Patience

“Patience with others is love. Patience with self is hope. Patience with God is faith.”

~ Adel Bestevaros

To say that we have had to practice patience over the past 10 weeks, since Molly’s first very low heart rate was measured, is an understatement. However, it certainly is a word that encompasses each minute, hour and day that we fight along with Molly for her life. I found this quote awhile back in a woman’s signature at the end of her post, on one of the online community support groups that I have belonged to, over the past four years that we have been trying to expand our family. At the time I found it very inspiring and continue to find comfort in the words in this quote.

Thank you for your comments, emails, cards, phone calls, positive thoughts and prayers. I really feel like I cannot thank you enough for the love, support and encouragement that you have shown Bob, Sean, Molly and me during this difficult and uncertain time in our lives. Today Molly’s gestational age is 22 weeks and 3 days. I am anxious about Molly’s next fetal echocardiogram (echo) tomorrow morning. It is hard for me to grasp what might happen at the echo and the news we could get. As always, we are trying to prepare for the worst (finding out that Molly’s umbilical vein looks worse than it did last week) and hope for the best (in which case her umbilical vein would be the same or maybe, just maybe, even look better).

Over the past week there have been a number of stories and tidbits that I have wanted to pop in here and share, but I wasn’t feeling very motivated to blog and the time got away from me. So here are some of the events and experiences that have helped me to get my mind off of our situation at times, to put things in perspective and also to continue to find joy and peace in the ways that Molly has already touched people during her short life, not even having been born yet.

As Bob and I were driving home after our appointments last Wednesday, Bob joked that upping the dosage of Terbutaline and adding Digoxin would be like our “Obi Wan” drugs, in that as Dr. Cuneo had put it, they are our “only hope” for Molly right now. Though I have seen all of the Star Wars movies, I apparently am not up on my related trivia, as Bob had to explain the reference was from the first Star Wars movie (1977) when Princess Leia says, “Help me, Obi Wan Knobe, you are my only hope.” Anyway, I thought it was a sweet and fun analogy for Bob to make and have thought about it and smiled from time to time over the past week. On a related note, I have very much been feeling the side effects of the new dosage of Terbutaline. I take this to be an encouraging sign, however am trying not to read to much into it. Last week at this time, I was not feeling many obvious side effects and was concerned about it. However, I realize that just because I am feeling more jittery and nauseous this week, is not a guarantee that the medications are helping Molly.

We also continued to find distraction and at times comic relief from following the presidential primary races over the past week. As many of you know, though I like Barack Obama a lot, I have chosen to support Hillary Clinton at this point in the election process. However, with each passing day, it is seeming more clear that she will likely not be the Democratic nominee, as his momentum continues to build. So at one point this week Bob and I joked about who would last longer… Hillary in the Democratic presidential primary race or Molly surviving in my uterus?! My bet use to be on Hillary, though as the polls show her chances of being the nominee going down, I am starting to wonder if Molly might outlast her after all. It is probably a pretty tasteless analogy, however Bob and I need to find laughs where we can these days, to help us release some of the anxiety we feel.

On Sunday after church Bob, Sean and I decided to go Chuck E. Cheese’s for a fun family outing. Sean had never been before and Bob and I hadn’t been since we were kids. The three of us had a great time and it was another great release from the stress of wondering about Molly’s fate. We bought 100 tokens, which lasted us over 2 1/2 hours! Sean was on cloud nine riding the kiddie rides and playing the games. Bob and I especially enjoyed playing “Skee-Ball,” which was both nostalgic and therapeutic for both of us. It was a great reminder of how blessed and lucky we are to have each other and how much fun we have together. We would love for Molly to be able to join us (outside of my belly) on such an outing some day, but in the meantime, it was a great family getaway.

A few more Sean stories, that I would like to share, as this blog in many ways has also become a place where I recount special memories about our son, along with telling about Molly’s journey. The other day, while Sean and I were eating lunch, he asked me “are we going to have a baby shower for Molly?” Over the past year or so, Sean has watched me leave to attend baby showers for friends and family members who were expecting, and I have explained where I was going and why. So I thought it was a cute question. I explained that typically when a mommy is going to have her first baby, that family members and friends do throw her a baby shower. However, I told Sean that since a family usually gets most of what they need and want at that shower for their first child, that people don’t have another shower when that same mommy is pregnant again. I told him that there were a few baby showers before he was born and that I had some pictures if he would like to see them. Sean did want to see the pictures and we spent a good amount of that afternoon, after lunch, looking through our photo albums, including pictures of when I was pregnant with him, his baby showers and then photos of when he was born and the early days and months following. Sean really seemed to enjoy and get a kick out of seeing all the pictures!

On Friday, Sean and I went to visit a friend of mine from high school, who has 9 weeks old and 3 years old daughters. We had been wanting to get over sooner to meet my friend’s new baby girl and for Sean to play with his friend/her older sister, but the time had gotten away from us. Sean had a great time playing with his friend and I really enjoyed seeing my friend’s new daughter and catching up/hanging out with my friend. Before we left to go to our friend’s house and I reminded Sean that we would get to meet their new baby girl, Sean said “may I hold her, like I want to hold Molly?” I thought it was a very sweet question. I told him it was a possibility and that we would see when we got there. He ended up being so focused on playing with his friend, that he didn’t ask to hold the baby while we were there. But I was still touched by his sentiment before we got there and continue to be blown away by how his little mind works.

Friday morning one of our relative’s gave birth to her and her husband’s first child. We are so happy for them! We have grown to have a special connection with them, especially me and the wife over the past few years, as during the time we have been trying to have another child, they were trying to have their first and they had two early miscarriages along the way. The wife knew that we had two miscarriages and our interstitial ectopic pregnancy, when she had her first loss. I reached out to her at that time and she seemed to really appreciate being able to connect with another family member who knew much of what she was going through, thinking and feeling. As we both continued to try to conceive, at times we would share our experiences, hopes and fears. I think the bond we made was comforting and validating to both of us over the past few years. Anyway, any baby of course is a huge blessing to any family, but we feel especially happy for our relatives that they now are home with their healthy newborn child, after all they went through to get to this point in their life. Please join me as I send positive thoughts and prayers their way as they adjust to life as a family of three.

Finally, today is Bob’s maternal grandmother’s 87th birthday! She is the last of Bob and my living grandparents and continues to bring much joy to our life and Bob’s family. We celebrated with her, Bob’s parents, Bob’s aunt and uncle, one of Bob’s cousins, Bob’s siblings and spouses, our nephews and niece on Saturday evening at Bob’s parents’ house. It was a great evening to be together with our family and honor “GG” (as her great grandchildren call her).

I know this has been a somewhat disjointed post, however it has been therapeutic for me to share. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow with Molly’s echo. I continue to have such mixed feelings about what I want and hope for the news to be. Of course I hope and pray that Molly can somehow survive all of this, however I also want the best for her and everyone involved and understand if she is not going to make it anyway, that going sooner, might be better for her and all of us. I have not and will not give up on our daughter though and continue to try to connect with her in some special way each day. She continues in turn to show me what a little fighter she is, as I feel her kicks, punches and taps more and more each day.

Thank you for reading and for your love, support and encouragement. I hope this finds you and your loved ones in good spirits.