Getting my groove back!

I just got back from a great morning workout at our neighborhood group exercise facility. After the class I practiced teaching, as Monday morning I am going to teach my first group fitness class in 10 months! It feels really good to be getting back into the swing of things or getting my groove back! I was nervous to see how practicing would go and I was happily surprised that apparently teaching group fitness classes is kinda like riding a bicycle, it comes right back to you. As I started doing the moves in my routine for Monday I was able to easily cue what came next and count the steps aloud in time to the music. YAY!!!

I have now been able to exercise again for just over 8 weeks and though I have a ways to go getting back into my pre-pregnancy/pre–IVF shape physically, I am making a lot of progress. I have lost almost 10 pounds since I started (another 30 had come off prior to that point after I delivered Molly, got rid of all that water retention and my uterus began to return to its regular size). I am completely out of maternity clothes, I have dropped 2 sizes and my clothes are fitting better with each passing week. I also went to the bridal shop where I ordered my bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding in September and am happy to report that it fits me already (I purposely ordered 2 sizes down from when I tried it on in June knowing that I could and would be losing weight and toning my body between then and now)! I have 10 pounds to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and another 20-25 after that to return to my pre–IVF weight. However, I am very pleased with how things are going overall.

There was a point in my pregnancy with Molly after her fetal hydrops had set in and I was very swollen/retaining a lot of water myself when it was hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I knew that I was doing everything I could for our baby girl and my appearance couldn’t be helped, however it was still painful to be struggling with my body image knowing that Molly would not likely survive. I felt like if it was a more normal pregnancy it would easier to handle not being comfortable with how I looked. Likewise, right after she was born I also had a hard time with my appearance, as I had no living baby to show for it. I felt like if you have a newborn baby in your arms people expect you to still be in maternity clothes and take time to get back in shape. However, without Molly I felt weird still wearing maternity clothes and afraid that people would think I was pregnant and ask me when I was due.

This past week, as you could probably tell from my posts, was a very difficult one for me emotionally. It seemed like every day there was a painful reminder that Molly is no longer with us (from those uncomfortable questions/interactions with people I hadn’t seen in awhile who didn’t know about Molly’s death to receiving in the mail her social security card and two surveys about our neonatal loss, one from the state of Illinois and one from our hospital’s perinatal support program). I found myself feeling sad and angry a lot about why this happened to us and to our daughter/to Sean’s baby sister. That said, I continue to be so grateful for the love and support I feel from my family, friends and all of you here (especially your thoughtful, caring and encouraging comments), as it really does lift me up and help me to cope with my emotions during this time in my life. I know that grief is a process and that I will never be truly “over” Molly. I understand that I will feel better emotionally in time, however there will always be triggers that can bring our experience with our baby girl right back.

I do believe in a mind body connection and the more I get back into my old routines physically the better I seem to feel mentally as well. When I look in the mirror I don’t want to turn away anymore. I am pleased with my reflection and I am confident in my body as it looks now. I am proud of myself for working hard to get back in to shape physically and know that I am doing what I can to work through my grief and heal emotionally.