only wallow for so long…

Then you have to pick up your daughter from a playdate (even though one of your newer friends/her friend’s mom is being really cool about letting her stay longer than you planned, after you shared what a basket case you are and why).

And your son just got home from school, though being 11 and such a caring and sensitive boy, he knows you have days like this and can handle seeing that you are feeling sad.

He actually didn’t seem to notice this time.

Which is okay.

We’re all going to be okay.

For now, I will try to focus on the time I will get to spend with our dear friends tonight. To relish in our last night with them living here in Chicago. And remind myself that today is all we are promised anyway, so to make the most of it.

In time I will learn to live without our friends living here (6 blocks away), and adjust to how that changes our relationship. Hopefully, as with so many things, it won’t be so bad, just different.

Thank you good friends, for all that you and your amazing son have brought to our lives and family, especially our daughter and me, since you moved in, four doors down so many years ago (on our, and now your, old block).

I have learned so much from our friendship.

We are all better for knowing you and look forward to following your new adventures from a far, via Facebook, text, and hopefully visits too. I believe that our friendship will continue to grow and blossom, despite the geographical distance between us. xoxo

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Justine February 27, 2015 at 3:50 pm

I’m so sorry, Kathy … it’s hard to lose the loved ones in your life, even if they’re not leaving your life entirely. The change, the reimagining of relationships … all of that hurts. Sending you love in the reimagining, and hope that you will find ways to keep the threads of your connection strong, even with the distance that will separate you.
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2 loribeth February 27, 2015 at 3:55 pm

Oh, I can relate. I’ve found it hard to make new friends as an adult, especially without the kid connection, and especially outside the workplace. I live in a huge metro area (not unlike Chicago, I suppose), so some of the friends that I have made through work & other forums live a fair distance away, and it’s not easy to get together. Then about 10-12 years ago I met a woman through our pg loss support group — a bereaved parent, like me, who lived in the same town as us, about a 10 minute drive away. We had so much in common (in fact, she & her husband were both at the same university at the same time I was, when I was in grad school!), & she and I used to scrapbook together and go on impromptu shopping sprees. Her husband & dh also hit it off. Then about 6 years ago, he got an opportunity to take a job closer to where her family lives, about 2 hours from here. By then, she had had a(nother) baby, and she wanted him to grow up closer to his cousins. We have been there to visit them a few times, and we email (she is not on social media), but it’s not the same, and I (still) miss her a lot. It was a weird feeling for me, because I moved around a lot when I was growing up, so I was used to being the one who left, not the one left behind…!

In one way, I am a little envious of kids today whose friends move — because they have email and texting and Skype and Facebook and cheap long distance phone plans, etc. I had to rely on snail mail, and once in a very great while my mom would let me talk to my best friend long distance, with the egg timer going. 😉 Even today, we don’t call each other on the phone very much, and we both joke that’s why. I hope Sean & Abby will be able to use all these things to stay in touch with their friends, and now you have an excuse to go someplace new to visit them! Sending (((hugs))).
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3 RoseAnn March 3, 2015 at 9:14 pm

Your comment about long-distance calls with the egg timer really struck me. We moved 70 miles away between 8th grade and high school and I can remember being allowed to call my friends once a month that summer for no more than 10 minutes each time.

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4 RoseAnn March 3, 2015 at 9:17 pm

I feel for you. I’m the one who moved away from a precious friendship with our next-door neighbor. We walked with our dogs every night after work and shared so much in the short time we lived near one another.

I think it is more difficult as adults. There is often not the built in common interest of school or geography and I often talk myself out of trying to strike up a friendship with someone I think I feel a connection with because I don’t want them to think I’m pushy or weird.

{{{Hugs}}} as your friendship transitions.

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5 m. March 6, 2015 at 11:04 am

Yes, hugs to you as your friendship transitions.

Right now, I am the one in the midst of moving away from some dear friends and a city we love, and I am stretching out the transition, prolonging it for as long as possible, to the point where it’s easy to forget its going to have to happen eventually. It’s hard on both sides. Definitely harder as adults. Because when shifts like this happen now, they tend to pull up all those other shifts that you’ve successfully (or unsuccessfully) had up until this point.

Hoping you find new ways to share your affections and relish the times together even more when they happen. Hugs to you!
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